MAJOR STRESS!

November 19, 2011
So this past week, we finally started telling people. Most people were THRILLED and couldn't be more happy for us. Telling DH's family was a major cluster as everything is with his family. His mom was excited. Then we went to see his dad and he read the little book I'd made and said, "Okay, she's pregnant, I get it." DH asked his brother if he was ready to be an uncle to which his brother replied, "For real? With A?" Umm...I don't think DH is running around behind my back doing IVF with another woman because we all know if he's sleeping around, he doesn't have to worry about knocking anyone up. We tried multiple times to call his sister and she never answered. His mom emailed me and said that my FIL told her and she's really excited. Yet she hasn't called DH or I either one.

This all went down last Thursday so as we were on the way home, I told DH not to slam on the brakes which started a WHOLE drama of everything getting blown out of whack. I had to work Friday night and DH stopped by. We hadn't talked since Thursday night. The only reason he stopped by to "apologize" was so that he could go out of town with his friends without a guilty conscience. There's a WHOLE plethora of reasons why I'm upset he left town that I won't get into other than to sum up that DH has ZERO time management skills and ZERO money skills. So since Thursday, I've been off and on weepy and upset and alone.

Saturday morning, I wake up and I'm still upset. My mom tells me I need to tell my cousins (these are the cousins that I didn't go to their mom's funeral because it was during my 2ww and my first beta was actually that day). I sent them both a FB message and here's what I said:

"Hey girls! Hope you're doing well. I wanted to apologize for not coming to Aunt G's funeral although I think she was with me that day. We were in the middle of fertility treatments and now I'm currently 14 weeks pregnant! I love you all very much!"

To which my cousin, W, writes back:

"Honestly, I was extremely hurt that u didn't come. This has been a tremendous heartache for us. And everyday is a struggle. I was happy to see your dad, sister and niece though. Congrats."

To which I immediately felt like shit and started SOBBING! Oh, did I mention I'm alone and can't talk to my husband because he's in the woods "hunting" (AKA drinking beer and partying with friends). Let me again recount that this cousin has three children by three different men, she didn't come to my wedding and I haven't seen her in...I can't even remember how long it's been. I made a selfish decision that I felt was right for my family and I stand by it. If I had to do it all over again, I would have. I wrote back and simply said, "I'll let them know." I emailed my dad, sis and mom and asked them to not speak to these cousins about me in the future.

So am I stressed? Umm...majorly! I know, I'm not supposed to be and I'm trying not to but it's not working! Maybe this is payback for me telling my co-worker the other day that I haven't really been emotional. Okay, I'm going to go take a semi-hot shower and nap. Hopefully, that'll make me feel better!

Freak Me Out!

November 14, 2011
Duh, I'm a worrier! Last week, I had my doctor's appointment. Baby Awesome's heart rate was good, everything else looked good except that my TSH levels were low so they drew more blood (seriously, I have blood drawn ALL the time!) to double check. Let me be honest in saying that at this point, I have done ZERO research on pregnancy. I could tell you all about infertility inside and out but pregnancy not so much. I mean, I know the basics but I haven't in depth researched. So when she said this, I had no clue what that meant. So in my non-medical words, this is the summary...

TSH measures your thyroid hormones. I have never had issues with my thyroid prior to this one time. During your first trimester, it is difficult to measure your TSH levels because they are so close in similiarity to the pregnancy hormone.

Like the OCD/Type A that I am, I went home and researched this only to (surprise!) freak myself out. If you don't get this hormone under control, you can get hypothyroidism or hyperthyroidism. One of the side effects of hypo is mental retardation so you can only imagine my worry. I called first thing that Friday and was like, okay, I did some research and I'm freaking out: let's talk.

First off, my levels are LOW so if I had anything it would be HYPER not HYPO. Hyper occurs in 1 in 500 women. Part of my re-test came back and my level was .43. The bottom part of the level was .45 so I was only .02 under. Still, this is me we're talking about so I'm still freaking out. The nurse practitioner said that they would further test my T3 and T4 and that would determine whether there was an issue. The treatment would be a medicine called PTU. She said don't worry and call back on Monday.

So what do I do? I turn to Twitter and Dr. Miyagi. Here was our Twitter conversation:

Me: what do you know about the medicine PTU?
Dr. M: ultimately safe for those with symptomatic hyperthyroidism in pregnancy
Me: Norm # is .45, mine is .43; should I be worried? They are waiting for T3 and T4 results. Sorry to always pick your brain.
Dr. M: Probably fine, but you should verify with your MD
Me: she's a DO :) If it was something, it would be hyper though, right? Not hypo?
Side note: He and I have had this huge in-depth convo about DO vs MD
Dr. M: Hyper...yes, try not to worry, you will be okay:)
Me: Don't worry you say to the girl who asked you if my eggs would be okay by one missed shot! See you tomorrow!
Dr. M: I think there is power in repetition:) see you tomorrow

See, this is why I think Dr. Miyagi is a great doctor. One, he answers my questions and two, he does so in a way to make me feel better and to try to not get me to freak out. The next day was the MIA Conference & Dr. Miyagi reassured me throughout the day that this is normal, your body's hormones are wacky and he was sure I was fine. I also asked him if something was up at the clinic and started by saying, "I'm probably just reading into things-" to which he smiled and said, "Who? You? I would have never guessed!"

Okay back to the story. So, of course, right at 9am when they open on Monday, I called and my results were perfectly fine. For your T3 levels, they should be between 2-4.4; mine was 3. For your T4 levels, they should be between .82-1.7; mine was 1.17. Whew! I asked if I needed to be tested again and she said no. To just try to chill out between now and my next appointment.

I immediately tweeted Dr. Miyagi and said: Ok you were right. T3 is 3 & T4 is 1.17...so all good. Now I'll relax until I find the next thing to freak out about :)

So there's my story about my freak out...not my first and I'm sure not my last either!

"Mom, this is Dr. K..."

November 13, 2011
So I told my mom and step-sister at the MIA conference yesterday. It was quite hilarious how it all went down. Dr. K and I had briefly worked it out how I would tell her. This is how it went down...

I was in the hallway picking Dr. Miyagi's brain about my thyroid levels & giving him suggestions for research papers but telling him that he'd have to dumb it down for me to understand when Dr. K arrived. I barely got to tell her hello when I saw my mom round the corner to head to the bathroom and I whispered, "She's coming, are you ready?" Dr. K nodded.

Let me break here. I tried to think of a special way to tell both my parents and I wanted to include Dr. K because I figured she never got to be included for this sort of thing. At the same time, knowing I was at an infertility conference, I didn't want it to be a big deal and to upset people's feelings so I was trying to figure out a way to get my mom and Dr. K away from the crowd. So this all just kind of worked out. Okay, back to the story!

My mom walks up and I introduce her to Dr. Miyagi and John from Apothecary and then I turned to Dr. K and said, "And this is Dr. K. She did my retrieval and transfer and now I'm pregnant." My mom had been smiling the whole time and just kept smiling as I said that. It took about 5 seconds and then her face went blank. She looked at me and said, "What? You're pregnant!" I nodded and she started crying and repeating, "You didn't tell me!" Uh...duh, that's kind of what I'm doing right now. I then told her that we put on the whole conference just for her so I could tell her.

So picture this, my mom sobbing, hugging me then Dr. K, kissing me then KISSING DR. K! Yes, you read that right...my mother kissed my RE!?! (Luckily, just on the cheek but more than once!) I said, "Mother! Did you just KISS HER?" They all laughed and Dr. K was crying right along with my mom. Finally, I told my mom, "Go to the bathroom before you pee yourself!" LOL! It was hilarious! Then my step-sis came down and we did the same thing. Luckily, there was no kissing this time around.

When Dr. K left, I thanked her again and apologized saying, "I hope my mother didn't traumatize you by kissing you!" She laughed and said it was the best kiss she'd received in a long time. Oye! My family is so CRAZY!!!

Update: She emailed me the Monday after the conference and asked that I stay in touch with her and send pictures, announcements, etc...She's so sweet-I LOVE HER!

