Goodbye 2010!!!

Yes, today is the last day of 2010 and it couldn't come soon enough! First off, yesterday, DH and I got my belly button ring in all by ourselves! I guess that was officially the last thing of IVF that we had left, that weird little plastic thing stuck in my belly button.

The week I got my BFN, that was the third failed IVF cycle I knew of in a week, a friend's third IUI cycle failed and a co-worker of mine miscarried at 15 weeks on Christmas Eve where they found out it was a little boy. Sigh...the week of Christmas was NOT a good week for babies or potential mommies.

I'm doing MUCH better. I don't wake up wanting to cry or crying at the drop of a hat, I do get sad sometimes at night when I get to missing our babies. I hate the picture of DH and I that's hanging in our bedroom where we put the u/s pic, that's all I can picture when I look at it now.

I think we could afford to do the FET cycle right now if we wanted but I'm pretty sure DH and I are still wanting to wait. The day we got the BFN, my insurance "decision" was due at work for 2011, not that our insurance has any IF coverage. We had decided if we got a no, we'd switch to the lower insurance (am I repeating this story, just skim if I am) option which would save us about $1,000/year but the, oh crap I can't think of the word now, out of pocket expense would be higher...deductible!!! So if we did the FET right away and it worked, we'd be screwing ourselves plus like I said, emotionally I don't think I could handle another BFN back to back. Also if we wait, we'll have more in our savings so we won't have bare minimums which makes me feel much better. So a 6-10 month wait until the FET is ahead of us.

I guess my blog will be quiet for awhile since I won't have anything to blog about but I'll still be checking in to see when you all get your BFPs and then to follow your new journey. If you miss me too much, feel free to email me and I'll send you the address to my other non-IF blog so you can read about my furbabies and the crazy things we do besides IF. I'm taking a temporary break from there right now because I just was so over/underwhelmed (does that make sense?) with the BFN that I couldn't force myself to write happy thoughts or recipes or post about the holidays when I just wasn't feeling it. It's amazing, I didn't take as single picture at any Christmas events this year. I was just so upset about the BFN and thinking about traditions and not having kids to share Christmas with that I really didn't feel like nor did I want to document Christmas in pictures at all this year. My SIL wanted a picture and I straight up refused, luckily, she got the hint and didn't bring it up again.

I'm "officially" starting my diet and half-marathon training again on Monday. I think back to my marathon in October and what I weighed...wow-I just imagine how much better I would have done if I'd lost 20 lbs or so. I told DH after the marathon was over that maybe if I lost a set weight, I'd start training for a marathon again. So here's my pledge, if I ever get down to egg donor weight (130-140) then I will train for another marathon. Don't hold your breath people, that would be a weight loss of about 70 lbs...not sure that's going to happen, at least not any time soon.

So my goals for 2011:

*Run in two half-marathons (one in May and one in June) beating my time of 2:46 from last June. I would love a sub 2:40 but we'll see.
*Beat my time in the stairclimb I'll be doing in March (42 flights of stairs.
-Side note, I may be a big girl but big girl here can run half & full marathons, climb 42 flights of stairs AND produce 16 eggs-so what now!?!
*Lose at LEAST 30 lbs.
*Go six months (not in a row) of no desserts (I haven't decided if the Jello 6o calorie pudding will count or not because I have a major sweet tooth and I need SOMETHING to curb that after dinner).
*Find a church where I can work on my relationship with God to gain understanding and acceptance for the challenges put before me.
*Be at peace and be positive about our FET.
*Get a BFP!

So goodbye 2010 and hello 2011! I've got the hog jowl and black eyed peas ready to make for New Year's Day and I'm ready to embrace the New Year.

What are your NY traditions and goals for 2011?

Next Cycle...Whenever That May Be

I already know a few things I'm going to do different on the next cycle, if/when we ever get there. First off, after my marathon, I didn't work out, I didn't eat right so starting January 1, I'm going to start working out and eating right until the day of the cycle. I think this was a HORRIBLE time of year to do this because hello! Sugar every where, not to mention getting the news of a BFN three days before Christmas is NOT any fun. I've already got a couple races lined up for the spring so that'll be motivation. Plus add in snow and ice storms does not make for taking it easy and not slipping down stairs or sidewalks. I was like a granny holding on to cars, poles, DH.

The other thing is that I joke, but I'm half serious, is that I'm spending the 2ww away from DH. He was a major stressor to me, maybe because he was stressed too. Plus I don't think he was the most sympathetic to me about the shots or driving or doctor's appointments or all the things jammed up my vajayjay. The night before I went to test, he told me I didn't know what stress was. I looked at him and said, he was! Honestly though, he was great throughout the cycle and after the BFN, sometimes we both just push each other's buttons at the wrong time.

Next time, I'm not going to announce to the world our every little move. I was hesitant to show some people the pics of the embryos and u/s but I did, now I regret it. I hate having told everyone when we were doing it. It was a great way for me to vent and worry and get feedback and the support/encouragement/prayers were awesome but I also felt a little like we were jinxing ourselves.

I'm going to try to go into the next cycle with an "I don't care" attitude. As in, I'm not going to stress if I don't know the doc doing the FET or I don't know the nurse that's calling or that my appointment wasn't exactly when I thought it would be. Next time, I'm going to have DH take the day off and be with me during the "find out" day.

I still probably won't dream or think further than the next procedure or appointment or blood draw. I am going to be realistic and start thinking about living a life with DH without children. I told one of my friends, maybe I would just turn into the crazy dog lady and she told me I already had the crazy part down. So there are just some of my thoughts for what I'm going to do differently with the next cycle...whenever that may be.

Naive

Sigh...I'm naive. First off, who ever thinks they are going to end up going down the IF path? No one. But we are. Because I was familiar with our medical history, we found out that IVF was our only way at "only" 6 months. After "only" a year of trying, we were blessed to be able to try our first cycle of IVF. I knew our journey would be over soon, this would work and we'd be pregnant with our miracle. But it didn't and we're not.

My new fear, add it to the list, is that we're just STARTING this journey. We're going to be one of those 5+ year couples on the IF journey. It's going to affect us and consume us for the next 5+ years where the journey may end with a life without children. As I looked at our finances this past weekend, I figured out that in the next 6-10 months we should be able to do the FET if we continue to save as we have. If that fails, it'll take us 26 months, or over 2 years, to save up enough money for another fresh IVF cycle. This brings up a whole other point...

We found out in April that IVF was our only chance. From April-October, other than timed-intercourse, no caffeine, alcohol or hot tubs, we couldn't do much else on the TTC front. When we started the BCP and shots, I was excited because we were FINALLY doing SOMETHING...making progress. Now for the next 6-10 months, it's back to timed-intercourse, no caffeine or alcohol (DH has it easy this time around since we have the three frozen embryos). It's back to the hurt of the pregnancy announcements, baby showers and new births. If the FET doesn't work, we'll be taking a 26 month hiatus to save and not do anything. I don't know HOW I'll be able to handle that, not to mention I'll be losing years and we all know that time isn't our friend in IF.

So the point of this post is that I was naive to think IF wouldn't affect me. I was naive to think IVF would work the first time. I was naive to think our journey that started so fast would end so soon. I'm on the lifer track of IF and I've learned my lesson.

Surprisingly Nice!

I went back to work today. Luckily, everyone is off because it's still technically a holiday. A little before 11am, my phone rings and I'm shocked when I answer and it's Dr. Val! Someone told her I had questions and I was like, "Umm...no, I thought you were going to call me after your meeting on Tuesday." But while she was on the phone, we went ahead and discussed things. Not to my surprise, she didn't have any real answers as to why it didn't work, she kept saying, "It's just 50-50." I don't even know what that means.

We discussed FET. The only injectibles would be the progestrone shots but everything leading up to the FET would just be pills so that's a nice change. I called the lady in the finance department after we hung up and got the estimated total. It would only be about $2,500-$3,000 plus the cost of drugs. I was actually shocked by that because I was thinking it would be 5 grand. We're still going to wait and do it when discussed though because summer is an awful time for us. If we're looking to do it end of summer/early fall, then I'm supposed to call in May so I put that on the calendar.

OH! I also asked the finance lady about getting a receipt for our last payment. She told me it was sent already and asked if the address was right. Umm....no-that's my dad's house that I haven't lived at in 10 years!!! When I had originally called to make our initial appointment, they had me in the system under my maiden name so see-I KNEW they had me in there from previous times at the hospital.

Before we even did this cycle, DH and I had discussed me donating my eggs. If we could help another couple out and take away the pain and heartache by doing this then we wanted to. So while I had Dr. Val on the phone, I asked if I would possible be able to do this. I didn't know since I did IVF and it failed and all that jazz. She said medically that she didn't see a reason why I couldn't BUT (always a but, right?) I weigh too much. I'm not surprised, I knew this. The sucky thing is they want you to be height/weight proportion which means I would have to weigh 130-140. Even at my skinniest and healthiest, I weighed 160-170. So the chances of me being able to donate my eggs are slim to none unless someone I know personally needs them. I mean I understand, they want a healthy person to be an egg donor but hey now, big girl can produce eggs-I had 16!

