Saturday, May 29, 2010

Being All Serious

So yes, last week Thursday/Friday I was a real basket case after finding out IVF was the only way we'd be able to have a baby. Saturday, I called two of my good friends to tell them what we'd found out, I somehow put a comical twist on the story and both were rollin' as I told them and I couldn't help but join in. As I told one of them, "It's really not funny but at this point, what can you do?"

I mean really, I could continue to mope around spitting out the facts like a robot OR I could get a good story out of it, make us both laugh and not take it so seriously. At this point, I know what we have to do to have a baby and by being all serious about it, I'll only stress out more. Now when the time draws closer that we have to actually make that decision, please remind me of this.

Amazingly, DH's and I relationship has improved just over the weekend because now the unknown is somewhat known. No more timed sex, we can just relax and roll with more another month and why, why, why???, another month and I know Flo's coming and if she doesn't, then get ready for the second coming because a miracle just happened!

So, yes, I was a basket case and a little bit crazy for two days but now, I'm actually feeling really good. I know it's going to be a roller coaster, I've already experienced it this weekend...we can afford it, we can't afford it, it'll happen the first time, no way will it happen the first time but this is my journey and I'm going to have to take it one day at a time being all serious or not.

Friday, May 28, 2010

Thoughts and Feelings

Over the course of three days, I think I've felt almost every emotion possibly. Hope, fear, frustration, excitement, name it and I've felt it. Going into our visit with Dr. Val, I had basically ruled out IVF because of cost. Leaving her office, I felt encouraged. Then I was upset with myself for feeling that encouragement because I'm just getting my hopes up for no reason.

Dr. Val said she really felt like it would work for us which really motivated me and made me feel good. Then I had to stop, does she say this to every couple? Would she really say to a young couple like us who is dying to be parents, "Dude, it ain't gonna work."? And who am I kidding, IVF NEVER works the first time especially with our low sperm count, right?

A person in my life has strong beliefs against IVF. They didn't want to do it because they didn't want to tell their kid, "You were a test tube baby." This person made this comment long before my journey began but it always stuck with me. This person has been a huge help, guidance, knowledge, support, strength during my journey. I don't really know how I feel about it yet but I don't feel like I can talk to this person about it any more.

By doing IVF, we won't ever have that "normal" pregnancy I pregnant this month? Am I not? OH! By accident we got pregnant! We have one month...I won't ever get to think my period is late and maybe I'm pregnant. I'm going to wait two weeks and either Flo's coming or she ain't. Yeah, can't wait to "just relax and stay calm" during those two weeks!

I'm sure I'll have even more thoughts, feelings, concerns and a whole lot of research ahead of me. OH! I forgot to mention that if we choose IVF, Dr. Val's office does like a half day orientation so we're all on the same page and know what's going on.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Game Plan


After we left Dr. Val's office and discussed everything, as emotionally torn as I was, I was also kind of relieved. Finally no more timed every other day sex, we could actually enjoy sex again without having to squeeze it in on a particular day because I was ovulating. No more planning social activities around ovulation days (if we're going to visit a friend out of town staying in their living room and I'm ovulating, not really the optimal time for baby making). Knowing that we only had a .2% chance of conceiving naturally, hopefully I won't be getting my hopes up every month to be let the month we try IVF, if we do, oh boy...I'll be a ball of nerves.

Here's the game plan that we came up with. I'm going to start seeing a therapist. TTC really takes a toll. It sparks fights over everything, it makes you feel like a failure, you're up one minute laughing and down the next when your period arrives and in the midst of all that, I'm a woman so I'm constantly struggling with my body image so all that combined has really taken a toll on our marriage. Basically, I need to get to my happy place before I embark in the next step of this journey.

In the mean time, we're still not 100% sold on IVF but we are going to start saving for it, see where we are financially, emotionally, mentally in the fall and revisit the issue then. So hopefully that means we can sit back and enjoy our summer!

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Man Vs. Woman

So after we leave Dr. Val's office, we get in the car.

DH says, "Well that went better than expected!"

I look at him, big rings under my eyes, my security tissues still in hand, "What? We can't afford that!"

DH: "Well, it's 10 grand less than we thought it would be!" He's smiling proudly like $10,000-$15,000 ain't no thang. Have I mentioned I'm the finance one in our relationship?

Me: "Are you crazy??? We still can't afford that even if we deplete our savings!"