A This & That Post

November 1, 2011
*The Cardinals won their 11th World Series Championship in 2011 during my 11th week of pregnancy!!!

*I got a Gatorade the other day (my saving grace so I don’t go insane drinking so much water!). The expiration date was my due date-how weird!

*I finally looked at the calendar and realized that my due date (May 13, 2012) is Mother’s Day!

*Other than being totally constipated, I'm not feeling pregnant which, of course, worries me plus add on the stress of work and I'm a hot mess. I feel like hot mess is a trend on this blog...

November 9, 2011
I barfed this morning. I'm 13 weeks and 2 days. I freaked out because according to all the reading, I'm not supposed to have morning sickness and then I ralphed. I called the doctor's office and when the lady made me feel like an idiot, I was THAT pregnant woman. No, not that one...the infertile one. I said, "I'm sorry. This is just my first time and we had to do IVF so I'm just super worried!" Yep, I pulled the IVF card. I must say, she was much nicer afterwards.

So far, we've only told my dad, sis and niece. I am telling my mom this Saturday (and hoping she doesn't cause a scene!) and we were hoping to tell DH's parents tomorrow night. However, they can't get together. Geez, it might be Thanksgiving before we tell them!

DH and I have been debating whether I'm showing or if it's just the normal pooch that I've always had. I think I've decided that I am because it's hard underneath the flab, not soft and squishy like it normally is. Before we did the FET, I lost a ton of weight and got done to a size 12 pants. When I wear 12 now, well they are super tight so I really don't wear 12s any more, I wear 14s. I have to be careful with what top or you can see the pooch. If you had no idea, you wouldn't notice but since everyone around me is super suspicious, I feel like they're all staring (I know, probably in my mind!). So I either wear 14s with baggie shirts or 16s and have droopy butt going on.

November 11, 2011
Doctor's appointment yesterday. No u/s, just Doppler. Baby Awesome sounded good with a heart rate of 160. Aside from the great news about Baby A, the other great part was that I didn't even have to take my pants off! My thyroid levels were low so they drew more blood to re-test. Waiting on results so I'll do separate post about that. Nurse practitioner that I saw gave me the okay to officially tell. It's still so surreal!

World Series!!!

October 20, 2011
Last night, my dad took my sister, my neice and I to our first ever World Series (and the Cards won!!!). DH and I had decided we weren't going to tell people until after we got off our meds. Halloween is the last day for PIO and all meds except prenatals-thank goodness! This girl's butt hurts! We went to dinner on Monday and DH and I decided that what better time to tell my dad, the biggest baseball fan ever, than at the World Series.

So we get to the game and my family is all dilly dallying around getting to the seats. I'm getting nervous and just want to blurt it out so I can get it off my chest. We finally get to our seats and get situated then I looked at my dad and said, "You know what? You're taking BOTH your daughter and BOTH your grandchildren to their first World Series game." Him and my sister were like, huh? Then my dad whispers, "Are you pregnant?" and I nodded. My sister and neice freaked out hugging me and I looked over at my dad who was tearing up. It was such a cool experience. Then I found u/s pics on my camera and showed them and filled them in on some stuff.

Then my dad said, "It doesn't even matter if they win or not now," which for my dad to say is HUGE! The rest of the night he kept looking at me and saying, "That's cool...really cool" and my 7 year old neice kept telling me, "I'm soo excited!!!" She even told my dad, "You're here tonight with 1 boy and 4 girls," then she looked at me and said, "because I want your baby to be a girl!"
She kept telling me I needed to be more excited but I'm still afraid to talk about it plus my back was killing me last night. It's still so surreal to me! I guess it's time I start realizing this is really REAL!

Oh, I got home tonight and my sister had emailed me. She said, "H said the best part of the game was finding out she was getting a new cousin and spending time with Papa." FYI-H is my neice. How sweet is that?

10 Weeks!

October 17, 2011
Today was a good day! Between my last appointment with Dr. Val and today I was a hot mess. Between the spotting brown and vanishing pregnancy symptoms, I was freaking out. Today was my first appointment with my OB, who I had never met before. I got there and had to answer 5 million questions then get changed into a gown and then Dr. Mat came in. She shook my hand, we chatted and she said, let's see how everything is doing. YES! Guess what? No wandie!!! A regular 'ole belly u/s today! Baby Awesome was looking, well, awesome! Heartbeat 173, measuring at 3.28 cm and exactly 10 weeks and 1 day with the same estimated due date on 5/13/12. I'm really liking the 13th because that's exactly 2 months after my birthday! Pics of Awesome today:


It still amazes me that there's a BABY inside ME! After the u/s, I had to do the dreaded pap smear and you know what? It wasn't as bad as I remembered. Dr. Mat and I chatted for a LONG time, I'm pretty sure I backed her up for the whole morning. She hugged me twice and stepped on my toe once so I think we're good. She gave me a TON of reading then I went and got blood work and a paper saying to get a flu shot (which I've never done before). I don't go back for another 5 weeks BUT she said if I got worried, I could come in for a quick u/s...that my friends is what I like to hear!

I had acupuncture this afternoon and will now be going every other week. Since today was a good day, I decided to celebrate with some salted caramel ice cream-it was delish! We're going to wait until Halloween (the last day of my PIO, estrace and aspirin) before we start telling people. Whew, I feel SOOO much better and I love my new OB!

Come Monday!

October 14, 2011
The past two weeks have sucked...hard core. Let's see on 10/3, I had an u/s and meeting with Dr. Val. I left feeling great because Baby Awesome looked perfect and I had graduated and was moving on to a regular OB. Then that Wednesday, I went to the bathroom and I had brown in my underwear and brown when I wiped. I called Mary, who was out of the office so Dr. K's nurse called me. She said as long as it was brown, I wasn't cramping, and it wasn't painful then this is normal. Of course, I went to the bathroom like 500x after that and nothing. By the time DH and I sat down to dinner, I felt 100x better thinking I had just overreacted. Then that night at 2am, I woke up to pee and the brown had returned. It was not heavy and only there when I wiped (which I wiped about 5x during one sitting). I made DH come look and since he's a pregnancy expert now, he was like that's normal, don't worry.

It continued throughout the day on TH and I tried my best to stay calm and not freak out. Then I called the new OB office to ask if I could get a TB test since I was pregnant and the nurse said, "Since you're not a patient yet, we can't give you medical advice." And then I lost it! At work, tears coming and I couldn't make them stop. I tried calling DH and he didn't answer. About 10 minutes later, he answered so I went outside to talk to him. While I'm sobbing on the phone to him and he's trying to help me get a hold of myself, a co-worker comes out, sees me on the phone and upset but still goes ahead and makes a phone call...really?!? I finally calmed down and luckily, I had acupuncture that afternoon.

When I walked into the acupuncturist office and she asked how I was doing, I lost it and started sobbing, barely able to talk. She then set me up with the needles and I have to admit I felt 100% better afterward. I always go to the bathroom before I leave there and when I did, no more spotting! The spotting had stopped!!!

The next week, I was okay but then suddenly on 10/12, I stopped feeling any symptoms of pregnancy. Well, my boobs are still huge and my uterus hard but other than that, nothing. So then I started freaking out. Then 10/14, I slept in and laid around all morning then I finally got up to pee and brown again! I called the OB and begged and pleaded and was able to move my appointment from Tuesday to Monday but ugh...that's still the WHOLE weekend to go through. And it's a new doctor so I don't want to chit chat, I want to get there, do the u/s and make sure my baby is okay and THEN we can small talk. No point in her getting to know me if things aren't okay, right?

I've googled and googled and most everything says that's fine but then there's one or two posts that say what I fear. Seriously, I've said it before and I'll say it again, this first trimester is like a constant 2ww. I suggest investing in an u/s machine so you can check on your baby daily! Hurry up and come Monday!!!

November 24, 2011
Today is Thanksgiving and I have to write a few things I'm thankful for:

*My beautiful Baby Awesome!
*Dr. K and Dr. Miyagi
*My great support system
*Advances in medicine
*Time with family today

I hope you all have a great Thanksgiving!

