Wednesday, December 22, 2010

The BFN Story

I was anxiously waiting all day for the phone call. I had a dull headache all day and about 11:30 I realized I was starving! At noon, I decided that they weren't going to call during the lunch hour so I ate some lunch and called DH to give him the update that we hadn't gotten any news. He then told me that he was nervous. I told him, he can't be nervous-that's my job!

At 12:50 the phone rang and I saw the number. I took a deep breath and answered. It was Mary. She said my name wrong then went into, "Oh A...I'm so sorry, we got the tests results back and it was negative...blah blah blah." I just ok-ed and mmhmm-ed while she talked only half listening. I was really proud of myself because I didn't cry. Basically she said that all the doctors meet on Tuesday evenings to discuss the most current cases. So Dr. Val would be calling me probably on Wednesday. Dr. Val-wait, whose that?! Oh the lady that looked at my vajayjay in September, that's right, I'd kind of forgotten about her.

She said that Dr. Coop said I had great looking frozen embryos so she strongly recommended we move forward with the FET. Then she went on to explain how that all worked for me and I wasn't even listening. I interrupted her and told her we wouldn't be doing anything right away because we didn't have the money. She told me it was much less, only a couple-few thousands dollars...yes, chump change, right? Maybe for Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie but oh, they'll just go adopt whatever they want. So basically I stop all my meds except prenatals (I've been notorious for stopping taking those whenever I get really disappointed so I'm going to have to forge ahead and get over it). AF will show up in a few days and I have a feeling she's going to come with a vengeance since she's been trying to come since last Saturday night. What a whore!

The whole time Mary was discussing FET, I was thinking in my head, how can I even be positive about ANY other cycle? Minus the whole late Lupron bleed, the overfull bladder on ET day and the slip down the stairs...everything else looked good. Sixteen eggs and five good embryos isn't anything to frown about, is it? I mean our ET was on Immaculate Conception Day!!! I guess until I talk to Dr. Val and figure out what "went wrong" I won't be looking forward to any future procedures.

Maybe this is vain of me but since our main factor was male infertility, I thought we had a GREAT chance of this working on the first time and IVF is so agressive, I just knew it HAD to work. I'm sure this will sound selfish too but throughout my life, everything's always worked out, it may not have been easy but things have just flowed and ended up working out. While we were trying until I took that first BCP, I kept thinking, okay, this is going to workout, we aren't really going to have to do IVF, I'll be prego this month but we weren't. So I figured when we did IVF that it would have to work, it didn't.

As soon as I hung up with Mary, I called DH and told him. He said, "Seriously?" Like I would joke about this. I cried a little and we hung up. He came home early from work and told me he cried too after we hung up and he DOESN'T cry. I heard him come home and I meet him in the hallway, he pulled me into a hug and I deep from the gut tears and sobs. We laid down and I told him everything going through my mind. He didn't say much but just held me which is what I needed. Our black lab could tell something was wrong and put his head on my arm.

After I'd hung up with DH and before he came home, I called my dad and sister. It's funny because my dad wanted to talk and talk and talk, with my sis, I told her and said bye and she just told me she was sorry and she loved me. I've tried calling my mom but her phone is off, I wish she'd answer because I know she'll be a basketcase so I just want to get that over with. I sent the word out through the social media and got lots of sorries. Everyone is so sweet.

After I called everyone, I put all the needles, meds, sharps containers, our binder and paperwork in a box and hide it in the back of the closet. It's so hard to think about going back to our "normal" life...not planning around shot times or doctor's appointments, drinking from my water bottle instead of my monstorous cup they sent me, not wondering if cheese is okay to eat or not. I went to lay down and saw the u/s pic that we'd put in the corner of a frame in our bedroom. I took it down and cried some more then put it away with the binder. No trace of infertiles at our house, well aside from the no children, no books, needles or pics of embryos.

To be honest, about halfway through last week, I could tell this wasn't going to work. I didn't feel prego, I felt Flo trying to come, I kept planning in my head what we were going to do if it was negative. I didn't even have a plan for if it turned out positive, figured I'd have plenty of time to figure that out. Of course, everything I'd planned for if it was negative went out the window.

I really don't even know what to do but cry. I don't want to be alone but I don't want to be with people. I don't want to go in public but I don't want to stay home. I want to eat a shit ton of ice cream but I don't want to eat at all. Every other time in life, I figured it out, I knew what to do but I was at a loss. Just totally lost, no clue what to do and the fact that the we're going to my dad's tomorrow and then DH's fam on Saturday, totally not looking forward to that, to opening gifts, giving gifts...none of it. I just want to wallow in my own pity. Ironically, I think I just want to go back to work so I have something to do and don't have to deal with any family or any of this.