She's still going to call me next week after their meeting (they aren't meeting this Tuesday) but basically just to tell me to move ahead with FET. Surprisingly, Dr. Val was REALLY nice! She didn't make me feel bad for asking questions or like it was my fault or DH's fault that it didn't work, she didn't even make me feel like a fatass when she told me that I weighed too much. I did ask her if there was anything I could do in the meantime or meds to take. She just said a multi-vitamin and be as healthy as possible which I plan to be starting January 1. I'm taking this week to pig out, indulge in some caffeine then half marathon training starts again on January 3.

I feel like the tears are slowly drying up except for last night when I watched "Guiliana and Bill." Through my tears, I told DH, "It makes me sad that she wants to give up after two cycles. You know they can afford to keep doing it." Seriously, if money wasn't an object, we'd try every month! So thank you, Dr. Val, for being surprisingly nice.

My Christmas Gift

Aunt Flo!!! She came to visit bright and early on Christmas morn...nothing like a crazy aunt to bring so much fun to the holidays!!! Seriously though, I'm glad she came. I mean I knew I wasn't pregnant and I'm not on these crazy hormones any more so I just want my body to get back to normal and getting my period is the first step. Please no more 33-36 day periods, please let my 27-29 day cycles return. Back to timed intercourse, OPK kits...I prefer the shots please.

How I'm Doing & Traditions

What a week! Wednesday seemed like it was sooo long ago but in actuality it was only a couple days ago and here we are on Christmas. I won't lie and say I'm doing well, I'm really not. When I'm busy and not thinking directly about it, then I'm okay but for every other time...not so much.

Since the BFN and my mass cleaning, we headed to my dad's for Christmas. I was pretty proud of myself that I didn't cry in front of them but they knew better than to talk to me about it or ask how I was doing. I did get my dad addicted to Words with Friends on his I-phone but he did get pretty upset when I was kicking his a$$.

Thursday afternoon, I met with the pastor friend of ours. I must say I do feel a lot better in the God-sense. I asked him a lot of questions I had on my mind...for one, why would God cause such heartache and pain for us? It was a good discussion and I plan to blog about it soon. I have found myself not asking or feeling the need to ask, "Why?" but my heart still doesn't feel better.

I break out in tears at LEAST 5 times a day. This morning I woke up and didn't feel the need to cry...right away. My 6 year old neice, who tells me everytime I talk to her that shes praying for "sissy (that's me) to have a baby," was there. She's always fun but a couple times we were both on the verge of tears. I'm not sure if my sister's told her what happened (the BFN) but she could tell something was wrong. I love her so much but I know one day she's going to grow up and realize I'm not the "cool" aunt anymore but that's another worry for another day.

My dad lives about 2 hours from where we do. They were calling for lots of snow back where we live. DH has to push snow and there was possiblity that he might have to leave before noon which meant that I would be stuck at my parents until Christmas without hubs. Normally, I'd be okay with this, but not this year, I need him right now. I prayed Thursday night asking God to have the snow hold off so I could go back home with him and what do you know, my prayer was answered! He didn't have to go in to work until 11pm.

We came back into town, stopped by his parents to say hello...and eat...again. Then we came home and had our Christmas gift exchange after we unloaded the car and loved on the pups some. I opened one of my gifts first then he started to open one and I broke into tears. AH! I'm such a sap these days!!! I told him that it wasn't much, they were things I'd bought throughout the year and I'd messed up on one (totally bought the wrong size!) and I was stressed about money so I didn't buy much towards the end of the year. He was so sweet about it and told me it was okay and he loved whatever he got. He ended up being pretty happy with everything and he said his favorite thing was the baseball jersey I got him which was the wrong size!

After the gift exchange, we did a few chores and put together some of the new gifts. There was a slight panic when I thought I'd lost a ring passed down to me from my grandma but we found it pretty quickly. DH to the rescue once again! Then I decided we needed to add more to the donation pile. We went to the basement and started going through boxes. We added some extra stockings, a lamp and some other holiday decorations we don't use. Then I looked at DH and asked him about our traditions.

Let me start this by saying, we've only had a Christmas tree once since we've been married. Since then we haven't because we're never home for Christmas, we don't have anyone over to look at it and we keep telling ourselves, "We'll have a tree when we have kids." So as we were cleaning out, I saw different ornaments we've collected. I asked him, "If we don't have kids, do you think we'll ever have a Christmas tree?" He knew exactly what I meant and he didn't know the answer to that. Then I asked him, "What will we do when our parents aren't around any more? What will we do for the holidays?" He told me that we'd have our siblings and their families to share the holidays with but let's be honest, when they have their own families and in-laws, DH and I aren't going to be anyone's concern. Sigh...so we don't have any traditions and we may not, which I suppose is okay because we won't have anyone to pass them on to.

I'm really dreading tomorrow. Today was a small crowd, tomorrow's a little bigger not to mention my BIL who tends to not know when to keep his mouth shut. I also have a feeling Flo is going to show up tomorrow too, I got my period as a gift last Christmas too.

So the whole point of this post is to let you know I'm surviving, its not easy, I cry at the drop of a hat, I keep replaying the conversation with Mary over and over and over in my head. But I'm trying to come to peace with God, myself, Dr. Val...everything. I know this sounds crazy but I miss my babies. I think I'm about to drive DH crazy by apologizing all the time...if it's not for failed IVF then it's for "being a freak" and crying every 5 seconds. He tells me I'm crazy but he still loves me. So how am I doing? I'm doing...

Merry Christmas everyone, may Santa treat you all well and may you enjoy all of your family traditions.

My Coping Mechanism

After I got all my tears out (who am I kidding, I know there's going to be A LOT more) and DH headed to work, I decided I was going to do some IVF Failed Cycle Cleaning. First to go, the stroller, swing and high chair that my sister gave to me before we even started trying. See ya! Then I started in my "dress clothes closet" and filled up one bag. Then I went to my every day closet and realized I have 19 pairs of khakis!!! Two bags later then I hit the kitchen. We had probably almost 20 coffee cups and being that DH is the only one that drinks coffee and he hasn't even had any for 5 months last year, I think it's okay to get rid of 7 coffee mugs and 7 wine glasses because once again, we can't enjoy a nice glass of wine if we're actively trying for a baby. So here's the final damage:

I scheduled a pick up for Monday so I can just open the front door and shove it all out.

DH and I talked and although we're really hurting and confused, we've agreed to wait and see what our options are when Dr. Val calls next week. I've told him it's too much on me, physically and mentally, to try right away, not to mention financially we aren't able. He said whatever I wanted. I appreciate that but I told him I didn't want it to be what I wanted but what WE wanted.

When I finally got ahold of my mom last night, she sobbed more than me and, of course, flipped it around to she's a bad mother because she's not in the same state and needs to be here with me-sigh, I asked her to stop crying because it was only making me feel worst. She sobbed on the phone and told me she'd pay for us to do it again. Sigh...I can only handle so much right now and that's when the closets called my name.

On the complete opposite, I emailed DH's mom and sis to tell them the news and his sis wrote back sorry and that was about it. His mom didn't even email back so I told DH he should call to be sure his parents knew. When he called, his dad was like, we know, your mom got the email. Sigh...can't there be a happy medium?


So there you have it, that's how I coped last night...tears and cleaning out the closet. OH! I also kept thinking all night, maybe I heard her wrong, what if I just imagined it was negative. But then I replayed the convo and I knew I heard correctly. I know it's a long, long road ahead of us, I just knew where it ended...

The BFN Story

I was anxiously waiting all day for the phone call. I had a dull headache all day and about 11:30 I realized I was starving! At noon, I decided that they weren't going to call during the lunch hour so I ate some lunch and called DH to give him the update that we hadn't gotten any news. He then told me that he was nervous. I told him, he can't be nervous-that's my job!

At 12:50 the phone rang and I saw the number. I took a deep breath and answered. It was Mary. She said my name wrong then went into, "Oh A...I'm so sorry, we got the tests results back and it was negative...blah blah blah." I just ok-ed and mmhmm-ed while she talked only half listening. I was really proud of myself because I didn't cry. Basically she said that all the doctors meet on Tuesday evenings to discuss the most current cases. So Dr. Val would be calling me probably on Wednesday. Dr. Val-wait, whose that?! Oh the lady that looked at my vajayjay in September, that's right, I'd kind of forgotten about her.

She said that Dr. Coop said I had great looking frozen embryos so she strongly recommended we move forward with the FET. Then she went on to explain how that all worked for me and I wasn't even listening. I interrupted her and told her we wouldn't be doing anything right away because we didn't have the money. She told me it was much less, only a couple-few thousands dollars...yes, chump change, right? Maybe for Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie but oh, they'll just go adopt whatever they want. So basically I stop all my meds except prenatals (I've been notorious for stopping taking those whenever I get really disappointed so I'm going to have to forge ahead and get over it). AF will show up in a few days and I have a feeling she's going to come with a vengeance since she's been trying to come since last Saturday night. What a whore!

The whole time Mary was discussing FET, I was thinking in my head, how can I even be positive about ANY other cycle? Minus the whole late Lupron bleed, the overfull bladder on ET day and the slip down the stairs...everything else looked good. Sixteen eggs and five good embryos isn't anything to frown about, is it? I mean our ET was on Immaculate Conception Day!!! I guess until I talk to Dr. Val and figure out what "went wrong" I won't be looking forward to any future procedures.