Updated 11/24/11 at 7:55AM
This morning I got up, took my prenatal and laid back down. About 45 minutes later, DH and I started to get up to get ready for the big Thanksgiving festivities. He said he was going to make some coffee and I asked if he'd make me some PBJ toast because I could tell my stomach was starting to get upset. He leaves the room and about a minute later, I run to the bathroom and drop to my knees to start praying to the Porcelain Potty. I start calling for DH and he comes in right as I throw up my prenatal. DH makes this awful groaning sound and starts to leave and then he remembers that he's supposed to support me so he reaches over and pats my back without looking. It was freakin' HILARIOUS!!! Even though I had tears in my eyes and my head in the toilet, I was laughing at him. So lesson learned...always eat with your prenatal!

Constant 2ww

October 6, 2011
I apologize now because this post is going to be gross but I want to document every detail. So yesterday, I came to work and everything was fine and dandy until I went to the bathroom. I had spots in my underwear and I wiped there was thick, brown discharge. I calmly wiped until it was gone then found a pad in my purse and put it on. I went to my car and called Dr. Val’s office. It wasn’t until I started to speak that I could hear the tears and panic in my voice. I ended up talking to Dr. K’s nurse who asked me if I’d had sex recently or lifted anything heavy, had I been constipated, etc…I told her I went to the Cards game the night before so I probably stood more than normal and that I’d been back and forth constipated and diarrhea ever since my transfer. She said to increase my fluids and as long as there was no cramping, pain or red blood then it sounded normal and some people spot their whole first trimester. You prego people out there that spot during your pregnancy and never told me? Well, you suck!

I started drinking more water and googling and I did find that this was normal so I felt much better. As the day went on and there was no more when I wiped or on the pad, I began to think maybe I’d freaked out and it wasn’t really discharge. I laid down at 8pm and fell asleep until 10. At 10, I got up and got on the computer for about an hour then headed back to bed. However, my power nap never really let me get into a deep REM. Around 2am, DH got up to get something to drink so I got up to pee and when I wiped: brown. NO!!! It wasn’t thick like that morning, it wasn’t in my panties, it was only there when I wiped. I wiped three more times and it was still there. I went to the kitchen almost in tears and told DH. He wanted to see so I showed him. He told me it was brown and asked if I didn’t understand how my body was going to change during pregnancy. Yes, apparently my husband is now an expert in pregnancy.

I think I *maybe* fell asleep between 3-4am but the rest of the time, I was tossing and turning and getting up to wipe and check. DH finally yelled at me, “You’re going to wipe yourself raw!” I think that’s when I fell asleep.

When I got up in the morning, nothing in the pad but still there when I wipe. I haven’t had any cramps or pain so I figured I was okay, still freaked out, but okay. I do feel like stretching in the uterus but I wouldn’t call it cramps. Then I made the mistake of Googling and found one post out of hundreds that said it was normal, but the one post stuck out to me and now I want to cry. It said she had brown discharge then nothing all day then it came back during the night. No cramping, no pain and she had a m/c. UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My appointment with the regular OB isn’t for another 12 days. I don’t want to keep calling the office but at the same time, I do want peace of mind! I know this could just be Baby B passing but I just want to know that Baby A is still in there doing great. I mean, how do I leave an appointment on Monday being told Baby A is perfect and a good looking baby to two days later freaking out because I am wiping brown??? Man, I thought the 2ww was bad…the whole first trimester is a constant 2ww!!!

OH this day is getting worst! I had to have a TB test for work so I had to call my OB office to see if it was okay. I call and the nurse says, well, you're not a patient yet so I can't give you medical advice. And then the tears came and I couldn't get them to stop...and the only person I have to call is DH and he wasn't answering. I called Mary and left a message and I'm sure I sounded like on the edge of a breakdown. I still can't stop the tears. DH told me to take a sick day and go home but I have stuff going on today. Ugh...I just want to crawl in bed and for this brown shit to go away!

Geez-I might as well have eaten banana oatmeal yesterday and today! Why? Banana oatmeal is my favorite. I ate it one day during camp and said, today is going to be a good day and it was not...not good at all. So now I avoid banana oatmeal.

In case you're Googling, I am 8w3d.

I Graduated!!!

October 3, 2011
It's official! I graduated from the RE and in two weeks I have an appointment with an OB! Today's appointment went well. Baby A AKA Baby Awesome or My Compact 6 was measuring right along at 17mm and a heartbeat of 173. DH couldn't go with me today so she took lots of cool shots, I even got a 3D one! Like a dumb dumb, I was like, "Wow! I can't believe it already looks like a baby!" So now let me introduce to you Baby Awesome, our Compact 6 embryo (we don't know for sure but I have a feeling). Here is her head and arm buds:

Heartbeat...coolest sound in the world!
3D ultrasound and no, my baby does NOT have a horn! Trust me...I asked! That's part of the membrane and we couldn't get it out of the picture. You can even see the umbilical cord that's growing:
This is a side view and mainly to show the umbilical cord:
Unfortunately, Baby B no longer had a heartbeat and wasn't growing. We are sad about B but feel very blessed with what we have.

After u/s, I waited TWO HOURS for Dr. Val! I did get to see Dr. K and I showed her the pics, she said that was one good looking baby! Dr. Val came in and we chatted a bit. Today I am 8w1d prego and my due date is May 13, 2012 which means I'm going to be MEGA prego as a bridesmaid in my friend's wedding 4/28/12-I can't wait! I said my thanks and goodbye to Dr. Val. (FYI-I think she was having a REALLY rough day! Some lady was loudly complaining about her when I walked in then I heard Dr. Val say she got a call in the middle of the night and I'm pretty sure she cancelled her afternoon appointments. Hope you have a better day Dr. Val!). She gave me a sheet to fill out about the birth. Does she really think I'm going to be able to hold on to that for 32 more weeks? Okay, yes, probably but I think the key will be remembering to send it back in once the baby gets here!

On the way home, I called the OB's office that I wanted to go see. I asked if they were still taking new patients and she said yes that one of them was and that the other one, the one I wanted, was taking new patients but it was about 2-3...I'm not sure if she said weeks or months. I calmly said, "I called a few weeks ago and she was taking new patients. I've been told she's worked with IVF patients and that's why I want her." The lady put me on hold and I have an appointment with the doctor I wanted on 10/18-YAH!!!

I know I'm not going to have weekly check-ups any more and that I just need to relax and enjoy this for what it is but I can't help but be nervous and live appointment to appointment. So Baby Awesome, my little Compact 6 Baby, I am so happy and hope you grow and continue to be strong and healthy! We love you so much already!!!

Hanging Out

September 30, 2011
Get to check in on the babies on Monday! Praying and hoping that A is doing fantastic and that B is catching up. I have a busy weekend heading to my hometown for a friend's wedding and lots of good cookin' by my momma so hopefully that'll make the next two days go by fast so I don't fret over the weekend. I have to go by myself on Monday because DH only has 3 sick days/year...just hoping I don't get bad news.

The past two days have been weird! I don't really feel crampy but I do feel like something's going on down there like stretching or something. The idea of my uterus stretching already (at 7 weeks) is crazy because the babies are only 1/8 of an inch long. I worried all the past 2 days what that meant and then today I feel 100% normal and now I'm freaking out I don't feel anything at all!

I tried on 2 dresses from my closet last night for the wedding. When DH got home, I told him I hated both. The one looks like a moo moo and the other makes me look pregnant. He laughed and said, "Well, you ARE pregnant!" I said, "I know but I don't want to look it yet!"

Sweet Bobbie sent me an email the other day (thank GOD I have her and my college roomie Jo to talk to or I'd be going crazy!) asking how it felt to be pregnant. In all honesty, it's weird. I totally don't picture myself as that. I read about these other women on FB that had a tough first trimester and here's me, liking the nausea (which hasn't been that bad) and stretching and just praying and hoping that there's still something going on inside me from appointment to appointment. DH said something that he was going to have his brother come to the house and work off some of the money he owes us because he's got a lot that needs to be done around the house before the babies get here. Again, so weird! I haven't even thought to that yet (might also be because I don't have a due date yet). It's like I'm living from appointment to appointment and wishing my life away between each. Infertility has robbed us of SO much but I never thought it would affect me like this!

