Thursday, December 23, 2010

My Coping Mechanism

After I got all my tears out (who am I kidding, I know there's going to be A LOT more) and DH headed to work, I decided I was going to do some IVF Failed Cycle Cleaning. First to go, the stroller, swing and high chair that my sister gave to me before we even started trying. See ya! Then I started in my "dress clothes closet" and filled up one bag. Then I went to my every day closet and realized I have 19 pairs of khakis!!! Two bags later then I hit the kitchen. We had probably almost 20 coffee cups and being that DH is the only one that drinks coffee and he hasn't even had any for 5 months last year, I think it's okay to get rid of 7 coffee mugs and 7 wine glasses because once again, we can't enjoy a nice glass of wine if we're actively trying for a baby. So here's the final damage:

I scheduled a pick up for Monday so I can just open the front door and shove it all out.

DH and I talked and although we're really hurting and confused, we've agreed to wait and see what our options are when Dr. Val calls next week. I've told him it's too much on me, physically and mentally, to try right away, not to mention financially we aren't able. He said whatever I wanted. I appreciate that but I told him I didn't want it to be what I wanted but what WE wanted.

When I finally got ahold of my mom last night, she sobbed more than me and, of course, flipped it around to she's a bad mother because she's not in the same state and needs to be here with me-sigh, I asked her to stop crying because it was only making me feel worst. She sobbed on the phone and told me she'd pay for us to do it again. Sigh...I can only handle so much right now and that's when the closets called my name.

On the complete opposite, I emailed DH's mom and sis to tell them the news and his sis wrote back sorry and that was about it. His mom didn't even email back so I told DH he should call to be sure his parents knew. When he called, his dad was like, we know, your mom got the email. Sigh...can't there be a happy medium?

So there you have it, that's how I coped last night...tears and cleaning out the closet. OH! I also kept thinking all night, maybe I heard her wrong, what if I just imagined it was negative. But then I replayed the convo and I knew I heard correctly. I know it's a long, long road ahead of us, I just knew where it ended...


Hillary said...

Hi, My names Hillary and I've been reading your blog for a while now but just never commented. I have not been in your same place with IVF but I have lost 2 babies (one at 9 weeks and one at 21 weeks). I was amazed to see that you do the same thing I do! My husband kept looking at me like I was crazy right after our tragedies and I am re-painting the bathroom, stripping and staining the kitchen table etc!
Long story short keep doing what you have to do to start feeling better about a really sad situation!
Many prayers coming your way!

COME ON BABY said...

Ohhh cleaning feels soooo good. Stress is when I get my best house work done.

Again I am so sorry :(

Have a Merry Christmas sweetie.


Anonymous said...

Ahh I wish I lived there so we could hang out! =( I'm glad you cleaned some stuff out. That always makes me feel good. I need to do some cleaning here too. Keep us updated and email me anytime. Hope you have a good Christmas Eve and Christmas.