Friday, April 29, 2011

NIAW: How I Celebrated

As all of you know, this week is National Infertility Awareness Week. I did a few things to honor/celebrate:

*On my non-IF blog, I've been posting infertility facts on each of my posts every day. They're probably sick of it but hopefully my readers will learn something new about infertility. FYI-I "came out" on that blog around Thanksgiving when I accidentally posted on that blog instead of here-oops! The support and care has been amazing-thank you ladies!

*On Monday, my half-marathon training plan called for 2 miles but I ran 5 in honor of our 5 embryos and in hopes that one day I'll hold one of them in my arms.

*This morning I took some yummy, delicious cupcakes to Dr. Val, Mary and staff:

Looks good, huh? Okay, wipe the drool off your chin so I can tell you about my visit with Mary. First off, I swear she looks different every time I see her (whereas I look exactly the same now as I did in middle school +/- a few...or more pounds). Here were the highlights of our conversation:

*I brought in the cupcakes but also one Gonal-F pen that hadn't been open. I was donating it and every time I talk to her about it, she asks me, "Are you suuuuurrrrree?" So I once again confirmed and she's going to mail me a form to fill out for a tax deduction-woohoo!

*I call on Monday to schedule our FET for the fall!

*I asked her about acupunture and she said go for it, if for nothing else the relaxation part of it. I'll start my research all over again on Monday.

*I asked if I could do a triathlon in August and I got a BFN from her but I AM allowed to do the swim part of it if I do the team portion. I apologized because it seems like my exercise endeavors are always interferring (remember we pushed back our fresh IVF last fall because of my marathon?). So no tri for me unless I find one in July to do but my July is filling up pretty quickly already.

*I asked if Dr. Miyagi was around but he was doing transfers with Dr. Val so I STILL didn't get to meet him. Mary said she'd be sure to give him a cupcake. I laughed and said, "He'll be like oh sweet-the cupcake lady!"

*I had called last week to make sure Mary would be in the office. I explained I wanted to bring in goodies for NIAW. She didn't even know that it was NIAW!

So that my friends is how I celebrated NIAW...what about you, what'd you all do?

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

The ABC's of IF

This post is also being called "The ABCs of TTC" but I thought "The ABCs of IF" were more appropriate for me.

A. Age when you started TTC: 26 years old

B. Baby Dancing or Sex: Straight up sex...I like to sing to the tune of "Hammer Time"..."STOP! It's ovulation time!"

C. Children wanted: When we got together, I wanted three, DH wanted 2, at this point we'll settle for whatever we get.

D. Dogs/Cats/Fill in Children: Two furbabies. A black lab who thinks he's a lap dog and a mutt whose my princess. Love them both so much!

E. Essential Oils/Vitamins/Snake Oils: No oil here.

F. Fertility Meds I’ve taken: What haven't I taken? Lupron, Menopur, Gonal-F, PIO....just to name a few ;)

G. Gain: IF has let me gain knowledge and definitely made me a stronger person.

H. HSG (Hystosalpingogram): Good to go...

I. Infertile Pet Peeves: Just one? Not telling me you're prego because I'm infertile.

J. Job title: I'm the HBIC. LOL-this was my title at our egg dying party at my dad's last weekend. Had to tell Grandma what that meant, good times!

K. Kid’s names you’re afraid will be taken by the time you can use them: When DH and I got together, we discussed a girl name (Gracyn Rose) since then I've decided I don't want that name because Grace, Gracie, etc...has become so popular. Anytime its brought up, DH swears that's what we're naming a girl...I decided I'll fight that battle when the time comes.

L. Length of time TTC: 1 year, 6 months, 2 weeks and 1 day...but whose counting?

M. Miscarriages: None. Never been one inkling of pregnant...ever. Other than a short time after the ET.

N. Number of times you’ve switched OB/GYNS, REs, FSs: Broke up with my OB last May but haven't found a new one. Still with the same RE but have experienced 4/6 REs at my clinic.