Maybe this is vain of me but since our main factor was male infertility, I thought we had a GREAT chance of this working on the first time and IVF is so agressive, I just knew it HAD to work. I'm sure this will sound selfish too but throughout my life, everything's always worked out, it may not have been easy but things have just flowed and ended up working out. While we were trying until I took that first BCP, I kept thinking, okay, this is going to workout, we aren't really going to have to do IVF, I'll be prego this month but we weren't. So I figured when we did IVF that it would have to work, it didn't.

As soon as I hung up with Mary, I called DH and told him. He said, "Seriously?" Like I would joke about this. I cried a little and we hung up. He came home early from work and told me he cried too after we hung up and he DOESN'T cry. I heard him come home and I meet him in the hallway, he pulled me into a hug and I sobbed...like deep from the gut tears and sobs. We laid down and I told him everything going through my mind. He didn't say much but just held me which is what I needed. Our black lab could tell something was wrong and put his head on my arm.

After I'd hung up with DH and before he came home, I called my dad and sister. It's funny because my dad wanted to talk and talk and talk, with my sis, I told her and said bye and she just told me she was sorry and she loved me. I've tried calling my mom but her phone is off, I wish she'd answer because I know she'll be a basketcase so I just want to get that over with. I sent the word out through the social media and got lots of sorries. Everyone is so sweet.

After I called everyone, I put all the needles, meds, sharps containers, our binder and paperwork in a box and hide it in the back of the closet. It's so hard to think about going back to our "normal" life...not planning around shot times or doctor's appointments, drinking from my water bottle instead of my monstorous cup they sent me, not wondering if cheese is okay to eat or not. I went to lay down and saw the u/s pic that we'd put in the corner of a frame in our bedroom. I took it down and cried some more then put it away with the binder. No trace of infertiles at our house, well aside from the no children, no books, needles or pics of embryos.

To be honest, about halfway through last week, I could tell this wasn't going to work. I didn't feel prego, I felt Flo trying to come, I kept planning in my head what we were going to do if it was negative. I didn't even have a plan for if it turned out positive, figured I'd have plenty of time to figure that out. Of course, everything I'd planned for if it was negative went out the window.

I really don't even know what to do but cry. I don't want to be alone but I don't want to be with people. I don't want to go in public but I don't want to stay home. I want to eat a shit ton of ice cream but I don't want to eat at all. Every other time in life, I figured it out, I knew what to do but I was at a loss. Just totally lost, no clue what to do and the fact that the we're going to my dad's tomorrow and then DH's fam on Saturday, totally not looking forward to that, to opening gifts, giving gifts...none of it. I just want to wallow in my own pity. Ironically, I think I just want to go back to work so I have something to do and don't have to deal with any family or any of this.

I feel like such a failure, let down, horrible person. I feel like I let DH down, I know I let me down, our parents, our siblings, our friends, all of you...I'm just super hating life right now! I feel like I've let you ladies down that are going through IVF, like I'm a failure so I shouldn't give you any advice or my thoughts. Sigh.

I don't get it. DH and I are good people, why? We don't go around spending money on crazy things, we help others when we can, we do our jobs the best we can, we love our families and friends, we're good with kids...so WHY!?! Why does God hate us? What did we do? So many people were praying and hoping for us, I just don't get it. Are we really bad people who think we're decent? 2010 has been the shittiest year and I'm done with it, I've checked out, I'm done. FU 2010-get the f*** out!

My dull headache turned into a MASSIVE headache after you know about 3 hours of nothing but sobbing and tears. So I pulled out what I haven't had in a year-EXCEDRIN! About an hour after I took it, I can't say that my headache feels better but it does some. Tomorrow I'm getting some Mountain Dew and I think DH and I will be hitting up some place this weekend for some much needed cocktails.

I'm just lost right now, dreading Flo coming and questioning God. I called my dad and asked him to see if I could meet with a preacher friend of ours when I go home tomorrow. So I'm meeting with him at 3:30 tomorrow, I have a feeling there'll be lots of tears and questioning why, why, why. I hope he's prepared for me-I think it might be a little bit of a rough meeting.

Thanks for all the thoughts, sorry if I check out for awhile. I will be checking back to see how everyone's cycles are going but right now I just need time to accept all this and understand why. I hope everyone has a great Christmas and New Year and I pray, wish, hope, cross my fingers that 2011 isn't nearly as sucky as 2010. Heart you all!

The Wait's Over

I got the phone call and a BFN. Thanks for all the support and prayers. I'm just at a loss right now...I feel like such a failure. More thoughts later...thanks for always being there.

Now We Wait

I just got home from having my blood drawn. I woke up with DH this morning, he was running a bit late so I got up and made his lunch. He gave me a quick goodbye and said, "Oh today's the day we find out if we're pregnant...don't forget!" Oh silly DH-how could I forget, my stomach was already in knots! I waited until the dog got dropped off that we're dog sitting then I laid in bed a little longer and finally at 7:50 I decided to get up and get ready.

I put on my socks that I've worn to every appointment, my fertility earrings and my Runners 4 Luke shirt. Luke is the son of a friend of mine who was killed in 2001 outside the zoo by a drunk driver. I pass by the zoo and the walking bridge, that was built because of Luke's story, every time I go to the doctor's office. I felt like Luke's been with me at every visit so it was only appropriate I wear the Runners 4 Luke shirt.

I get in the car and start my drive, my stomach just eating away at it's self. The radio station I normally listen to was doing a fundraiser for the Children's Hospital so I was in tears by the time I got on the highway. I decided I should change the station to something a little more upbeat. About halfway there, my bestie sorority sis called to check on me and it was great to get my mind off of things. I also got some really amazing tweets, emails and other messages that just meant so much to me.

When I got there, I was surprised to share the elevator with Dr. K. We talked about how the lab was closing for a couple weeks then as we were about to go in the office she asked how I was feeling and I told her nervous because today's the day. She touched her heart and said, "Oh I pray..." I know I'm many of her patients and she probably couldn't remember my name but I could tell she was sincere. OH! She also asked me if I'd cheated and I told her no. That if it came back negative, I didn't want the pain of hearing it twice.

I headed in for the big blood draw. She had to dig around for a vein but I think I'm immune to it and it didn't even hurt. As soon as it was done (she forgot to draw the extra blood for the study I'm doing-oops!), my stomach wasn't as nervous. I walked out and asked the receptionist if I could FINALLY meet Mary. She told me I'd probably have to wait for a few minutes and I said that was okay. I mean I was either going to wait there or at home, right?

While I was waiting for Mary, I FINALLY figured out how to use the Wi-Fi!!! She came out and we chatted and she gave me a hug. She said she saw today was "the day" and she had her fingers crossed for me. I left and said, "Not to be mean but I only hope I see you guys a couple more times!" She laughed and said her too.

Then I headed home and let the pups out, put on my comfy pj pants but left on my socks, shirt and earrings. And now, well now I just wait...

One Blood Draw Tells All

26 shots of Lupron

7 shots of Gonal

(plus the one extra I accidentally did)

4 shots of Menopur

1 shot of HCG

5 Blood Draws

1 IV

17 shots of progestrone

16 Eggs

5 Good Embryos

3 totsicles

2 babies transferred

Countless Tears

Numerous Worries

Too Many Fears

One Hope

One Goal

And one blood draw tomorrow will tell us how this journey begins...or ends.

Tomorrow's the big blood draw day! To say I'm scared is an understatement. Either result tomorrow will turn my world upside down (again, so am I right side up again?). I'm off work, DH is working 7am-11pm...its going to be a long day for both of us. My heart is already racing anticipating the phone call when I see their number flash on my phone.

I don't know when I'll blog again. I promise I'll update either way, just not sure when. To all those about to start their next cycle of hope, good luck and remember to celebrate the small successes and hopes along the way. To everyone who has prayed for us, thank you...words can't even begin to express how much we appreciate it (I'm about to cry as I type that). You've all been wonderful support and encouragement and made the journey that much more fun and enjoyable.

Happy Holidays to you all! May God bless each of you with a miracle in 2011 and a little understanding too. I heart you all!!!

PS-In case you were counting, that's 62 (if you count the accidental shot) times I've been "stuck" from November 7-December 21 and every time it's been worth it. I'd do it all over again in a heartbeat.

"How many kids do you want?"

Last week as I was telling people that we had 3 totsicles, I had a couple people ask me how many kids that we wanted. I found that so odd. I mean, yes before DH and I got married and when we decided to start trying to have kids, we'd discussed this. Originally we wanted three but then changed our mind to two...having them 4-5 years apart and the first before we were 30. Cue IF to enter our world and that plan was thrown out the window. At that point, we just wanted one child...if we could even have that. Forget having two and the timing of when we'd have them.

I'm not saying that the people who asked me this were out of line but like I said it was just odd to me. IF robs us of so much. I mean some things are obvious, it robs us of our finances, our intimacy, getting prego the 'ole fashioned-way without planning or thinking but it also robs us of a lot of the small things that I don't think everyone realizes.