So that's how I'm doing and I can't wait until Monday!

My Feet Are Freezing

September 25, 2011
"We're" dog sitting my SIL's dog this weekend. I say "we" because conveniently DH is out of town for the weekend. This dog is a 120 lb rottweiler, super sweet but still a total puppy...that jumps. Keep in mind that we also have a 100 lb black lab and a 60 lb princess puppy (nice way to say mutt). It is kind of stressing me to have them all three here. They had me trapped in the bathroom the other day because when I opened the door, they were all three sitting there. I can't push them out of the way, I'm afraid they'll jump on me and at night, I'm afraid they'll pounce on my belly. Our black lab and the guest dog have been sleeping in the basement only to start barking at 2am. Seriously...

The last week, I'd started feeling nausea in the morning. Only a couple times was it so bad I thought I'd puke. Dr. Val said that was a sign of a healthy pregnancy. Then this weekend, I've only felt the feeling of wanting to vomit a couple times and no major nausea so I'm all freaked out.

With each appointment, I feel like it's a milestone but then I worry. It's hard to believe I'm the "p" word and I'm so scared it's all going to be taken away. Every spare second I have, I pray for the babies. DH has interrupted me a few times and I'll say, "I'm praying!" He's like, "you're ALWAYS praying!" But like my sister told me LONG ago, once you get pregnant you worry about your babies and it doesn't stop when they get here.

It feels weird because I've had co-workers and friends ask when we're going to do the FET. I say oh sometime this fall. They ask what we'll do if/when it works, I try to play it off. I try not to act like I have TOO much info but then I remember...most of these people have never done anything like this so they don't know the difference!

Remember during my fresh cycle, my slip down the stairs? Well, this time around I'm REFUSING to wear socks around the house. It's just fall and my feet are already freezing!!! I probably look silly walking around in sweatpants and a sweatshirt but then have bare feet. DH is getting upset with me because I keep taking my frozen feet and putting them under his legs!

My pee is super yellow and I know I'm not drinking enough water so now I'm chugging it. I do so good at drinking water when I'm working out regularly but when I'm not, I totally fall off the wagon. I could REALLY go for a Sprite or Ginger Ale these days but I'm trying to hold off. Instead, chocolate milk is my splurge drink of choice.

Okay, that's all my random thoughts for now!

Well, There's Definitely Something In There

September 22, 2011
Wow! Today was weird, crazy but overall, I'm going to call it a good day, no an AMAZING day! First off, I stopped by this new bakery to get cupcakes for Dr. Val and staff. The owner there was AMAZING, super sweet, very friendly and I HAVE to go back because I didn't even get to try one. Anyways, after I picked up the cupcakes, DH and I headed down to the clinic.

When I got there, I was told I had to pay my $40 co-pay see we were seeing Dr. Val. When I went to pay it, I found out that I had a $60+ credit on our account-sweet! Then DH and I headed back to the u/s room. My pulse was racing! She asked how many we thought were in there and I said at least 2. She smiled and said that there were two babies. DH and I both let out a sigh of relief.

We started with Baby A, who was on my right. She was measuring at like an 8th of an inch, but you could see her heart beating away like crazy. The coolest part was when we got to listen to the heartbeat and I can't even explain it. I was immediately grinning from ear to ear and when I looked at DH, he was practically laying across me to get closer to the screen. It was AMAZING!!! So now I'd like to introduce you to Baby A:
Here is Baby A and that's the heartbeat going across the screen on the bottom:
She was kind enough to label for us so we'd remember. I said, she kind of looks like a whale. The tech laughed and said, well it's your whale:
Then we got to Baby B and things weren't as good. Baby B was measuring about the same size but we couldn't hear his heartbeat. We could see it flickering across the screen but it matched mine. Baby B also had what the tech called "double bubble trouble." This is the only pic we have of B, I don't think she wanted to give us false hope so we didn't get any more, but in the pics of just that sac, you can see almost like a halo around the sac. I asked what that meant and she said, it wasn't a good sign.
It was crushing to being told you have two babies to within 5 minutes having one but we're ecstatic and not giving up hope on Baby B yet. I asked if we could end on a good note and she went back to Baby A and let us hear the heartbeat again. Again, AMAZING!

We then had to wait an HOUR to see Dr. Val!?! We got there at 10:30 for our u/s and didn't see her until after noon. I was STARVING! I almost went to ask if I could have one of those cupcakes I brought in. I heard Dr. K in the hallway. DH and I passed the time looking at the u/s pics, reading People, reading reviews of the restaurants around the clinic on my I-touch and DH singing, "we're having a boy, we're having a boy!" He also showed me how he'd play the piano and the saxophone and spun this laminated sheet around in circles. To say we were bored, starving and he was about to drive me insane is an understatement.

Dr. Val FINALLY came in carrying a laptop. Apparently, the clinic is going to electronic notes so as she talked to us she typed. I couldn't help but notice that she had man hands (DH agreed with me) and I wondered if she took a typing class...odd, random thoughts I know.

Anyways, she talked to us about Baby B. It was odd because the tech basically made it sound hopeless with Baby B but Dr. Val made it sound like their MIGHT be a chance, a long shot, but a chance. She then informed me that I am 6w4d which is like a week and a half further along than I thought! At 12 weeks, on October 30, I stop taking all my meds. My butt will be so happy because it's sore from all the PIO shots BUT I will gladly take it for our healthy babies. She said she wanted to see me one more time to see how both A and B were doing and then I'd be released to a regular OB.

We then briefly talked about discarding DH's sperm and I thought she was going to lecture us but instead, she was very nice about it. Overall, I was very pleased with the Dr. Val we saw today and she was very happy about the cupcakes. After we left the clinic, DH took the LONGEST way to get to lunch which ironically enough he picked and it was the same place we went after our very first visit with Dr. Val in April 2010.

So overall, today was AMAZING and we just have to keep on doing what we're doing and praying for both babies to grow, grow, grow! I go back on 10/3 for the next u/s for hopefully another amazing day. FYI-10/3 is when I started posting all my FET posts.

Night Before U/S

September 21, 2011
Well, tomorrow we get to have an u/s. I'm excited for it (and no needles tomorrow either!) but based on my calculations (which I've done over and over and over), I think I'm only on week 5 it'll be too early to hear heartbeats but hopefully we'll find out how many are cooking in there. I'm not so excited about having to meet with Dr. Val tomorrow as I'm sure she's going to lecture us on our decision to discard DH's sperm. Luckily, DH will be with me so hopefully he can keep me from saying something I shouldn't.

I think I had my first wave of morning sickness today. The past couple weeks, my stomach has been upset and a little queasy but nothing unbearable or anything that would keep me from eating. This morning though, I was laying in bed and felt the full on I'm going to vomit feeling. I knew I didn't have anything to vomit though as it was 7am and I hadn't had breakfast yet. I tried to will it away and when it wouldn't, I sat on the floor and Emma gave me kisses. It eventually passed but ugh, that was no fun. However, I will gladly take it for what's in exchange.

I called about to ob's last week. Found one that I liked but, as most obs are, they only handle singleton and twins. If we've got trips cooking then we'd have to go to a high risk pregnancy doctor. So we'll find out tomorrow what's going on in that department.

I really want to be at a place where I feel okay to be "p," confident to say it and not constantly worry. Every free moment I have, I say a prayer for the babies that they're okay and strong and growing. I'm not sure I'll feel that way until I see and hear heartbeats which hopefully will be very soon!