I feel like such a failure, let down, horrible person. I feel like I let DH down, I know I let me down, our parents, our siblings, our friends, all of you...I'm just super hating life right now! I feel like I've let you ladies down that are going through IVF, like I'm a failure so I shouldn't give you any advice or my thoughts. Sigh.

I don't get it. DH and I are good people, why? We don't go around spending money on crazy things, we help others when we can, we do our jobs the best we can, we love our families and friends, we're good with WHY!?! Why does God hate us? What did we do? So many people were praying and hoping for us, I just don't get it. Are we really bad people who think we're decent? 2010 has been the shittiest year and I'm done with it, I've checked out, I'm done. FU 2010-get the f*** out!

My dull headache turned into a MASSIVE headache after you know about 3 hours of nothing but sobbing and tears. So I pulled out what I haven't had in a year-EXCEDRIN! About an hour after I took it, I can't say that my headache feels better but it does some. Tomorrow I'm getting some Mountain Dew and I think DH and I will be hitting up some place this weekend for some much needed cocktails.

I'm just lost right now, dreading Flo coming and questioning God. I called my dad and asked him to see if I could meet with a preacher friend of ours when I go home tomorrow. So I'm meeting with him at 3:30 tomorrow, I have a feeling there'll be lots of tears and questioning why, why, why. I hope he's prepared for me-I think it might be a little bit of a rough meeting.

Thanks for all the thoughts, sorry if I check out for awhile. I will be checking back to see how everyone's cycles are going but right now I just need time to accept all this and understand why. I hope everyone has a great Christmas and New Year and I pray, wish, hope, cross my fingers that 2011 isn't nearly as sucky as 2010. Heart you all!


Jos said...

Ugh, there are no words to make you feel better right now. Just know all your bloggie land IF ladies are thinking of you and praying for you today. ((HUGS))

Kahla said...

I'm so sorry, I wish there were better words. We have two children now, but it took five fresh IVFs to get them so I know the pain of a negative all too well. Hugs from TX and sending lots of prayers your way.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry again. Take as much time as you need. 2010 is a fucking shitty year and it can't end soon enough. ((hugs))

Aimee said...

I'm sorry. I wish there were more I could say. Thinking of you. Still sending lots of prayers your way.

Kim said...

It certainly is a huge buildup to probably one of the biggest letdowns in your lifetime. I am so incredibly sorry it didn't turn out the way we all hope and pray it does. I know it's hard to understand they why's now, but my wish is that one day you will be able to look back and answer that. Maybe not today or tomorrow, or next week or month, but one day.

I recently read on a post how perhaps our babies aren;t ready for us even though we are ready for them. Maybe they are still searching for their perfect parents and haven;t found you and your hubs yet. There may or may not be truth to that, but I find comfort in it.

It's hard to see past today and the hurt, but I am very hopeful and optimistic about your little penguins you have on ice. They are a world of possibilities waiting to be thawed. You will get there, you will get to the point where you can afford to proceed with the cycle and hopefully all of this hurt will just be a memory of the past. I am rooting for you.

I have nothing but high hopes that 2011 will bring many of our dreams to fruition. Take good care of yourself, treat yourself to something nice, it's been a long road, time to recharge, renew, refuel and prepare for the next steps. Lots of hugs & love. xoxoxoxox

Michelle said...

This just sucks. I know the sobbing headache all too well..did it a week ago. It's an awful feeling on top of such painful emotional news.
My nurse launched right into the FET talk too.. I was please..woman..give me a minute. Not only a I still processing this BFN but I can't just go print up 4k for a cycle!!
Don't they get it?

I am terribly sorry that this didn't work for you.

Take all the time you need to grieve and heal.


Christina said...

I'm so so sorry to hear the news. I second Josey's comments. I'm thinking of you and praying for you. Hang in there sister.

COME ON BABY said...

Man oh man woman. I am so so sorry. Sending all the love in the world. xoxoxo

Stephany said...

I am so incredibly sorry, Alyssa. I have no other words, but I'm thinking and praying for you. I love ya, girl. <3

Jessica White said...

Sweetie I am so, so sorry. Hopefully they'll have some answers for you. Hang in there. You're not a failure: It doesn't have anything with you guys not being "good-people" or God being angry with you. Things just happen's a verse I thought might help.

"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." 2 Corinthians 12:9

Hoping for our own Peanut said...

Im so very sorry. This is not the post I expected to read. Its so hard to accept it when everything seemed to go right. My heart is hurting for you, tonight.

I hope 2011 brings you new hope and a fresh start.

Conceptionally Challenged said...

Oh no, I'm so very sorry.
Thinking of you.