In our case at least, we no longer have the choice of deciding how many kids we want...our finances will decide that for us (as in we have to front $15 grand to decide to TRY for a child and still be able to support him/her). We won't get to surprise anyone with news that we're pregnant. This is partially our fault because we were so up-front and honest with everyone that I know everyone knows when we'll be testing. The one thing that it's robbed me of, that I hate, is that I no longer dream. I never think further than the next test or procedure or blood draw. If the test comes back positive, I haven't even looked up to see when my due date would be, thought about childcare or names or nurseries...all things I already had planned out when we first started trying.

So how many kids do we want? We would feel truly blessed with one child to raise to the best of our ability but we'd be happy with however many God wanted to grant us with.

We Should Take Up Stock in TP

Yesterday, I had to work and DH headed to the farm (not before stopping by work to shoot me in the butt with progestrone...oh we're so romantic these days!). This post is going to get to be TMI-just warning you now. I get home and I'm not really crampy but I feel like something's down there, like wanting to come out. So of course, I start sucking down the water so I have to pee every 5 minutes and can check the TP...so far nothing.

The first week of the 2ww I was feeling really good and positive then this past week it suddenly hit me that I feel totally and 100% normal...no symptoms at all, discouraging. Then last night starts the weird feeling "down there." I checked my ovulation calendar and realized that today was day 28 of my cycle so could that feeling "down there" be my period wanting to come out but the progestrone isn't letting it?

I go to take a shower and see some whitish/clear discharge. Sigh. I yell at DH to come look and he does, he tells me it's just a sign of being pregnant...he knows. Did you know apparently my husband is an expert in being pregnant? Yeah, I didn't know that either. He tells me to look it up so I do. I found a forum and here's what one lady said, "Having no symptoms of pregnancy isn't a sign you're not pregnant. I just hate when I have the cramping and white discharge because I know it's over and my period is on the way." Wow-real encouraging.

I started dinner and once the soup was on to warm up, I went to the bathroom. When I came out, DH is standing there. He smiles and says, "Could you please stop wasting water by going to the bathroom every 5 minutes to check?" The weird thing though is when I wipe, there's nothing there...it's really a little yellowish as though I'm dehydrated although my pee is clear. So sigh, I have no idea! The next three days are going to be the longest days of my life!

Anybody ever been pregnant and had white/clear discharge or is this just Flo coming?

What's in the Can?

I finally broke down and opened up the tin! Inside was all sorts of goodies:

Socks, lotion, puzzles (I was partially right!), doodle pads, crayons, activity book. Plenty to keep me busy during the wait (which is now only 6 days!!!).

As for "symptoms," on Tuesday I woke up UBER crabby and went to bed at like 7pm, asleep by 7:01pm. So that's about it...could be a symptom, could just be I'm crabby and tired.

Yesterday was kind of a down day. Heard (another) pregnancy announcement and maybe it's just because I was surprised, tired of waiting, irritated or something but that one really hurt. Oh well, work all day tomorrow so that'll definitely keep my mind off things!!! Happy Friday everyone!

"Need Anything From Me?"

I've been very open with what we're doing with everyone I work with. I mean after all, I did have to give some shots at work and I had to be off last week at the drop of a dime. When I got the call about the ER, I stopped in my big boss' office and just told him that the following week would be when we were doing all our IVF stuff so I'd be taking my time off. He looks up, "Okay, do you need anything from me?" I just shook my head no but in my head I was giggling and responding, "No, DH's got that covered."

I told my immediate boss and we both got a good laugh out of it. Apparently, while I was out, she told him what he'd said and how it came across. They got a good chuckle out of it. In his defense, he said he didn't really know what was going on and didn't want to get too personal and ask any questions.

Yesterday, he came up and said, "So you need anything from me?" See I didn't know my boss had told him so we all laughed AGAIN but this time my cheeks were bright red. Anyways, it was pretty hilarious and I'm laughing as I type this post. So for everyone out there that read this blog, please don't ask "Need anything for me?" or I'll start giggling.

I'm Afraid I've Become THAT Girl

Yes, I'm the girl who used to hate when my friends would discuss sex or anything along those lines in college (I won't even tell you the phrase they would say that would make me scream and cover my ears) and now I'm afraid I've become THAT girl. I tell people about bruises on my butt, the color and size of my discharge, whether my boobs are sore or not and it doesn't even phase me. It's become such a common concept and conversation to me that I don't even think twice and usually about 10 minutes after I finish a conversation, I THEN think to myself, "Hmm...maybe they didn't want to know all that..." I'm going to continue to be open and TMI on my blog but I'll try to watch what I say in person because I have to realize that not everyone is interested in DH's sperm count or how big the spectums were that they shoved into me and that some people don't enjoy hearing the word vagina multiple times in one conversation. So I apologize for being THAT girl.

A couple other thoughts...

1. Everyone keeps asking me how I'm feeling. To be honest? As of yesterday, I feel normal. No real cramping, sore boobs, nausea or anything like that. Am I supposed to feel different or is this just a sign that it isn't working? Don't answer that because I'm trying to just not think about it or fret, now next week...I'm sure I'll be worrying and fretting up a storm! I am tired of waiting and worrying and wondering, sigh, but that's the game of IF, isn't it?

2. DH had to work last night and tonight which means two nights in a row of progestrone in the legs. I was totally dreading it but last night, I did a pretty fab job! It didn't even hurt going in and wasn't sore for awhile. The only thing though is that when I pulled it out, it looked like some meds leaked out (which TOTALLY stresses me). This happened when I was doing the lupron shots and it was because I wasn't pinching but I have been sure to pinch so I don't know what the deal is. DH says that doesn't happen when he does it so I don't know.

Well, that's all I have for now. One week down, one to go.

Three Little Embryos

The lab called on Friday and the three embryos we didn't put in were doing great!!! They froze all of them for us to use at a later date. It was awesome to hear our three little embryos were doing so well and very encouraging that hopefully the two inside me are doing just as good!

A Slip

Down the stairs, I did it yesterday. I spent all day Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday laying around taking it easy. My mom came up yesterday to pamper and help me around the house so I could still take it easy.

It snowed here yesterday and DH had to go push snow. DH called twice to tell us not to go out because the roads were bad. After being cooped up in the house for 4 days, I was getting restless but still taking it EXTREMELY easy. It was around noon and my mom was getting ready to cook something for dinner later that evening. She asked if we had hash browns and I said I'd go look downstairs. In the past 4 days, I've been up and down the stairs a MILLION times. I guess the millionth and one time was too much, I slipped, caught myself on the handrail and mainly just slid down a couple stairs on my butt. I didn't land on my stomach at all. My mom freaked out and I told her don't say anything. I got up and walked off fine, no hash browns.

When I came back upstairs, she told me to go lay down. I grabbed my phone, headed to the bedroom and laid down. I called DH and it didn't go through. My mom walked in trying to tell me, it was just a slip, it wasn't that bad but I could tell she was freaking out. She suggested I call the physician's outline. I ignored her and tried to call DH again, he answered but he was at work. I broke into tears, my mom came back in trying to talk to me and I told her, "I just want to talk to my husband!" DH was saying, "What? I can't hear? What?" I said never mind and hung up.

My little pupper (still 60 lbs) crawled into bed with me and I just held her, staring at the u/s pic and saying over and over, "Babies, please be okay...Babies, please be okay..." I rubbed my belly and told them it was okay and to just say and I was sorry, I prayed and just kept repeating over and over, please be okay.

I laid there for about 20 minutes then my mom came in trying to make me feel better. She did get me to laugh and I told her not to because I didn't want to use my stomach muscles at all. I went to the bathroom about every 10 minutes but everything seemed okay. I kept telling her I just wanted DH. I called him back and he could actually hear me and I wasn't crying this time. He told me he was sure I was fine because I'm a "tough 'ole broad." Thanks dear...I spent the rest of the afternoon on the main level and just laying around going to the bathroom and checking. I told him to hurry home because I just needed him to come and make everything better.

I did what I told myself I wouldn't do...I Googled then as I was, I decided why? Why freak myself out more? Why read sad stories? I'm so pissed at myself because I'd been so good for the whole time then the day before I go back to work and this. I REALLY hope the embryos are doing okay and this didn't mess with them. I didn't land on my stomach and I literally just slid down a couple stairs (my right butt is so flippin' sore).

At 4pm, I finally broke down and called the physician's hotline. It was another doctor I've never heard of (I don't think the main docs are ever actually on call for the hotline). She called me back and over convo went something like this:

Doc: Good news the embryos are fine but the question is are you ok?
Me: Yeah...my right butt (how awesome am I for saying butt to the doctor), I really think it just scared me more than anything.
Doc: Yes, I can imagine (she was very professional). The good thing about those embryos are they are very sturdy little varmints.
Me: Good, that makes me feel better so just continue everything as normal?
Doc: Yes, and I'll let Dr. Val know what happened. When do you see her again?
Me: December 22 for our pregnancy test.
Doc: Well, good luck, I'll hope for a good Christmas present for you.
Me: Thanks, I hope so too.
Doc: Word of advice? Don't do that when you're 9 months pregnant.

I did feel better after I talked to her. She reminded me of Dr. Val a bit. She told me to just do common sense stuff. About 5:30, I went to the bathroom and wiped. There was a brownish discharge so I yelled at DH to come in and take a look (seriously, I don't think either of us EVER expected to be doing the up-close-and-personal things we do for each other these days). He was calm and told me it was fine. I know it could be implantation bleeding and if I hadn't slipped today, I wouldn't have thought twice. So now I'm back to freaking out!