O. Ovarian quality: Good.

P. POAS or wait for AF: Never taken an HPT except for the month before our wedding (late period due to stress)

Q. Quote from an obnoxious fertile: After telling them we're dealing with this, "Why don't you *just* adopt?" Because adopting is *just* that easy, right?

S. Sperm: Awful...let's not talk about it.

T. Time you tried naturally: Other than October-December 2010 during our first IVF cycle, we've always "tried naturally" although we know there's really no point. We keep thinking maybe this is the 2% month that it'll work. We aren't as diligent now but we do "try" during ovulation time.

U. Uterus quality: Good.

V. Vagina: Got one!

W. What baby stuff do you already have?: None. Gave it all away after our failed IVF, it was like reverse nesting.

X. X-tra X-tra Hear all about it! How many people know the ins and outs of our crazy TTC journey? Originally just a handful of friends, then more and more and more and now I'm pretty open about it. I wouldn't say DH is but I'm an open book and always willing to share my story.

Y. Yearly Exam (do you still go in even though someone sees your lady parts most months?): Nope. I was scheduled for last May when I broke up with my OB. Then we started pre-test for IVF then IVF. I figured if someone was down there once a month then they'd let me know if something didn't look right. Still haven't found a new OB yet.

Z. Zits: Sure do. DH yells at me all the time for touching and picking at my face but I've gotten better.

So now you’ve read mine. What are your IF A to Zs?

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Versatile Blogger!

A Miracle 4 Us nominated me an award!!! Thank you so much because now that we're at a stand still in our journey, this gives me something to blog about. Thanks lady!!!

So, here's how it works:

Winners grab the image and put it in your blog.
Link back to the person who gave you it.
Tell 10 things about yourself
Award 15 recently discovered bloggers.
Contact the bloggers you have awarded to let them know they have won.

10 things about me:
Okay, so I started typing #1 to say how DH and I met and it got kind of long. So instead of 10 things about me, it's just the story of DH and I. Feel free to list 10 things about yourself or how you and your hub met!

1. DH and I were set up by friends. It all started because one slow afternoon at work, my friend Mel and I were B-O-R-E-D. We decided to play MASH but I had no love interests at the time. She was all excited that I should meet DH, the rest of the afternoon we played MASH using his name and some celebrities. We jokingly started calling him "my baby daddy." A few months later, we met but I was dating someone else at the time. Almost a year after the "baby daddy" nickname started, we finally went on our "first date", less than a year after that we were engaged and less than a year after that we were married. On our first wedding anniversary, we started TTC. However, we're still very far away from making the "baby daddy" part true.

The Nominees:

1. Come On Baby!-starting her first (and hopefully only) round of IVF in Alaska
2. Steps to Baby-Love, love, LOVE HER!!! I feel like we're besties even if we've never met.
3. I Wanna Be Prego-my clinic friend! Hoping for a happy 2WW right now for her.
4. When the Music Fades
5. Fertility Frustration

And I have to cut this list short because I'm being called for Easter dinner so anyone who else who wants to participate is welcome to join in the fun!

Thursday, April 21, 2011

The Wave

The all know it, everything's fine and dandy, enjoying your day then something happens and you feel that wave of defeat. First off, let me say that I love all my bloggy friends out there. All the love and support you've shown me is amazing. My feelings just come naturally, I don't WANT to feel this way but I do. Whenever I talk to someone IRL or online that knows about our TTC/IVF failure and then they say, "It'll happen for you. You'll be a parent." or something along those lines, I feel the wave starting to creep. My collarbone starts to feel hollow and tingly and the wave of defeat hits me. I go from perfectly happy and normal to defeated and pissed off. Because it may not happen, I may not be a parent. I don't let myself go to "that place" of thinking that it might happen, it hurts too much. The wave also comes when I read about BFPs too and spreading the news and seeing the ultrasound pics because I may not ever get ANY of that. Our life as it is now may be our life forever and while that will be okay (it'll have to be, right?), there will always be something missing. And the wave is different than when we first started TTC and I'd hear about pregnancy announcements because then I would cry and scream and rant that "It's not fair! Why not me!" but now it's the wave of defeat that hits me. Sigh...does this ever get any easier?

