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Friday, December 24, 2010

How I'm Doing & Traditions

What a week! Wednesday seemed like it was sooo long ago but in actuality it was only a couple days ago and here we are on Christmas. I won't lie and say I'm doing well, I'm really not. When I'm busy and not thinking directly about it, then I'm okay but for every other time...not so much.

Since the BFN and my mass cleaning, we headed to my dad's for Christmas. I was pretty proud of myself that I didn't cry in front of them but they knew better than to talk to me about it or ask how I was doing. I did get my dad addicted to Words with Friends on his I-phone but he did get pretty upset when I was kicking his a$$.

Thursday afternoon, I met with the pastor friend of ours. I must say I do feel a lot better in the God-sense. I asked him a lot of questions I had on my mind...for one, why would God cause such heartache and pain for us? It was a good discussion and I plan to blog about it soon. I have found myself not asking or feeling the need to ask, "Why?" but my heart still doesn't feel better.

I break out in tears at LEAST 5 times a day. This morning I woke up and didn't feel the need to cry...right away. My 6 year old neice, who tells me everytime I talk to her that shes praying for "sissy (that's me) to have a baby," was there. She's always fun but a couple times we were both on the verge of tears. I'm not sure if my sister's told her what happened (the BFN) but she could tell something was wrong. I love her so much but I know one day she's going to grow up and realize I'm not the "cool" aunt anymore but that's another worry for another day.

My dad lives about 2 hours from where we do. They were calling for lots of snow back where we live. DH has to push snow and there was possiblity that he might have to leave before noon which meant that I would be stuck at my parents until Christmas without hubs. Normally, I'd be okay with this, but not this year, I need him right now. I prayed Thursday night asking God to have the snow hold off so I could go back home with him and what do you know, my prayer was answered! He didn't have to go in to work until 11pm.

We came back into town, stopped by his parents to say hello...and eat...again. Then we came home and had our Christmas gift exchange after we unloaded the car and loved on the pups some. I opened one of my gifts first then he started to open one and I broke into tears. AH! I'm such a sap these days!!! I told him that it wasn't much, they were things I'd bought throughout the year and I'd messed up on one (totally bought the wrong size!) and I was stressed about money so I didn't buy much towards the end of the year. He was so sweet about it and told me it was okay and he loved whatever he got. He ended up being pretty happy with everything and he said his favorite thing was the baseball jersey I got him which was the wrong size!

After the gift exchange, we did a few chores and put together some of the new gifts. There was a slight panic when I thought I'd lost a ring passed down to me from my grandma but we found it pretty quickly. DH to the rescue once again! Then I decided we needed to add more to the donation pile. We went to the basement and started going through boxes. We added some extra stockings, a lamp and some other holiday decorations we don't use. Then I looked at DH and asked him about our traditions.

Let me start this by saying, we've only had a Christmas tree once since we've been married. Since then we haven't because we're never home for Christmas, we don't have anyone over to look at it and we keep telling ourselves, "We'll have a tree when we have kids." So as we were cleaning out, I saw different ornaments we've collected. I asked him, "If we don't have kids, do you think we'll ever have a Christmas tree?" He knew exactly what I meant and he didn't know the answer to that. Then I asked him, "What will we do when our parents aren't around any more? What will we do for the holidays?" He told me that we'd have our siblings and their families to share the holidays with but let's be honest, when they have their own families and in-laws, DH and I aren't going to be anyone's concern. Sigh...so we don't have any traditions and we may not, which I suppose is okay because we won't have anyone to pass them on to.

I'm really dreading tomorrow. Today was a small crowd, tomorrow's a little bigger not to mention my BIL who tends to not know when to keep his mouth shut. I also have a feeling Flo is going to show up tomorrow too, I got my period as a gift last Christmas too.

So the whole point of this post is to let you know I'm surviving, its not easy, I cry at the drop of a hat, I keep replaying the conversation with Mary over and over and over in my head. But I'm trying to come to peace with God, myself, Dr. Val...everything. I know this sounds crazy but I miss my babies. I think I'm about to drive DH crazy by apologizing all the time...if it's not for failed IVF then it's for "being a freak" and crying every 5 seconds. He tells me I'm crazy but he still loves me. So how am I doing? I'm doing...

Merry Christmas everyone, may Santa treat you all well and may you enjoy all of your family traditions.

7 comments:

Kim said...

It sounds to me like your doing well, considering. I probably would have stayed home yesterday and today sulking - so the fact that your going and seeing family is a major accomplishment in my eyes!

Hubs and I were in an awkward place too where we didnt have any traditions of our own. Our families live out of state and if we dont travel to see them, we had no traditions of our own. This year we created some, because the fact of the matter is - if we never have children we need them. And if we do have children, we need them. SO either way we are set now.

I hope today isn't too horrible and allow yourself some forgiveness. Nobody expects you to be your "normal" happy self, except perhaps you?! ;)

xoxoxoxoxox

Kevin and Katie said...

Just know we are thinking of you!

Kevin and Katie said...

Just know we are thinking of you!

SLESE1014 said...

you're doing great....better than me and my chemical pregnancy ended about a month ago...Hang in there...we're all here for you...just like you're here for us!

Angie said...

No one says you have to put up a tree and decorate or any of that stuff. One of my friends has a Christmas cactus. For her, putting up a tree is just too much work. Another couple I know take a special trip just the two of them during Christmas; all that family around is just too much for them.

Our tradition is to go to the boat. Yesterday after his kids went back to their mom's we took a nice looooong nap, showered, got ready, went to Dave and Busters with some gift cards (from last xmas LOL), acted like fools, then went to the boat for a bit. We didn't spend a ton of money but we had a great time. 3rd year and going strong on that one. It's nice to have a tradition that involves only us. Especially nice after all that family! lol

I'm with Kim, I hope you begin allowing yourself some forgiveness as time goes on. I'm glad you had your pastor friend to talk to!! xoxo

~Jess said...

Glad to hear you're doing....sometimes that's the only thing to do.

I agree with Kim about the need for traditions regardless of kids...because by not allowing yourself something like that you're treating yourself like you don't deserve it...and you do...you do deserve every happiness and aspect of family (traditions included)...because you and your DH are a family, with or without kids.

Merry Christmas :-)

Joanna said...

I think you should still come up with your own traditions, if for nobody but yourselves. My hubby & I had a tree up every year (and a small tree downstairs) even though we go to our parents house for Christmas Eve/Day and had no kids. I had to do my traditions for myself. I know some people don't count themself as a "family" until there are kids but you & your husband are a family. I love you girl & totally know all the emotions...a year a go I wasn't even sure if I'd be able to have any biological children. It's amazing what a difference a year makes...