Sigh...this is going to be a long two weeks and I hopefully a long 9 months. Prayers please people that I don't fall any more, that my embryos are growing and that I don't go bananas in the next two weeks!

The Guessing Game

First off, here's a picture of one of the cupcakes I'd bought for Dr. Miyagi and John and his wife. I hope they enjoyed! I know DH and I thoroughly enjoyed the ones I brought home for us.
Now on to the guessing game...I had dinner with my friend K this a couple Thursdays ago. She gave me this tin to entertain me during the two week wait. It's NOT popcorn and when I shake it, it sounds like a puzzle.

So...any guesses???

Bed Rest and Random Other Things You Want to Know

Okay, so part of the reason for this blog is to let others out there know my story and maybe a little bit of what to expect so this is my potpourri post of things inquiring minds might want to know...

*Bed Rest-I'm "technically" not on bed rest. Dr. Coop said to take it easy for 48 hours, she didn't want me being a zombie (she held out her arms like a zombie) but I could get up and go to the couch or get a snack, we could even drive to go out to dinner. Mainly no cleaning (YES!) or shopping (BOO!) and not staying on my feet too much. I took all of Wednesday, Thursday and Friday off work because I had the time and we would rather be safe than sorry. I've spent most of the time moving from the bed to the couch to my red chair and walking to the mailbox to get some fresh air (its a short walk). I haven't risked it by cooking anything for fear of standing too long. I've unloaded the dishwasher in spurts, eaten a LOT of cereal for quick meals/snacks and started a few loads of laundry (DH moves them to the dryer and brings them upstairs). The biggest worry has been the dogs! I love to cuddle with them but sometimes they aren't the gentle-ist and when my 100lb black lab thinks he's a lap dog, well, that's not so good. I plan on taking it easy again tomorrow and my mom is coming up to "entertain" me and get me out of the house if the weather cooperates. So there you have your answer on bed rest.

*I jokingly told my friend A on Tuesday night before ET that I was worried I would "pee" the embryos out. After the ET, Dr. Coop said (and I didn't even ask), "Don't worry, you can't pee, laugh or cough them out." Whew-one less thing to worry about!

*Buy a scale! On Sunday at ER, they said to weigh myself daily and if I gained 5 lbs in one day contact them because I may be hyperstimulating. Well, Sunday we weighed at the office, Monday I weighed at DH's chiropractor, Tuesday at work and then after freaking out and being frustrated, I went and bought our own scale. So far it's more accurate weighing on the same one than a different one every day.

*Constipation...ugh! Ever since my ovaries started getting bigger and I was put on "no jostling" orders, I've been afraid to poop thought I might jostle too much. At ER on Sunday, V told me that constipation was a side effect. Well, that made me feel better...mentally but not physically. So lots and lots of water (which equals lots and lots of trips to the potty) and fiber bars (thank you honey for buying those!), and I feel much better! Still not 100% but it has helped TONS! Fiber bars are your friends girls!

*Progestrone in the leg hurts like a b****!!! The nurse told us to try to do it in the hip as much as possible so I would be able to walk. Unfortunately, DH has had to work two nights this week and it's physically impossible (for me at least) to shoot up in my hip/butt and look for blood and shoot and all that fun stuff. So if you have to do the leg, be prepared for stiff, sore leg...almost peg leg the next day. The good news is, it only lasts for a day then you're fine.

*Now since the ET, I've noticed as I sit at the chair or reach for my water or do whatever, I feel me tensing up my stomach muscles and try to relax. I worry every little cramp or bloat...is this normal??? I know I'm just freaking out but hey, I'm sure you all would/did too.

*Lastly, I'm done researching and reading. It's stressful enough without googling every little symptom so I'm going to do my best to just chill, talk to my babies and encourage them to stay. I like to tell them, "Stay babies and grow strong! We want to see you in about 9 months, it'll be worth it." DH likes to tell them, "Grow babies grow!" Hopefully, they listen and stick around!

So there you have it, some random things I thought you might want to know. Let me know if you have any questions or tips or stories of your own.

Only Ones in the Room

So I just wanted to post this because I think the office does a fantastic job with this. On Sunday when we went in for the ER, we had to get there at 7am. We got there, got called back and never heard or saw another couple. As I was getting the IV, Dr. K came in all scrubbed up and ready to go and sat in the room chit chatting with us. When the procedure was over, she stopped by along with a couple nurses and talked to us. They all kept poking their heads in to see how I was doing and Dr. K was there with the egg report came back.

Same thing on ET day, we never saw or heard another couple (as we were leaving I did see a pair of shoes in the first recovery room-you're supposed to use the closet!!!). Dr. Coop came in and chatted with us, she helped roll me back to the room and stood there talking to me for a good 5 minutes or so.

I just wanted to point this out because I know there's no way we're the only couple that did that stuff on Sunday and Wednesday but we felt like we were and we felt very important and that everyone cared for us. Now, going in for bloodwork is another story and as my friend K says, "it's like herding cattle." But it was nice to feel like we were the only ones in the room on the ER and ET days. Thanks docs and nurses-you made the experience that much better!

The ET Story, Its a Good One

Okay so my day...whew-what a crazy one! So the doc's office was supposed to call between 7-7:30 and let us know either way. DH took the day off work because with his job, he can't really go in late or leave early so I told him answer when I call, I'll call either way. I called him at 7:15 and 7:30 and nothing! I was starting to freak out! Finally at 7:45, they called and said come on in. I was seriously a big hot mess and even though I knew I would probably be leaving, I was still running around like a chicken with my head cut off. I finally snuck out of work at 8:08 and headed home to meet DH who finally answered the phone claiming to be in the shower when I called. I could already tell by the tone in his voice that'd be been nice one too many days and he was choosing today to be his crabby day.

I got home about 8:30 and peed (third time for the day). We got on the road and about 9am, I told DH to stop because I was supposed to empty my bladder at 9am and there was NO WAY I was going to hold what was in there until 10:05am when our appointment was. We stopped, I peed (fourth time) and got back on the road...I didn't drink a single thing. Dr. K called us as we were getting off the exit and I knew it was someone from the hospital because it always shows up unknown but when I answered it was like an old college friend calling which totally threw me for a loop, it took me a second to realize who it was. Basically, we had 5 looking good embryos and she just wanted to know which ones to pull out. She told me Dr. Coop would be doing the ET and that she was "red hot."

At 9:30, we go to the doc's office and I had to pee already! So I peed...again (fifth time). I got checked in, asked to speak to Eileen the financial lady to pay and DH followed me back-boo! I was like 5 feet from Dr. Miyagi!!! I really wanted to introduce myself and ask if he liked the cupcake but I knew that DH was crabby and would be irritated if I did that so I refrained and kept hoping that he'd walk through the waiting room...but he never did. When headed back to the waiting room and I started sipping water so I'd have a full bladder-yeah, none of you told me about the full bladder part!!! You have to do this so they have a better view of everything inside you down there.

We head back to the ET room and I was told to strip from the waist down and put on a gown. So I had on a sports bra, long sleeve shirt, short sleeve shirt and the gown and I REALLY had to pee. Dr. Coop came in and showed us the embryos and stats on each of them (this is when DH gave her the sheet with the pics back-he thought it was just a drawing!?!). When she asked how I was doing, I said I REALLY had to go to the bathroom and asked if I could just let out a little bit. The u/s tech checked and said it was a perfect shot so no peeing for me...okay, it's best for the embryos.

We start the procedure, sticking septums up in me, pushing on my bladder, I'm sweating from the light and all my layers and so afraid I'm going to pee on Dr. Coop. Apparently, I kept squeezing too much and the septums were slipping so they tried a different pair. Finally after like 10 minutes and I'm near tears (DH had stopped being crabby and was rubbing my shoulder and holding my hand, he was really intent on watching the u/s screen), they decide that my bladder is pushing too much on my uterus so I can pee. THANK GOODNESS!!! Dr. Coop has to hold my legs while they lower the bed, I get up and literally waddle almost doubled over to the bathroom, sure my butt is flapping in the wind and I get a cup saying I'm only allowed to fill it 3/4 of cup...that's a LOT of pee, people!!! Once I was done, omg, I felt 100x better!!!

We headed back into the ET room, started everything again and within minutes, our embryos went inside me!!! It was really neat because they kind of flickered. There were three main ladies plus DH and me then this lab lady came in looking right at my vajayjay, she went to check to make sure no embryos were stuck in the tube and we got the all clear!!! I told Dr. Coop, "I know pregnant women say they get so used to people being 'down there' and I have to agree and I'm not even pregnant!" She laughed and nodded that modesty usually goes right out the window. They rolled me back into the recovery room where I had to lay flat for 30 minutes and still couldn't pee but I was much better at this point.

Some patient back in 2006, started a book for other patients to write about their story or encouragement or whatever in the room so I read through that and wrote something of our own. I also had to fill out paperwork for a study that I'm taking part in. One of the questions read, "At what age did you begin to have sexual intercourse? If you haven't, please enter 00." I read that to DH and said, umm...if they haven't had sex and they're here then I think that might be the problem.