Monday, April 18, 2011

To Reunion or Not?

DH and I's 10 year high school reunions are coming up. We went to different high schools so hello two reunions, lucky us. Here's the DL on each... He REALLY wants to go to his but it's the same weekend as my half-marathon across the state. His suggestion is to drive there, run the half then drive back that night and go to the reunion. The reunion consists of getting together at a local bar. Fun, huh? His class had about 60 people in it, we see the ones we're friends with on a regular basis and he never speaks about any of the rest of them. He wasn't super involved in anything in high sports, no clubs, nada. The place where the half is going to be is where I went to college, long before we knew of the reunion, we planned this weekend trip and I planned to go out with my girlfriends that night. I told him, why don't you just drive back (we're taking two cars anyways because I'm going up a day early) home and go to the reunion. His response? "I'm not going to my reunion without you!" Really? I won't be much fun. I don't know anyone and I don't drink so spending the evening at a local establishment asking why I'm not drinking and when we're having kids doesn't really sound like a good time to me. Besides, I think his classmates would be more impressed if I WASN'T there and he just bragged about me running a half-marathon that morning. Okay, on to my reunion...Me? I was Miss Involved in Everything, on every page of the yearbook, and knew every single classmate (all 300!) by name. I was Miss "I can't wait to see you at our high school reunion!" as we walked out the doors on the last day of school. Well, five years came and went and now our 10 year is creeping upon us. My reunion is at a banquet hall at a hotel, you must register and buy tickets and it includes dinner, DJ and cash bar. When I first heard about it, I was definitely going to go even if it meant missing our annual float trip (it's a Midwest thing if you don't know what a float trip is) with seriously the most fun people EVER. My reunion even has a website that is linked to the high school's site and you can update about yourself, your work, school...and family. The more I read through everyone's the more my mind was made up. We're not going. After I thought long and hard about it, and talked to many friends, I decided it was in my best interest not to go. I see and talk to the people I want to see and talk to. There's some drama with some people that I don't want to deal with. and when people ask me if I have any kids, I'd have to answer, "I have 3 totsicles and 2 dogs." And you KNOW people will ask and you KNOW they won't let up and you KNOW they'll talk about how great it is to be a parent and you KNOW they'll tell stories about their kids and honestly? I don't know that I can handle it. I look back in the past 10 years and you know, I'm pretty proud of myself for what I've accomplished. I graduated...twice (BS (Magna Cum Laude) and MBA). I lived half way across the US on my own, fresh out of college and landed an awesome first job but ultimately listened to my gut instinct and came back home where I met DH and got married. Bought my first house on my own. Ran a half marathon and a freakin' full marathon! And I'm pretty proud of myself for going through IF this far even if so far we've only had one failed IVF. While I'm proud of myself and I do see I have accomplished a lot, the fact of the matter is that in my IF mind, I feel like the night's going to revolve around not really your accomplishments but your family AKA your kids, which I'm totally cool with but I don't think my heart can handle it. Besides, our float trip friends, they know all about the IF and IVF, and they love us and support us and they won't ask us about kids at all or rub it in our face. They'll just enjoy DH and I and the adventure we'll have. Yes, this may seem selfish, but ultimately, it's the right decision for ME.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Sharing an Email

I got an email about an easy way to show our support for National Infertility Awareness Week. Here's the email: Just wanted to drop you a line and let you know about a new campaign has just launched with RESOLVE--a Twibbon for infertility awareness leading up to National Infertility Awareness Week at the end of the month. I'm not sure if you have a Twitter or a Facebook, but if so, we would love your help supporting this campaign and spreading the word either with your friends. Here is the link to more info: In the last day we have already gathered 74 supporters, so we are so excited about this. Please let me know if you have any questions and we look forward to staying in touch! I added it to my Twitter-easy! My FB was having a little bit of issues but I'm going to keep trying until I get it work. Hope you all join the twibbon wagon!