Rainy Day

September 14, 2011 10:28AM
I woke up about 3am today to a nasty storm rolling through. After that I pretty much tossed and turned the rest of the morning until PIO and med time. It was still gross and rainy when I left to the head to the clinic for beta #2. Again because of traffic and rain, it took almost an hour to get there. I walked in and had to wait then got to go get my blood drawn. The lady who drew it asked what my beta was last week and I told her. She was like, that's a great number!!! FINALLY, a medical professional telling me it was good. When I left, I walked out and saw Dr. K talking to a husband in the waiting room. She must be doing ERs this morning. I waited for her to finish and gave a big smile when I saw her. I told her that she emailed me last week when I got my beta and I saw her today. We chatted about everything from my beta to how I was feeling to cookies to the conference and even to how cute Dr. Miyagi is! It was a nice feeling to have leaving the office. Now I'm home and I just wait and pray that my beta today had doubled or quadrupled or whatever it was supposed to do. I'm going to curl up on the couch with Emma and *patiently* wait...

12:05PM
Mary called and beta #2 is in...14,694 at 19dp5dt!!! She said that was good, she'd let me know if I needed to worry. I asked her to repeat the number so I could write it down and Mary said, "I figured you'd want that info." Am I the only person that writes that stuff down??? Another nurse is calling me this afternoon to set up my OB appointment either late next week or early the next. After the u/s, I have to meet with Dr. Val and if all looks good then I get released to a regular OB. Now I'm on the search for one since I broke up with mine two years ago. Reading this website, I'm definitely thinking there's for sure two babies in there, maybe three. DH is going to FREAK!!! I think I'll wait until the u/s to confirm, no use worry him until then.

How freakin' exciting ya'll!!! Okay, gotta eat lunch, this lady is starving and go pick up more meds!!!

2:51PM
Transvag u/s next Thursday, September 22 and then a meeting with Dr. Val. Showed DH the beta chart and he's all freakin' out. I laughed at him and he told me, it's not funny! Guess we'll find out next week!

Just Waitin' for Beta #2

September 12, 2011
Not much to report, just been trying to take it easy and not freak out over every little thing. I've been super tired lately, primarily because of the season change and my sinuses. I've been a little crampy the past two days. I don't mind the feeling bad stuff, I'll gladly take it for what we're getting in return but with every little cramp or thicker discharge, I panic that something's wrong. I still find it hard to admit that I'm the P word, not sure I'll really believe it until we see those heartbeats and that's aways away.

OH! DH had to work this past weekend at 6am both days so I had to do my PIO shots by myself. I got smart instead of doing them in the leg, I stood up and used the full length mirror in our bedroom. Yes, our closet doors are mirrors and no, we did not put them in. It was MUCH better and hardly hurt at all!

Had acupuncture today, it was sweet because the doctor was really excited to see me. She told me that she'd told the other doctor that she saw me scheduled so she thought that was good news. I'm trying to figure out what I can and can't eat and man, that's tougher than you think! No deli meats, no canned foods, no to certain cheeses...at least ice cream is still on the list! :) I'm beginning to think about how we'll tell people but I try not to get too excited about it because as Dr. Val told me, we have a lot of steps to get through first. The next being my second beta on Wednesday. UGH! If I was a hot mess LAST Wednesday, I'm going to be even MORE of a hot mess this week. I just pray that my babies are safe and sound and growing and doubling like they're supposed to.

Killin' My Buzz

September 8, 2011
You know who's a buzzkill? Dr. Val. Yep, only seen the woman twice in my life, the last time we talked was in December about my failed IVF cycle and then the day after I got a positive, she calls me and is...herself.

First off, I was sitting at work enjoying a piece of ice cream cake when my work phone rings. I recognized the number and my heart sank. Why in the world were they calling? Did they have things mixed-up the day before? I slowly answer and this condescending voice comes on the phone, "Aaaa (drawing out my name), this is Karen from Dr. Val's office. You were supposed to come in for blood work this morning."
Me: I was told to come in next Wednesday the 14th.
Karen: Oh well let me check.
Pause and my head and heart are racing, was I supposed to come in today? I know I was a little out of it after I heard the good news but I swear she said the 14th.
Karen: Oh, you're right, looks like they just scheduled you on the wrong day. So we'll see you next Wednesday and you know you can come as early as 7:30-
Me (interrupting): And no later than 10.
Karen: That's right!
Me: See I WAS paying attention yesterday.
Karen: Yes you were. Now, Dr. Val would like to talk to you.

Long wait while she gets her and I'm thinking Dr. Val just wants to talk to me about from here on and oh I don't know, be a little happy for us. Nope, she gets on the phone and basically is lecturing me on our decision to discard DH's sperm. Here's the part that REALLY pissed me off, "Yes, we (apparently she's part of my marriage now?) are pregnant but there's still a lot of steps we need to get through. If I were you, I'd keep the sperm until you have a baby in your arms." REALLY? First off, my husband and I made that decision BEFORE we know how this FET would turn out. YOUR lab told us that when thawed, it wasn't viable and that fresh is best. Her concern is what if DH's count continues to go down and then he doesn't have anything. So she's going to hold on it and we'll discuss when I come in for the first ultrasound. I was LIVID when I got off the phone! I was at my desk so I couldn't really talk much about it. Then at the end of the conversation she said, "so how ya feeling? You doing okay?" I quickly said yes and tried to get off the phone. Seriously? She's cray cray and majorly killin' my buzz.

I know to be excited but cautious. Now that phone call has me even more concerned. I hate wishing time away but I wish next week would get here so I could make sure my babies are okay!

How It Went Down

September 7, 2011
Okay, okay so what happened? Well, a nurse (not Mary the normal nurse) finally calls at almost 2pm and it didn't show up as unknown, it was an actual number. Anyways, she goes on to say, "We have your test results and they are definitely positive." I was like OMG! Then she talked away about coming in for the next beta but I was up walking around the house not really sure what I was doing. I walked to the computer room but was like, what am I doing in here, then I walked in the bedroom and again asked what was I doing in there. I had to ask twice what my beta number was (764) and I asked if she thought it was multiples or not. She said she had no idea but come back next week for beta #2. The end.

I promptly hung up and called the pharmacy to refill my PIO and headed straight there. I love the guys there and we chatted about running and such then I left and stopped at the bakery. I was really hoping for a bun of some sort and I lucked out when I saw that they had sticky buns. I got one and wrote this on the outside of the bag (if you can't read it, it says, "We've got a bun(s) in the oven!"Sorry for the poor photos, I was doing this on the fly and I hadn't told ANYONE yet so I was a little shaky too. I was going to put it in DH's truck at work but I was worried that it would be gross in the sun. So I put it on the kitchen table so that he'd see it as soon as he came in the door.

In the meantime, I chatted with Jo, my old college roommate who has triplets from FET and obsessed over this website about my beta number. And, of course, for the first time all day I felt crampy so I got nervous. DH FINALLY got home and I was in the living room sitting on the couch. When I heard him pull up, I turned off the tv and waited for him to come home. I heard him moving the bag around and then I heard him get the bun out and he walked into the living room. I was grinning and he chomped on the bun and said, "So what'd they say?" I laughed and said, "We have a bun, or buns, in the oven!" He nodded and held up the bun, "I got that!" Then we hugged and laughed and I filled him in on everything. When we finished, he said, "So when can we start telling people?" Men! I told him not for a long time until we get through all these first few appointments and stuff.

We then headed to dinner at Olive Garden (romantic, huh? I thought I had a gift card which I did but it didn't have any money on it-oops!). When I got back, I had an email from Bobbi saying she thought I had triplets cooking. So I'm REALLY excited but being cautious. If I was careful before, I'm going to be even MORE careful now!!! So that's the story of how it all went down the day I got a BFP!

Survey Says...

September 7, 2011
Well, I went in for my blood draw this morning. I hit MAJOR traffic on the way there but had some good tunes to listen to on the way there alternating between stations. I wasn't a bit nervous on the way there or while I was there or really on the way home. It took all of about 5 minutes once I got there and it would have been faster but the nurse had to dig around for a vein. On my way home, I saw the building numbered 777 which to me means it's September 7 and that's 777 for the three tots we transferred.

I was debating stopping to get a HPT to take while waiting for the phone call but I talked myself out of it. I don't know, I just don't feel pregnant and after getting a bad phone call last time, that's just what I'm expecting today too. About 11:30am, I checked my email and Dr. K emailed me back about speaking at the MIA conference. When I went for my beta last time, I saw her in the elevator and spoke to her before my blood was drawn.