We got released a little later, I got to pee (for the 7th time) and we headed home. DH had to work tonight so I had to give myself the progesterone shot which was interesting to say the least. I'm not going to lie, I was more terrified of the ET than the ER and I'm even MORE terrified of the two week wait. Now it's all up to my body and me...I really, really, REALLY hope our embryos like where they are!!!

OH! And as they were wheeling me out, I heard them say something to DH and he responded with, "Oh cool!" This is what it was:

There on the left above the arrows...yeah, that's our embryos...INSIDE ME!!! Now we wait...

ET Done & Pics of Our Embryos!

Well, we did it. I have two little embryos inside me and I'm just hoping and wishing and praying that they like where they are! I've got a good story to tell you all but right now I need a nap so instead, I'll leave you with some pics of our embryos!

Here are the two we implanted! The one on the left is 7 cells and the one on the right is 8 cells.
This is the one on the right close up.

Dr. Coop was the one who did the ET, I'd never met her before today but I LOVE HER!!! Dr. K called to discuss which embryos to pull out of the lab on our way down there and she told us that Dr. Coop was "red hot!" Dr. Coop came in and showed up this paper before the ET, we looked at it and discussed and I had to pee so bad, she even told me she could see the eyes glassed over, full bladder look on my face (more on that later). When we were getting ready to go, I asked to see this again so I could snap a pic. The nurse looked at us confused, oh? She didn't let you keep it, DH chimed in, "Umm...I gave it back to her!" Good thing I asked!!!

We still have potentially three more embryos that we could possibly freeze but won't know anything until Monday. Okay, I'll be back after I nap and give myself my first progestrone shot on my own and I'll tell you all the dets PLUS more pics of my embryos!

ET IS TODAY!?!

Holy cow! I'm a hot mess right now...excited, nervous, scared!!! No data to know how my embryos are doing. Will update later while I'm laid up in bed trying to make a good home for my little ones! Talk to you soon!!!

Progesterone

Because I've shared with you all my other meds, here's a pic of the progesterone.
With it's massive needle.
We are rotating between each hip and my two thighs. I think I'm going to have to give myself this shot on Wednesday and I'm not looking forward to it. It hasn't hurt...yet. No set time like the other shots, just same time every day. We decided to stick with 6pm. Only 1 cc...if we get prego, we have 8 weeks of this stuff...so come on and let's hope for 8 more weeks of shots!

Silly Dad

I emailed my parents yesterday to tell them that "8 is great!" This was my email convo with my dad:

Dad: How many will they put back in?
Me: Only 2. Don't worry, I won't be octomom.
Dad: Okay, I was wondering...

Silly Dad!!!

Eight is GREAT!

I just got off the phone with the nurse and here's my update:

We harvested 16 eggs.

4 were too immature.

They fertilized 12 eggs.

We have EIGHT embryos!!!

She asked to make sure I was taking it easy and keeping my fluids up, I told her I was. I didn't get out of bed until almost 11 with the exception to take my meds and eat a piece of pumpkin bread to wash them down. After lunch, I moved to my comfy computer chair and haven't moved much except to get the mail and bring up the trash can (don't worry-it's on wheels so there was no jostling!).

I'm supposed to be weighing myself so I don't hyperstimulate. I planned on doing that at work but I'm off today. The only place I can think of is the vet, hmm...

I called DH with the report and he was super excited. When I was about to hang up with the nurse I said, "That's a good report, right?" and she said, it was "an awesome report!" When I told DH that she said that, I could hear the smile in his voice.

I'm thinking we'll probably have a day 3 transfer. They said if we had two good embryos and the rest were so-so, we'd go ahead and transfer day 3. If they all looked great, we'd wait until Friday. She also said that they did more day 3 to reduce the chance of multiples.

I'm really REALLY happy and excited right now but I'm trying not to get too wound up. Have I ever mentioned that 8 is my favorite number???

16 Follicles & 16 Eggs!!!

The ER was the morning and we got 16 eggs! Not all were super mature but I'll still pretty thrilled that they got ALL the follicles/eggs I had. Saaawweeeettt!! I'll start from the beginning for all the inquiring minds and for me to be able to look back and remember.

DH and I got there at 6:45, about 15 minutes before we were supposed to so we sat in the waiting room. Seriously, at 6am on Sunday morning, there is NOTHING on the radio!!! We got called back and I had to change into a gown-boo! I hate hospital gowns but DH did a great job tying it so my booty wasn't hanging out.

V came in and chatted with me getting me ready. She's the one that did our orientation and she's a chatty lady, which I liked...DH did NOT. He kept telling me when she'd leave, stop talking so much! She gave me some med to take and I was SO excited to get something to drink, even if it was only 2 sips of water. Then she started asking me if I was allergic to eggs or dairy, I said no then laughed, why do I get breakfast? V laughed with me and said good try. OH! V told me that since I was on the giant ovary roller coaster, I might experience constipation, check-got that!

I looked at my bracelet and saw that Dr. Man's name was it. I asked why...turns out he's on call starting on Tuesday so he'll probably do the ET! I was so excited and giddy!!! Then Dr. K came in and we discussed some things that needed to be reviewed and she informed me that Dr. Man had a death in the family so if we have a 3 day transfer (Wednesday), it probably won't be him but if we have a 5 day transfer (Friday) then it'll probably be him. Hmm...okay, I tried not to focus on that and just asked a few questions. I told Dr. K that I'd met some of her other patients through blogging and she thought that was really cool. She also read me all the risks of surgery, um...thanks, I told her let's just not plan on any of that and we'd be okay.

She left the room and V told me that the anesthesiologist, Dr. Mac, would be coming in to start my IV. I asked her, umm...will I be asleep before you guys start doing anything down there? She said yes and I was relieved. Dr. Mac came in and drew some blood for a study that they're doing. As he was doing this, I told V and him that I'd counted up all my shots and had down 47 shots/injections/blood draws since November 7. Dr. K heard part of it while in the hallway and came in to the room to hear what I'd said. She reminded me that if it worked, I'd have 8 more weeks of shots and I smiled and said I hope I keep the total going up.

Then he started the IV and said I'd be feeling very relaxed in about 30 seconds. V spoke up, "We were supposed to go to the bathroom." Oops! We hurried and I got there in time but I was definitely feeling relaxed as I stood up. Then we headed to the surgery room, I had to scoot my butt down to this bend in the thing, put my feet in the stir-ups then I don't remember anything...

This was the comp with my vitals, I thought I didn't have a heart rate but V told me they were just checking my pulse-whew!
I remember waking up the room and asking for DH. They said he'd be back to see me shortly. My eyes were still closed when they told me that they'd gotten 13 eggs, I smiled (eyes still shut) and said, "That's my birthday." Dr. K said that the number wasn't for sure final and about 5 minutes later, they said that they'd gotten 16 eggs and Dr. K laughed and told me that "I'd have to change my birthday!" I asked for DH again because he STILL wasn't back there and then he finally came in. We had to sit back there for a long time, just monitoring me, I had to go to the bathroom twice. I got some apple juice and some peanut butter crackers to snack on. Dr. K came in and said they got some okay sperm from DH.

I thanked her and she left then the nurse, not V, came in and talked to us about what goes on now. I never caught her name. She showed us how to do the progestrone shot and gave me a 1/2 cc in my hip. I took some Tylenol for the pain. I have to do 1 cc of progestrone every night, take low dose asipirin, my prenatal and for 5 days another med twice a day. I did have some spotting which they said is normal for a day or two, if any longer call back.

They'll call tomorrow to let us know what's going on with the embryos. Then they'll call again on Tuesday with a tentative 3 day transfer time for Wednesday. Then they'll call Wednesday to say yes come in or no don't.

Here's a pic of where I had my IV, looks like I broke my wrist! Also, my NKA bracelet (No Known Allergies).
I called our parents when we were headed home. My dad was glad I was okay, he'd been worried since I've only ever been put under one time 10 years ago for knee surgery. My mom had called us at 5am, we were still sleeping, so when I talked to her again after, she said she'd had a really positive feeling all morning. DH's mom was excited. I called my sis and six-year old neice later this afternoon. My neice, H, asked since I had 16 eggs if I would have 16 babies! Then as we were about hang up, she asked, "Hey...did you get one of those black and white pictures from the doctor?" I it took me a sec then I realized she was asking about an ultrasound pic. I told her no and she thought I should have pictures of my eggs. I told her if I got a pic, I'd show her and she told me to email it-lol, she probably knows more about the comp than I do!

I took it easy the rest of the day, been drinking LOTS of fluids and getting in lots of cuddles with the pups. DH has been a good nurse and even cleaned up the house. Now we cross our fingers and hope our little embryos start growing well! Thanks for all the support, prayers and thoughts during this time. You guys are the best!

"Please don't push on my ovaries."

I started my day off with a special event at work. Who knew I'd have to protect my ovaries? One little girl kept running straight at me and trying to slam into me. I'd catch her before she'd run into my stomach. I looked at my co-worker who knows what's going on and said, "Geez...I hope she doesn't bust my ovaries!"