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

The Dentist

Okay, so after my phone call with the acupunturist and my insurance company, I gathered myself up and headed to the dentist office. Really after the last two days, I was looking forward to the dentist. I walk in and see a big 'ole prego behind the counter. I sit down and wait to be called back. Guess who? Prego Mama. I sit down totally irritated about the phone call from earlier and know this prego belly was going to be just inches from my head. She asks if I've had any change in medical conditions since my last appointment. I say no. She asks how my gums are doing. I have horrible gums, I really need to floss more. I remembered Josey's post about how the fertility meds made her teeth bleed and I mentioned I had been on fertility medicine back in November/December. She said, "Oh yes that'll definitely have an affect, I've done that too." WHAT?!? This Prego Mama-to-be didn't just look at her husband and get pregnant? You mean she's a success story!?! I couldn't help myself so I asked what clinic she went to and she told me. We talked off and on, well as best you can with all that stuff in your mouth, about infertility and our treatments. She said they'd been trying for 1.5 years too and after 6 months with the doctor and IUIs (I don't know if she meant 6 IUIs or a couple IUIs and seeing the doctor for 6 months), she finally got pregnant. I was smiling on the inside thinking this turned out to be alright. THEN... She starts to tell me about my gums and when I'm pregnant. Insert eye roll now. How when I'm pregnant, I will have all these extra hormones in my body and my gums will get really bad and I might need to have them cleaned 3 times/year instead of two and just to call if I'm worried. Blah, blah, blah! THEN as I'm checking out and leaving, her departing comment, "Good luck! I hope you get pregnant!" Right in front of the receptionist that has no idea what we'd been talking about. A simple nod and simple was all I could do to keep my eyes from not rolling in the back of my head.

Monday, April 4, 2011

Follow-Up on Acupunture

I decided I'd look into it. The "other clinic" has helped me find a fertility acupunturist in my area, as in less than 20 minutes from my house. We've been communicating via Twitter. They didn't know anyone in the immediate area but they got some recommendations for me-how sweet! I called this morning to get info and they were busy. They caught me a little off-guard when they called but here goes our convo: I answer the phone with the generic "Place of Employment, this is A." Acu Place (AP): Where is this? I repeat it. AP: Well, that sounds like a fun place to work! This is Dr. AP's office. So you want to have a baby? Me (totally off guard): Um...yes. AP: How long have you been trying? Me: About a year and a half. (First time I've verbally said this aloud, its so much harder than typing or reading that and I could feel the tears coming) AP: Oh, so you've done all the tests and it's you, not him? Me (whispering bc both my bosses are in the cube next to me): No, we have male factor. AP: Oh, like low count? Me: Umm...yes (in my mind I was thinking VERY LOW) and yes, we've done all the "tests" and actually already done a fresh cycle of IVF. We plan on doing a frozen transfer in the fall. AP: Okay, let me check with the doctor real quick. She then starts talking to the doctor AND I CAN HEAR THE WHOLE CONVERSATION!!! Basically, she told him I sounded like a "young girl" (what am I 12???) and his response was, "Well I can increase his count but it'll take some time!" She gets back on the phone: Okay, yes we can work with that. The doctor would like to meet with you. Me: Umm...I heard your whole conversation and it's not for my husband but for me. We already have the embryos so he's not really, uh...participating this time around. AP: Oh, ok. My daughter is about to be a surrogate so I kind of understand the whole IVF thing. (in my head I'm thinking, yeah...I hope someone does there since that's supposed to be like your specialty). Me: Ha, ha-yeah. (That's my response when I got nothing). Okay, well as I asked previously, do you know if you accept my insurance? AP: You'll have to talk to your insurance company and call us back. We hung up and I called the insurance company. After being on hold for 5 minutes, I found out that-SHOCKER-they don't cover it! Like what did I really expect? So all in all, after a really crappy weekend, a busy and not fabulous Monday, this conversation just kind of sent me over the edge and I spent my last half hour at work fighting tears. It sucks to say out loud how long we've been trying to think it may never work and then the doctor sounded irritated in the background and the nurse/secretary (or whoever it was that called) sounded like a dingbat! Think that sounds bad, just wait for my next post about the dentist!