Did I mention that DH forgot his phone at home today so I can't even call him when I find out? I'm trying to see that as a sign that I won't get a bad phone call so I won't have to call him all a hot mess. I'm hoping that Mary calls before one, so here's to anxiously waiting...

1:36PM-Still no call from Mary but I did go in about an hour later than I did last time. I didn't eat lunch in case I got upset, I didn't want to barf and now I'm STARVING! Hurry up and call!!! And even though I feel like total crap (sinus stuff and itchy from poison ivy), I still have on my regular clothes AKA no pjs because when she calls, if it's good I have to go get more meds so I'm thinking positively.

1:55PM-Phone call, not Mary but another nurse from the office AND....BETA 764!!!!!!!!!! (I made that bold for those of you that just skimmed to the end!). This is 12dpt or 17 dpo.

OMG! Can you freakin' believe it???? Okay, I have to go get more meds and try to hunt down DH to tell him!!! More to post tomorrow.

PS
Due to the break in posts, I will be double posting for the next few days.

Sorry for the delay in getting to the results! One, I wanted to keep making sure everything was okay and two, I wanted to make sure we'd told our families and works first. As of now, we haven't told DH's family yet because our plans for dinner with them keep falling through. Hopefully we'll tell them tonight! So please don't tweet or FB me yet!

'Twas the Night Before

September 6, 2011
Well, it's the night before the big beta and I'm sick as a dog. Sinus junk from crazy MO weather and poison ivy from DH taking our black lab dove hunting. I'm a sneezin', itchin' fool. The good news about that is that I'm going to take a shower and head to bed so no waiting and freaking out tonight.

I had an acupuncture appointment today and I was all sorts of out of wack, all of my levels with split. She compared it to a pregnant woman and she said it looked like hers were split too so that was a good sign BUT then at the end of the appointment, she said why don't you wait until after tomorrow to see if you need to schedule another appointment. So then I was freaking out the whole way home thinking she was lying to me about the split thing!

At this point, I feel like I'm Dr. Val's favorite...50-50. I don't 100% feel the same way I did after my last IVF but I don't really feel pregnant either. I really have NO CLUE how tomorrow's going to go. Driving home from acupuncture, the DJ was playing a game and said it was a 50-50 chance and I immediately thought of Dr. Val. I guessed the answer right, the caller did not. The DJ said, well you were on the wrong side of 50 but I wasn't!!! So hopefully I'll be on the positive side of it tomorrow! Here goes nothing...one blood draw!!!

Three Days to Go

September 5, 2011
Well, my aunt passed away this morning. Luckily, I did get to talk to her a couple times on the phone this past week. It's not the same as getting to see her but at least I did get to talk to her. No word on when the arrangements will be yet so depending on that and how the beta goes on Wednesday, I may or may not be at the funeral.

Lovely Missouri weather has gone from 100+ degrees to complete fall weather in a matter of days so my sinuses have been killing me. I wake up with a sore throat and lots of snot but I can't take any meds for it. Then this morning, I woke up to poison ivy all over my legs from our black lab. DH took him dove hunting on Friday night but did not give him a bath before we crawled in bed with us. I've spent today washing our sheets, putting patches of oatmeal on the rash (in which the dogs try to lick it off) and dabbing the rash with the Benadryl Itch Stick.

The pressure "down there" or something wanting to come out has passed and I'm not sure, it could have all been in my mind on Friday. DH thinks it worked because things are different this time, only time will tell. I know tomorrow is going to be the LONGEST day at work EVER. My work is "closed" this week for cleaning and maintenance. Contrary to what our members believe, we don't get the week off, we're the ones doing the cleaning and maintenance. I'm a little worried because there's lots of moving, painting and chemicals so I'm going to have to do my best to avoid all of that. Since we don't have customers, the days go by super slow too. More power to the painters in the world out there because there's no way I could do that for 8 hours a day EVERY day.

I've decided against cheating and POAS although I keep going back to the idea. At this point, I just have tomorrow, then the blood draw then its time to sit around nervously and await the "phone call." I know this is past time but please say prayers for us the next couple days!!!

MIA Conference

I know, I know...get on to the results, right? I'm sorry but yesterday we had the Inaugural MIA Conference and it was too amazing to not blog about it right away.

When we headed to the conference, we had almost 160 people register and ended up with about 130 that actually showed up! There were a few hiccups but after discussing it at dinner after the conference and ALL day today with my mom, I'm going to focus on the positives rather than the negatives. You can't please everyone and in the end, we reached so many people going through the crazy infertility journey that it's just so OVERWHELMING! One couple came up to all three of us after the conference, not knowing any of us, and both the husband and wife gave us big hugs and thanked us...that my friends, it what it was all about!
Dr. K spoke on egg donation and Dr. Miyagi (the fellow) attended the entire conference. I FINALLY got to meet him! He was my inside guy & gave me feedback throughout the afternoon. Even though I hadn't met him, only dealt with him the night of the missed meds & tweeted him 5 million ?s (which he always answers), I felt like we were good buddies. At the end of the conference, he came to me and said, "I really like male infertility..." and I said, "Well I don't!" He laughed and nodded that he knew that but made a great suggestion that he could lead a discussion next year on male infertility for all the husbands or something along those lines.

I'm so glad they were both able to attend and support us. I'm hoping that maybe I can work with them to get more patient to patient support at my/their clinic.
During the general session, I saw this husband reach over and grab his wife's hand. I almost cried because really, the most important thing during your infertility journey is support.
We raffled off a FREE IVF CYCLE! Yes, you heard me right a FREE CYCLE! This was the couple that won, well, actually we drew the husband's name so HE won. They were stunned, shocked, grateful, amazed...I could go on. I was (again!) almost crying because you could just see how grateful they were. Dr. S, who donated the cycle, didn't bring a gift certificate or anything so he just wrote them an IOU note!
So, overall, MIA conference year 1-done! I'm so exhausted but it was soooo worth it. Thanks to everyone who attended and supported this!

Playing the Guessing Game

September 2, 2011
Today has been a VERY rough day for me. Last night, I heard the 8th pregnancy announcement in two weeks. Going on 2 years TTC, I'm kind of over announcements, they don't really bother me but last night's sent me over the edge. Probably because I'm figuring that either A. this girl was drinking while pregnant (I saw her 5 weeks ago drinking) or B. she's JUST pregnant and telling everyone. I emailed Bobbi last night asking her opinion about POAS. As of today I'm 7dp5dt. DH is 100% against it, I kind of want to cheat this time. I woke up this morning to a sweet email from Bobbi and feeling much better.

I headed to work and ended up having a little tummy troubles. But once it passed, I no longer felt gross, gasey or farty like I had been all week. I left work and was immediately down because it felt like something was "down there" wanting to come out, like it was my period about ready to come. This happened last time during our fresh cycle. When I wipe though nothing is there. My lower belly also feels like stuff's just hanging out there, ready to come out. Sorry to be so graphic, don't know how else to explain it. I looked at my calendar and sure enough, I'm on CD 29.

So what do I do? I go back and read my posts from December during the 2ww from our fresh cycle and agree that's how I feel. Then I noticed a couple people's comments to check out this website: http://www.twoweekwait.com/ I got on the computer and I started to feel better. No one mentioned the feeling that your period wants to come out but I had a bunch of the other symptoms. Here they are, take them for what they're worth because we all know it could just be the meds or it could just be all in my mind:

• Super sore boobs! I'm so thankful for a good bra but they second it comes off-ow! And they feel heavy...not sure they're any bigger because my regular bra still fits.
  


• Off and on crampy since transfer but I chalked most of it up to tummy troubles.
  


• Definite diarrhea/constipation-it alternates.


• Thirsty. Usually I can swallow pills without water, especially smaller ones like my estradiol, but lately I haven't even been able to do that.
  


• Tired and even though I've been resting, I haven't had trouble falling asleep at all.