After the event, I headed to the office to get some things done and in order since I'll be off on Monday. Then I had to make a stop on the way home to get ready for tomorrow. Where? Here:

No, not the jazzercise place-remember no jostling the ovaries! I had to stop at the tattoo shop. See about 10 years ago (really? it was 10 years ago? Wow! I feel old), I like a naive 18 year old HAD to have my belly button pierced. I've never worn belly shirts and I was 21 before I bought a bikini so why? No idea but I just HAD to do it. When the lady called to tell me ER was on Sunday, she told me to take out my belly button ring. Um okay...thing is, I've never once changed it in the almost 10 years that I've had it. DH tried last night but I didn't want him pushing on my ovaries so I decided I would just stop by there.

The guy was super nice and I explained to him what was going on before I whipped it out. Gave him a heads up about the massive bruise and told him I'd had 47 shots in less than a month. As a body piercer, I think he was impressed. ;) As he started, I said, "Please don't push on my ovaries. We've paid a lot of money to get them this big." He laughed and said, good point. It was fairly easy and quick and didn't hurt at all...even after almost 10 years of it in there!

We then had a convo that went something like this:


Me: I know at this point, I should just take it out and let it be.

Him: Why? You're getting pregnant, not dying.

Good point. I'm just not ready to part with it yet, I don't know...maybe it makes me still feel young, it reminds me at one time in my life I was carefree and fun and not always thinking about if this drink has caffeine or not and how it will affect DH's sperm count. The guy was super nice and wished me well. This is what I left with:

Sorry about the button impression on my belly there. It's like a piece of waxy plastic and he made it longer so that if I did get prego it would grow with my belly. I never thought a stop to the tattoo shop would be on my list of things to-do before ER. Now I just need to shave my legs, pack my meds and get to bed early.

FYI-I feel super bloated which is uncomfortable but I am enjoying at the same time. I feel like its my eggs saying, hey-we're here! I came home from work and my errands and just wanted to lay down but I walked into a disaster! DH and his friend came over to what I thought was just putting in ceiling fans in all the rooms. Umm...no, they replace a bunch of outlets and at 1:30 they are working on the first ceiling fan. DH goes to work at 3, his friend is going to stick around to finish and so my house will be a total disaster before we go to ER. Sigh...not gonna worry about that right. I'm off to hopefully take a little siesta. When I write again, my eggs will be harvested!

A Fellow

When Dr. Miyagi called on Wednesday, he said he was a fellow of Dr. Val's. When I went in on Friday, I asked Margaret if she knew Dr. M, she said yes. Then I asked what a fellow was. It was kind of funny because she got a little...defensive isn't the right word but as she explained it, she kept saying, he is a doctor, he's a real doctor. Apparently, he's an OB/GYN but doing a three year fellowship to become a reproductive/endro doctor. I wish him well, I think he's pretty awesome...even though I've never met him!

Tomorrow's the big ER day!!! I'm nervous and excited at the same time!

HCG Shot Time and Some Thoughts

The goods:

Tonight's shot went GREAT! After all the craziness of our shots this week, finally this one, the important one went well...at least in our minds, I guess we won't know for sure until Sunday though. We started at 7pm because the nurse stressed that we MUST do the shot at 7:30pm SHARP!!! DH read all the paperwork stuff and my notes. I pulled up the video and we watched it five times (I'm not even exageratting!). DH pushed on my hips to find my hip bone until I told him it hurt. At exactly 7:20pm, we mixed the fluid with the powder and waited. DH was so nervous, he kept watching the video and trying to find the right spot. I wasn't nervous until it was almost shot time then I got super nervous. At 7:30pm on the dot, he shot me in the butt while I held on to our big 'ole black lab. It didn't even hurt!

And now for a couple thoughts...

I don't feel like Dr. Val has really done much with this. I mean she did the TET and sonalhist in September but I haven't seen her since. Dr. Man did our orientation and I saw him in the hallway once and he said hi (it was kind of like a celebrity saying hi to you or waving, I was all excited and giddy!). Dr. Miyagi helped me with the medicine fiasco and Dr. K is doing the ER. Maybe she'll do the ET but it's really just whoever is on call so we'll have to wait and see. The practice has 5 doctors. I really hoped Dr. Man would do the ER and/or ET but I'm happy with Dr. K. I've never met her but I know two ladies who've seen her so at least it's one that I'm somewhat familiar with and its not one of the two I've never heard of or seen.

I don't mean to sound sad but the ER/ET are kind of scary and nerve-wracking but not only for the obvious reasons. We've been trying for a baby for over a year, we've known we'd have to do IVF since April but now the time is HERE! All of the build up and hope and the day has finally come. In just a few weeks, our journey will either be over, paused or starting a whole new chapter. Now THAT is really scary to me.

Please say a prayer to calm my nerves! I haven't been put to sleep since I had ACL surgery 10 years ago in high school. I'm worried about that and DH's sperm and that good eggs come out and that we get embryos...I can't believe the ER is on SUNDAY!!!

Sunday is ER!?!

HOLY S***!!! SUNDAY IS ER!!! That was NOT what I was expecting to hear when I got the phone call. The u/s tech said I would come in tomorrow but I'm not, tomorrow is my day of rest-NO SHOTS!!! Tonight at 7:30 SHARP we do the HCG shot. No later, no sooner but right on the dot! My heart is still racing just thinking about all this. Dr. K, who I've never met but my other friends go to her, is doing the ER. Go figure, no more lupron, menopur or gonal...I just bought the menopur and have THREE unused bottles at $90 a pop and a 300 unit Gonal pen unopened...oh well, not thinking about that. I've been trying to get ahold of DH to tell him what's going on but he's not answering his phone. OH! I forgot, we've got 8 follicles on each side and they are 17, 18 and one is 20!

I can't believe the time is NOW! It's bananas!!! I don't even know how to describe it...scared, excited, nervous! Prayers, please....lots and lots of prayers for lots of eggs, for calming nerves, for good sperm count, for good embryos, just please think of me this upcoming week!

Ewey and Gooey

Here's your warning, this post is going to be TMI. If you don't want to see my bruised belly or hear about my cervical discharge then you should stop reading here. When I started this blog, I told myself I was going to be open and honest and not hide, even the gross stuff, that is going on because those are the things everyone should be warned about but no one wants to tell!!!

First things first, remember how I said on Wednesday that when DH gave me the lupron shot it bled? Like a lot!!! Well, we were in a panic to get the menopur so I didn't think too much about it until I went to give my shots last night. Whoa-bruise city! My stomach had been sore all day but I never thought to LOOK at it!
And so you can see where it is in comparision to everything (please disregard my fat rolls and my nice tie dye shirt, I was in my pajamas!).

So far that's been the only main big bruise. DH was super concerned, it was cute. I'm pretty sure he must have hit a vein and that's why it bled so much and bruised. Okay, moving on to the REAL gross stuff...

This is where it gets gross. When I went to the bathroom yesterday, I had SUPER THICK discharge. OMG!?! It was insane! It was there three different times when I went. I, of course, googled it and saw on some forums that it was normal because you were trying to rise your E2 levels and I also read that it will probably get even worst. I called Dr. Val's office just to make sure it was okay. Andrea called me back and asked me if it smelled funny or was itchy like an infection and to just watch it. She said she *thought* it might be from the drugs...duh!

This was when I asked if Mary was out of the office and they'd told me she had emergency surgery-yikes! I asked about her this morning and they said she'd probably still be out another week but there was another nurse that could help me. I nodded and said, "I know but I just like Mary." The nurse smiled and said, "I understand." I left her card that said get well.

Gross thing, well not really gross as much as TMI, but I wasn't sure if I was feeling the affect of the drugs. Well this past week, I've felt really bloated and gasy. I just assumed it was all the Thanksgiving meals I had, now I'm thinking its the good 'ole ovaries. During my u/s this morning, the tech, Margaret (which made me think of "Are you there God? It's me Margaret." told me I was now officially on "no jostling" orders. I went to the bathroom later and I'm like afraid to push too hard because I don't want to jostle anything!

Another side effect, even though I am SO FAR from pregnant, I think I have pregnancy brain. First the shot without meds, then running out of meds, then I forgot something at work, almost left the house without keys the other day...seriously, I think I'm going to have to make a checklist to make sure I get out the door with everything...including myself!

Another totally not pregnant but thing I've noticed, is that I get kind of queasy. If I take the prenatal without breakfast shortly after, my stomach gets all I-want-to-get-sick-but-have-nothing-to-get-sick-with. Then the other day I was eating lunch and someone was talking about their toe and I started to get queasy. It's weird!

So there's the ewey, gooey and grossness I've experience so far...don't forget about being leaky too. OH! The funny thing when I called DH and told him about the discharge over the phone, he was like, what's that? I told him I'd tell him later. Now waiting on Dr. Val's office to call with results from this AM...

The Best Place on Earth

No, it's not Disney World. It's this place:
The pharmacy that saved me last night!!! Thanks again to John and Dr. Miyagi! I could NOT fall asleep last night I was so hyped up on adrenaline, well that and the cookie dough I ended up eating for dinner. I'm going to have to change my mantra from one day at a time to a couple days ahead of time. Whew! I'm still amazed how it all went down and how I didn't freak out!

