Wednesday, November 30, 2011


November 19, 2011
So this past week, we finally started telling people. Most people were THRILLED and couldn't be more happy for us. Telling DH's family was a major cluster as everything is with his family. His mom was excited. Then we went to see his dad and he read the little book I'd made and said, "Okay, she's pregnant, I get it." DH asked his brother if he was ready to be an uncle to which his brother replied, "For real? With A?" Umm...I don't think DH is running around behind my back doing IVF with another woman because we all know if he's sleeping around, he doesn't have to worry about knocking anyone up. We tried multiple times to call his sister and she never answered. His mom emailed me and said that my FIL told her and she's really excited. Yet she hasn't called DH or I either one.

This all went down last Thursday so as we were on the way home, I told DH not to slam on the brakes which started a WHOLE drama of everything getting blown out of whack. I had to work Friday night and DH stopped by. We hadn't talked since Thursday night. The only reason he stopped by to "apologize" was so that he could go out of town with his friends without a guilty conscience. There's a WHOLE plethora of reasons why I'm upset he left town that I won't get into other than to sum up that DH has ZERO time management skills and ZERO money skills. So since Thursday, I've been off and on weepy and upset and alone.

Saturday morning, I wake up and I'm still upset. My mom tells me I need to tell my cousins (these are the cousins that I didn't go to their mom's funeral because it was during my 2ww and my first beta was actually that day). I sent them both a FB message and here's what I said:

"Hey girls! Hope you're doing well. I wanted to apologize for not coming to Aunt G's funeral although I think she was with me that day. We were in the middle of fertility treatments and now I'm currently 14 weeks pregnant! I love you all very much!"

To which my cousin, W, writes back:

"Honestly, I was extremely hurt that u didn't come. This has been a tremendous heartache for us. And everyday is a struggle. I was happy to see your dad, sister and niece though. Congrats."

To which I immediately felt like shit and started SOBBING! Oh, did I mention I'm alone and can't talk to my husband because he's in the woods "hunting" (AKA drinking beer and partying with friends). Let me again recount that this cousin has three children by three different men, she didn't come to my wedding and I haven't seen her in...I can't even remember how long it's been. I made a selfish decision that I felt was right for my family and I stand by it. If I had to do it all over again, I would have. I wrote back and simply said, "I'll let them know." I emailed my dad, sis and mom and asked them to not speak to these cousins about me in the future.

So am I stressed? Umm...majorly! I know, I'm not supposed to be and I'm trying not to but it's not working! Maybe this is payback for me telling my co-worker the other day that I haven't really been emotional. Okay, I'm going to go take a semi-hot shower and nap. Hopefully, that'll make me feel better!


Jos said...

Hmm.... a couple of things.

First off, I totally get your frustration with your hubby. Mine is the exact same way, and it definitely gets tiring to be the naysayer all the time when it comes to time and money management... like "Fine, go to ____ with your buddies, but you CANNOT drop another $40 for wings & beer at lunch b/c we DO NOT have the money." Ugh. I know we're still catching up on your posts, but I'm sorry you spent that weekend "weepy and upset and alone." I've been there, and it blows.

As far as your cousins go, please don't take this wrong, but hear me out...

You are looking at it from the point of an IFer. How can you not?You know the stress you were under, and you know you made the right decision for you and your family based on the stress you were under at the time. (KUDOS to you for that!).

That being said, It doesn't MATTER that your cousin got pregnant easily and has 3 kids of her own. It doesn't MATTER that she didn't come to your wedding. To your cousin, this isn't about kids and TTC struggles, or celebrating good times at a wedding - to her, it's about the loss of her mother and not feeling supported.

I'm totally NOT saying you should have gone to the funeral, but try to cut her some slack and remember how many times it hurt YOU to not feel supported as you went through TTC/IF struggles. As much as your cousin does not and CANNOT understand the intense pain and suffering you went through b/c of IF, you are not in a place right now to understand the pain and suffering she is feeling right this instant from the loss of her mother.

My two cents is that you shouldn't cut her out of updates about your life. She's family. she's hurting. You've been hurting. Give hurt feelings time to settle - but don't cause MORE hurt and resentment by cutting family out of your life. What's that going to help?

Crossing My Fingers said...

Josey-thanks for your two cents. The whole relationship with that cousin has been constantly strained. I'm not about to say I understand a thing she's going through because I don't. It's a loss on a totally different level and I understand that. Without airing all of my family's dirty laundry, I think it's for the best to just go on about my life and her about hers...which is really how it's always been for the most part. My parents and sis agree. I don't plan on creating MORE drama by deleting her on FB or saying anything more or anything like that. My other cousin is great and I've talked to her and we're good. As most things, it's just a hot mess!

Jessica White said...

Certainly sounds like a lot to be handling at once, particularly when you're already hormonal and upset.

Angie said...

can totally understand the hubby thing - well, not anymore ;) - but in the past, completely!

the cousin thing - I'm sorry you got such a nasty response from her. I agree that her losing her mother is very, very heartbreaking, however, I think she could have handled that response a lot differently under the circumstances, which you explained. Hopefully she'll re-read the email one day and realize how hurtful that must have sounded. Hugs.

Angie said...

aw hugs girl. Hope you're feeling better now. I've been a hot mess as well. The 2 weeks before thanksgiving, my stepmom said some horrible nasty mean things to me, and it brought up my whole lifetime of memories of hurtful things she has done to me. I was crying every day and was really worried about my eyes because they were burning and the skin was raw from me rubbing them. Then thanksgiving day I had to go there and I was really nervous. She said something horrible to me and my dad heard it and pulled me aside and said she's on a new medicine and it's making her wacky. I think it just removed the filter and she's saying whatever she thinks which is always mean to me so that didn't really make me feel any better. Then my grandma just passed away and I was crying from that. Then my hubs was a jackass and wouldn't get the tree and lawn decor out of the garage and we're the only people on my street without lights. So i'm right there with ya being totally weepy and SICK OF CRYING!!!!!