• Peeing...like every 5 minutes. Seriously, I pee and lay down and I can feel the urge to pee again.
  


• Lower ab (between pelvic bones maybe, I'm awful at anatomy) feels tight and hard, I noticed this in the shower and asked DH but he denied it.
  


• Weird dreams


• Tempature was 98.2 and if I remember correctly I think I normally run about 97 (but again, I have no record of my normal temperature so I could just be making that up).


• Pressure "down there"


• Sore throat/sinus drainage (probably from this horrible MO weather change)

Okay, so now that I list it all out and read that website I do feel better. The only thing that really worries me is the pressure down there, like AF is coming, because that's exactly what I felt last time. UGH! So I really have NO IDEA!

I'm afraid to POAS because if it's negative, I don't want to get upset and stressed out if it really is positive and not showing yet. If it positive, I'm not sure I'll believe it. So basically, five more days of waiting...this might kill me!

Forgetful

August 31, 2011
Fertility meds make me forgetful. I was halfway to work and realized I forgot to brush my teeth. I can't even remember the last time I forgot to brush my teeth...ew!!!

It also made DH forgetful. He asked that I set the alarm for 5am. I did so and it went off then he glanced over at the clock and jumped out of bed, "Babe! We have to do the shot!" I said no dear, remember our clock is an hour fast. He then went to get some coffee to wake up.

Seriously, my stomach has been tore up this week and it's not fun. I told DH and he said, well, it's because you're pregnant because that didn't happen last time. Let's hope he's right ladies!

What a Day...

August 30, 2011 11:00AM
Probably more than you wanted to know but my bowels have been all over the place! Sunday I had diarrhea and I figured that was just from nerves and eating. Then the past two days I've been constipated. When I did the fresh cycle, they warned me about being constipated but they didn't say anything this time. I took it upon myself to purchase fiber bars and add some apple juice into my diet. No clue if it's just me or the meds or what!

12:30PM
Yesterday I was sitting at my desk when the overwhelming smell of chemicals starting seeping into the room. I asked the maintenance guy what he sprayed in which, as he always does, he starts to go off about how he'll spray whatever he wants and he'll spray it every day blah blah blah. I calmly got up, left the office and walked around the building. When I got back, I asked a co-worker what exactly she said. When she finished telling me, I could feel my blood pressure rising when I told her, well if he wants to give me $5 grand for my fertility treatments then he can spray all the chemicals he wants but in the mean time, BACK OFF! Geesh!

7:30PM
My aunt has been really sick but it’s finally coming to an end. My sister wanted me to go visit her last weekend but we had the transfer so I just played it off as we were busy. Tonight my mom called and said if she made it through the night, they were going to put her on hospice in the morning. In the voicemail, she told me I really needed to come down. I talked to DH and we both agreed that in the effort to not get stressed, it would be best if I did not go. As though that decision wasn’t hard enough, we knew the only way to not go was to tell my family what we were doing which is exactly what we did NOT want to do. I headed to the bedroom and called my mom then my sister then my dad. I explained to them all that we were in the middle of fertility treatments and that, yes I was being selfish, but we thought it was the best interest to not come. Seriously, I get SO emotional at funerals whether I know the person very well or not. At DH’s grandpa’s funeral, I cried like a little baby and I’d only met the man once. They all understood and my dad tried to reassure me it wasn’t selfish, that it was DH and I’s future and we had to do what was best for us.

Now before you start thinking how cold hearted I am, let me give you some info about this relationship. Growing up, I was super tight with my aunt and my cousins. In 2002, my grandma passed away, lines were drawn and the relationships kind of frozen. I always talked to my cousins and such but we no longer saw each other on a regular basis, heck we didn’t even see each other every year! In the past 2 years, I’ve been down there twice to visit. My uncle died the day after my wedding so I didn’t get to make it to his funeral because we were leaving on our honeymoon.

I feel really bad about not going down there but I know I’d be an emotional mess. I’m an adult though and I have to realize that I have to make the best decision for me and my family, not what everyone else wants me to do or expects me to do. I love you Aunt Gee and I’ll always remember the good times together!

So whew! What a day!!!

Acupuncture Post ET

August 29, 2011
I forgot to say I also went to acupuncture today. My stress was back in check but my digestive system wasn't. This makes sense because my stomach was a hot mess all weekend. Half the cramping I'm feeling is probably just gas!

Updated November 7, 2012
To answer Slynn's question about what is an acuscan: They take this Q-tip like thing and put it on different points of your body i.e. feet, ankles, hands, wrists, etc...Then it gives them a screening of what meridians are out of whack and need to be focused on. It helps them determine what formations to use with the needles.

Back to Work

August 29, 2011
Back to work today…I woke up not feeling anything so I got disappointed. My boobs are still sore from PIO as are my hips, it kills me to sit too long. It’s like I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t…I want to feel cramping because I know something’s going on but at the same time, I don’t because I don’t want it to be Flo coming. I emailed Bobbi to ask if she “felt” pregnant at all during the 2ww. At talking to her, Googling and freaking out, my conclusion: it’s a crap shoot and I just have to wait.

Last night was the VMAs and I’m SO over Beyonce already. Seriously? That belly rub was a slap in the face and then it was all over the ‘net this morning. I’m also REALLY missing you guys. I want to ask questions pick your brains and have your support but it’s my choice to keep things quiet so this is what I have to deal with.

I think part of my bad attitude was that once, ONLY ONCE, when I wiped yesterday was very minimal, little discharge…like so little that you wouldn’t even notice if you weren’t looking for it. Last time, I had a big glop of discharge in one wipe so that’s kind of freaking me out. Then I woke up this morning and no cramps, nothing. Around lunch time, I could feel minimal cramps but again, is this all just in my head?

Ladies, you don’t understand (well actually probably most of you do), I REALLY want this to work. If it doesn’t, I don’t know where we’ll go from here, whether we start over or say we’re done or what. I worry that we just spent a ton of money and there’s more to the problem than we thought but ugh…not going there, staying positive! This IS going to work!!! Only nine more days until beta…

Day 3 Bedrest

August 28, 2011
Not much to say here today...slept in, watched "Rumor Has It" while I cuddled with the princess pup and the black lab and DH went out to the park. Stomach is TORE up today, I think the nerves and food I've been eating is catching up with me. You never realize how much you clench your stomach muscles until you try not to.

Blah Blah Bedrest

August 27, 2011
You know how great and fantastic is sounds when you're told to take it easy for three days? Well, after about one day of bumming around, I'm ready to being doing something! I made it through the first night after transfer although I slept like CRAP. You never realize how much you tighten your ab muscles until you're trying not to plus I'm paranoid about laying on my stomach so yeah, I basically tossed and turned all night. The alarm went off at 6am for the PIO and other meds so we woke up for that and then headed back to sleep.

Luckily at 9:30am, I had a conference call for MIA. It was nice to chat with the girls and we're all really about the conference (that happened a few days ago). When we finally got off the phone a little before 11am, DH was STILL sleeping! I headed to the Man Cave (the only place in the house with a DVD player since my laptop crashed) and started my Twilight marathon. I had left my phone upstairs and the alarm going off for my noon estrace pill which was a good thing because DH FINALLY got up. He came downstairs and watched the end of the movie with me. But then he started complaining about how bored he was and this and that and TOTALLY started stressing me out. I went upstairs to work on the computer some in which he followed me upstairs and he insisted on playing the TV as loud as he could. I informed he that he was majorly stressing me so please go get out of the house!

After he left, I left to start New Moon. He came home towards the end of the movie and started dinner. Delicious hamburgers, tater tots and a dill pickle-yum! Then we got in a heated discussion about violating each other's privacy which I won't rehash but I did my best to lay back and let things roll although had it not been the day after transfer, the $*** would've hit the fan. Are you catching on to a theme here? That DH doesn't understand how he stresses me out??? He went out with his friend after dinner. I decided I'd had too much fun at the house and decided to venture out but not without a shower first because I was beginning to smell my own funk.