I got them cupcakes for a local, yummy delicious bakery that I'm going to deliver tomorrow. I got Dr. Miyagi Red Velvet and John and his wife Black & White. I also picked up one for my friend, K, whose going through IF. I met her for dinner tonight, it was great to see her. Poor Mary, my nurse is out with emergency surgery!!! I hope she gets better soon!!! What a flippin' crazy week!?! I'm exhausted!

Our Crazy Evening Adventure

Yes, DH and I had quite the adventure tonight. Basically it boils down to Menopur is the devil and hates me. After I talked to the lady today at Dr. Val's office, I knew I'd need more Menopur to get me through the weekend. On the way to visit my friend P and her new baby, I called Freedom to order more, it will be arriving tomorrow.

Fast forward to 6pm on the dot and I start getting the meds out...where's the Menopur? WHERE'S the Menopur? WHERE'S THE EFFING MENOPUR!?! Yeah, I didn't have any. I distinctly remember in orientation being told, don't run out of meds...I've had that thought in the back of my mind ever since then. I thought to myself, I won't ever run out of meds....it's totally out of character for me. Well, I did at 6pm when I was supposed to get the shot between 6-7pm. Surprisingly though, I managed to stay calm-well, calm for me, and didn't get too upset. Here's how it went down.

I realized no Menopur. I yell at DH, what do we do, what do we do? I told him to get the Lupron ready and I called the physician's exchange number. Okay, the doctor on call will call me in 30 minutes. We give the lupron and gonal shots. DH did lupron, no problem but OMG! It was a bleeder tonight!!! I went to do the gonal and I'd run out of meds in the pen. Now I'm still super confused because I did 3 nights of 225 which is 675 then I did two nights of 150 which is 300 so that totals 975 but it was only a 900 pen...did I mess something up? Anyways, I had to open a new packet and DH is telling me to calm down, calm down. Shot it, ok...two down, still no Menopur and still no phone call. Okay, I tell DH to clean up while I go google Walgreen's. I get ahold of Wags and ask if they have any Menopur...they tell me they have no idea what it is but they could order it. Uh...I need it in the next 40 minutes, not going to help. Right about this time DH's phone rings, it was the doctor!

He introduces himself as Dr. Miyagi (okay that's not really his name but in my panic that's all I could hear). He was super nice and reassuring. He told me, he'd call the pharmacy and we'd get me my meds. He said either him or the pharmacist would call so don't worry. I tell DH to clean up dinner, I got dressed. I was in my pajamas so I threw on a sweatshirt, combed my hair, put on shoes but no bra, totally didn't match and oh yeah, my hair was wet and it was like 40 degrees out. I searched the pharmacy, found the address and told DH let's head there because the pharmacy closed at 6:30, it was about 6:20 at this time. We get in the car and start driving.

As we drove, I told DH thanks for being calm for me and then he told me he was surprised I wasn't freaking out. I mean I was but I wasn't yelling or crying, I was more panicked than anything. After this convo, he looked at me and smiled saying, "We're on an adventure!" As we're about to get on a major highway, Dr. Miyagi calls and tells me John will call me with instructions to get the medicine. I ask him if I don't do the meds between 6-7pm or even tonight if all my eggs were going to die or what was going to happen and he assured me they wouldn't, I would be fine. He was awesome! He kept telling me it was okay, it's happened before, not to worry, everything would be fine. When I hung up, DH could hear him on the phone and agreed with me, he said-what I bet you want to go to him now? I do! OH! Dr. Miyagi also told us we were going to the wrong store so we had to turn back around. I thanked him and apologized and he was just so freakin' sweet! I have to admit, I did feel like we were on Amazing Race or secret agents with the time constraint and waiting for instructions.

As we turned around, John from the pharmacy called and said he'd meet us at the store in about 20 minutes. He said he's just gotten home and I commented, "OH! I'm so sorry, do you want us to bring you dinner or something?" I was joking but I really would have but I think he thought I was being serious and said, "Oh no, my wife and I are headed out that way." I felt awful!!! I hung up with him, called my sister to mapquest it for us (we don't have cool GPS or I-phones or anything). We got there a couple minutes before John did (he was on the route of the marathon I did!).

I got out of the car by myself and headed inside. He asked where I got my other drugs at and here's our convo:

John: Where'd you get your other drugs? Don't tell me Freedom.

Me: Umm...

John: You did.

Me: Sorry! That's where the clinic referred us. What's wrong with Freedom?

John: Nothing, they're a real pharmacy.

Me: What do you mean a real pharmacy? Am I really injecting myself with Mexican heroine or something?

John (laughs): No but we are usually cheaper.

Then to add insult to injury, he shows me Freedom's price list and his. Yeah, we're paying about $20 more for Menopur at Freedom than if we went through him. So forgetting actually saved us money!!! We chatted a bit more then he realized that they probably referred me to Freedom because they have the cheapest Gonal pens. He copied a price sheet for me and I'm going to compare and maybe get my refills through him. Then I can pick them up at my leisure and not have to spend an entire day at home waiting to sign.

He hooked us up with the Menopur, told me to tell DH to come in and shoot me. They had a private little area complete with rubber gloves, alcohol pads, sharps container...everything we needed! We'd brought our own but it was a nice little set up. I thanked him (about a million times!) then when we walked out, I waved to his wife and mouthed sorry. She opened her car door and chatted with us trying to make me feel better.

When I got home, I decided to search Dr. Miyagi. He's not one of the main doctors and he'd said on the phone that he was a fellow of Dr. Val's. I couldn't find him right away on the sight so I called the physician's exchange and ask for the name of the doctor on duty. Umm yeah, it started with an O-oops! So I go back to Google him but he's like a ninja, I can't find ANYTHING on him! I'm going to call the office tomorrow and see what location he works at. I plan on getting him and John and his wife something as a thank you.

OH! And I was only a couple minutes late with my shot, by the time all this was said and done, we were in the car headed home about 7:15! Moving forward, I will checking the day before for all my meds so I have PLENTY of time to get more if need be. And that my friend's was my crazy adventure!

556!!!

Dr. Val's office called me today and my estradiol level was 556 which is WAY up from Monday when it was 180! Tonight and tomorrow night, I continue on with 10 units of Lupron, 75 units of Menopur and 150 units of Gonal. Friday I head back in for more blood work and an u/s to check on my follicles. I'm kind of excited to see them even though there's nothing in there right now. My goodness this morning I was a Chatty Cathy with the lab lady telling her all about the needle craziness last night, she was probably like yeah, yeah, yeah...get outta here, I got 50 other women to draw blood from today.

OH! There is one thing that's bothered me this week and I don't know if I should just let it slide or what because I know sometimes at my work, we get caught up in this too. Monday when I went in there's this blonde receptionist and then there was a long, curly haired lady and they were bad mouthing another co-worker. Whatever, I was early, no worries, it's also the Monday after a holiday. Then today, blonde lady was there and I was waiting and brown curls comes in and from the patient side of the counter the two of them are gabbing/complaining. It just doesn't really make it a "happy" place to be...I mean, if I'm dropping $15Gs I want rainbows and sprinkles all over the flippin' room making me feel good and happy and positive!

OH! And another thing this AM, I was the first one there and then the room filled up...fast! Well, the waiting room has 3 couches and then some chairs all coupled together. Most of us there were by ourselves going to get bloodwork so, of course, everyone spaced out so we're not sitting by strangers. Two ladies sat on two different couches, a couple sat on a another couch and there was only one other couple. Another couple checked in and looked around the room, only single seats and not one lady got up, as I realized there weren't any seats together, I got up and moved to sit by a "stranger." I was a little surprised no one else offered, I mean hello-wouldn't you want to sit by your husband/significant other in a place like that?

Anyways, I feel like things are going good but I'm really trying not to get my hopes up. We'll see what happens on Friday!

Oops! An Extra Injection

Yep, I gave myself an extra injection tonight-oops! DH's sister was coming over for dinner at 6:30 so a few minutes before, we went to get ready. I was in charge of the Lupron and Gonal and DH was in charge of the Menopur. First off, let me start by saying-I HATE AIR BUBBLES!!! For the life of me, I can not flick those little suckers out! So I asked DH to which he gladly did, then handed it back to me and I looked at him wide-eyed, "Babe! I can't use that!!!" It was all crooked and crazy looking.

I go back to the bathroom (I was working in the bathroom and he was working in the bedroom on the dresser), fill up 10 units of Lupron, have DH flick out the air bubbles...gently, then go shoot myself. Then I went ahead and stuck myself with the Gonal pen but it wasn't doing anything. UGH! I'd forgotten to pull out the tab so I stuck myself for no reason!?! Okay, start over and done just as DH says he's ready for the Menopur.

I walk out of the bathroom and stop in my tracks, "WTH!?! That's not the right needle!" DH points, that's what you laid out. He's right, it was what I laid out...22 gauge instead of 27!!! If you're not familiar with the difference, google it-a 22 is ginamourous!!! Okay, got the 27, he shoots me-it went MUCH better than last night. Thanks for the tip Kayee, we didn't bother with the Q cup tonight and DH said the needle worked much better.

In total, since 11/7, I've been stuck 35 times...3 blood draws, 31 injections and 1 injection just for they hey of it. I'm getting stuck again in the morning for another blood draw, hopefully my estradiol is still going up!!!