I showered, drove to the bank to deposit money, return some movies and then hit up Dairy Queen for a French Silk Blizzard-yum! Then the pups and I settled in for Eclipse. Can I just say that I've had enough bad acting for an entire years since I've watched all three Twilight movies in one day? I'm REALLY hoping they don't butcher "Hungry Games" with bad acting too.

Okay, so I'm sure you don't all really care about my lamo boring day. How am I feeling? Off and on, here and there crampy but nothing horrible. I'm trying not to inspect the TP every time I go to the potty although I do feel ewey and gooey (sorry-just being honest!). And every now and then, I do get extremely hot but that could just be from being under the blanket with a 100 lb black lab on your feet. My boobs feel HUGE and a bit sore but I'm sure that's PIO and my butt hurts where I've been getting the PIO shots. That's about it for now! Just trying to stay busy because when I'm not is when I get stressed and we don't want that. So babies, I hope you're happy and healthy in there and growing and hatching and doing your thing!

Meet Our Tots!

August 26, 2011
Meet our three tots that we transferred:

The two tots on the left are already started to hatch as Dr. K said! When she left the room, I was so excited and DH looked at me and said, "We're not having snakes here!" Ever since we got the tot report back in December, the "compact 6" tot stuck out in my mind so I had to ask which one he was. Yes, I kept saying he...is that a sign? Well the top left is my Compact 6 and the bottom left was an Uneven Eight. While in the room, we agreed to transfer all three. After we signed the forms, DH looked at me and said, "If we have three kids..."

When we got into the transfer room, Dr. K came out and said, "You know, we could just transfer 2 and freeze one." I know this is the option that DH preferred but I tried to explain it as best I could. I kept asking, "Does that make sense?" I was considered that the tot on the upper right wouldn't make it since it wasn't hatching yet but, of course, I had this huge roundabout way to explain it. Dr. K checked with the lab and said they probably wouldn't refreeze that one so "we" AKA me, again agreed to transfer all three.

So there you have it...my three tots that have been transferred into me! They are a day 5 transfer so now I go back on 9/7 and get some good news that they're growing, growing, growing!!!

The Transfer

August 26, 2011 10:09PM
Well, it's about 9 hours after the transfer and everything went GREAT!

We got to the clinic right on time but had to wait. I'm sorry but you don't tell a girl to fill her bladder then make her wait. PLUS there were two patients in the waiting room with their kids. I hope one day that's me in a waiting room with my kids but when my stress level is already through the roof and dad is asking the son if he wants to go poopy on the potty and mom has her Iphone out to take a picture of him in a chair (uh...do they not have chairs at home?), well my friends, that does NOT help my stress at all.

Anyways, we finally got called back and I had the same room as I did for my fresh transfer. This was fine because it has a journal in there where ladies can write in while they wait which is encouraging and passes the time. DH and I both got changed and I sat criss-cross-applesauce waiting for the doctor. Much to my surprise...Dr. K walked in!!! She did my ER and I absolutely LOVE her. I'd been trying to get ahold of her to talk at the MIA Conference so we chatted about that for awhile then got down to business. She showed us pics of tots (see next post) and we discussed how many to transfer (again...see next post).

She asked if my bladder was okay, if I was miserable which LAST time, I begged to just let a little out and they refused. I was 100x better than last time so I said I was good and she left to change into scrubs. Before she left, I pointed out the cookies and seriously, she shrieked she was so excited and then she squealed when she looked at them. DH laughed and when she left, I said, "See it WAS a good idea!"

Then I headed into the transfer room but before we got started, we discussed again how many to transfer (next post). Then we FINALLY got started. We chatted about last time i.e. my bladder, how hot I was, etc...then she asked what I was doing to relax and I told her about the Twilight Marathon. We discussed that and then talked about Hunger Games. She said we must read the same "People" because we had all the same gossip.

Note to self: Ask for the long speculums. Every time they use the basic ones and every time they have to pull them out and get longer ones. Other than that, all went well. It took her a bit to get the exact spot but then we were good to go. The lab tech came in and our tots shot across the screen. She did warn me that I may spot some because when she was cleaning she hit the cervix but to NOT be alarmed. It was so fast and easy and laid back this time, much different than last time.

Then they wheeled me to my room and I laid on my back for 30 minutes. The first 15, I tried to doze off but I couldn't. The second 15, I got out my I-touch and listened to some tunes. The nurse came in to tell me I could get up and I told her good because my bladder was FULL. She cleared me to go but would you believe that DH had gotten up to go right before she came in so I had to WAIT ON HIM!!! Silly boy! I swear I peed for like 15 minutes.

We got our instructions and actually go in two days earlier than I thought for the beta test which is good...less time to wait. When we got to the car, I called to refill my estrace then DH and I both decided we were STARVING. We stopped at Bandana's for lunch even though we had dinner in the crockpot at home. All I'd had to eat all day was that PB on bread and water and I don't think DH had eaten anything. We scarfed down our dinners, got the meds and I took a nice long nap with Emma.

When I woke up, I went to turn on my brand new laptop (as in purchased 3 weeks ago) and it was dead! :( DH and I watched "Lincoln Lawyer" and then I FINALLY sat down to write this post before I forgot the details. And that my friend is the story of my FET and how my tots got placed inside me. Now 2ww...hurry up!

Update November 1, 2011
So I have been reading all your comments and I apologize about the prolonged wait. If you haven't caught on, I like to document every, single little detail! I didn't want to start posting until I was ready to. I promise only a 2ww left for you all, until then....happy reading! ;)

The Morning of the FET

August 26, 2011 10:30 AM
Well, the day is here and can I just say that I'm a hot, nervous mess? I don't know what's up with me but I'm so freakin' nervous!!! I know I need to calm down and believe me, I'm trying but it's just not working. I woke up seriously about 6 times having to pee last night. I think it was a flash back to the ET last December when I had the overactive bladder going on.

DH and I got up at 6am so I could pop all my meds and he could shoot me in the butt with PIO. Luckily, today is the last day for Medrol. Since I have to cut it in half, it tastes AWFUL. We then went back to bed for a couple hours since this is the first time in forever that we could sleep in...minus the 6am wake-up call for meds.

I got up about 8:30 and was going to make muffins only to realize that the muffin mix expired in October 2010. Okay...cinnamon toast...no butter. So I ended up having PB and bread with a glass of milk...not super delicious but it would do because like I said, I was a ball of nerves. I started to get dressed and DH walked in the room and I almost broke out in tears. He was trying to calm me down telling me everything was okay and this afternoon I'd be pregnant but for some reason I just couldn't calm down.

I decided to take Emma for a walk which was nice and calming. I thought I was going to be pressed for time so we only did a short loop. I finished getting ready and left to run my last couple errands. First stop Blockbuster:
I plan on relaxing with a Twilight movie marathon this weekend and I figured DH would like "Lincoln Lawyer" so I grabbed that for him. I was kind of bummed because apparently Blockbuster just got sold so they aren't accepting gift cards. Oh well, it was only $4.97 for 3 DVDs. Then I stopped by DH's chiro to see if they'd donate something for the MIA conference, only to find out they were closed on Fridays.

So now I have an hour before we have to leave and I'm just trying to distract myself. I'm dressed and ready to go. I need to write on the cookie box and throw dinner in the crockpot but that will take about 10 minutes total.

I think I'm so nervous because I'm scared that we're going to be on our way there and they'll call and give us bad news (I don't even want to type it!). Plus I really have NO idea where we'll go from here. I'm also REALLY nervous because during the fresh cycle, someone was down "there" every other day for almost 2-3 weeks. Prior to all this infertility stuff, I would stress myself for about a week to go see my regular OB because of being down "there." I tend not to be able to relax. Well this time around, I had good 'ole wandie last week and that's it. I'm just hoping everything goes smoothly with this transfer so I'm going to have to just suck it up and R-E-L-A-X!!!

OH and have I mentioned that I feel like it's going to be REALLY cold when they transfer them since they've been frozen? I know I'm silly! Okay, I'm not sure this post even makes senses so I'm going to stop now and get the crockpot going. Will post again post-ET! Cross your fingers!!!

PS
Rabbit, rabbit!