DH: "We'd make it work."

After discussing the cost issue, I start to tell him my concerns with IVF. I think hubs was ready to commit right there in Dr. Val's office. As she was leaving he asked, so do we need to set up her MRI. I looked at him and told him I wanted to get home to discuss it first. Geez-jumping the gun! He really felt encouraged by our visit with Dr. Val while I was devastated.

Wow-isn't it amazing how differently men and women think?

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

So What IS IVF?

Well, by no means am I an expert, I'm just going to summarize what Dr. Val told us and how it will work for US. First off, I would get an MRI to check out my prolactin gland to see if there is a lesion or a giant tumor in my brain, Dr. Val said probably no giant tumor but we won't know unless we look. Then she'd put me on some medicine (I think lupron) to get that into a good range. After all, if we're going to go for it, we want to make sure we've got it right in Dr. Val's words.

So after that then I would have to give myself shots, like little bee stings, right in the derriere and I would have to go to her office (which is about 45 minutes away from my house) 4-6 times over the course of two weeks to get blood work and check that things are going good. During this time, she would "practice" where to place the egg/sperm combination (embryo) in my uterus. Then once everything looked good, I'd take a little nap while she collected my eggs. OH! The bee stings would help me to produce more eggs. So then they would take the eggs and the sperm and make sure they meet up, wait 2-3 days then insert 2 into my uterus (risk for twins). We would have to pay extra to freeze any others that were successful.

Then we wait to see if that bitch Flo shows up or if we're prego. She feels that with our age and medical conditions that it would work, but I'm assuming legally, she says the chances are 50/50.

Okay, so most of you probably already know what IVF is, you want to know the cost, right? DH and I were thinking anywhere from $20,000-$25,000, we were wrong.

Here's the breakdown:

Professional Fees (office visits, consultations, cycle monitoring, follicle ultrasound studies, oocyte retrieval and embryro transfer, post procedure follow-up and consultations) $5,108

Technical Fees (Anesthesia, procedure and recovery room support, laboratory services (including sperm prep and embryo culture) $4,232

ICSI (intra cytoplasmic sperm injection) $1,251

Medications approximately $3,000

Embryo Cryopreservation $613 per year

TOTAL: $12,000-$15,000

Any questions? Ask Google! Just kidding, I can "try" to answer if you have any. As stated above, I'm just summarizing what Dr. Val told us during our meeting and by no means am I an expert.

Monday, May 24, 2010

Your Option, No S, Just Option

DH and I make our way to the fertility doctor. We walk in, wait about 30 minutes (really, does any doctor's office get anyone in right away?) then we get called back. They take us to a consultation room where they tell DH to wait while they take my vitals. I was pretty thrilled with my weight and told the nurse, "That's good." She didn't comment and looked at me like I was crazy, "Okay, well not for a person of my height but for me, I'm thrilled!" She laughed then we made our way back to the consultation room.

A friend of mine who has been through this journey told me to take tissues with me to this meeting. As I sat down, I looked at the desk and told DH what she'd told me as I laughed when I saw the box was empty...oh well, it couldn't be THAT bad, right?

So some doctor-in-training came in to meet with us first. It was kind of funny because she really focused on ME and not DH's sperm count. And she was also very vague with her questions, like what, you're going to offend me by being direct or asking about ejaculation? I'm so glad I'd done as much research as I had so I could understand what she was asking with her vague questions. I spent most of the Q&A saying, "OH! I think I know what you're getting at..." Finally, DH was like, "Based off what we know, we think the issue is with me." She then finally flips the chart, "OH OKAY!"

She leaves then the specialist, we'll call her Dr. Val, comes in, gives a quick review of our chart. I don't think I've mentioned this but I have elevated prolactin levels. My OB/GYN told me they were high but not high enough to worry about and that insurance probably wouldn't cover an MRI at this point to get it checked out PLUS I was still getting my period every month. So again, Dr. Val focuses on me instead of DH sperm count. She asks if I'd had an MRI and I explained previously mentioned and she looked at me like I was insane, "Well that's absurd! I absolutely think insurance should pay for it, I would write letters upon letters until they did so don't let that stop us." Well, I'm beginning to feel like we've got someone on our side. She then looks at DH's chart and then immediately says, "Okay, so the way to get your pregnant is through IVF."
My heart drops..., "Wh..what about IUI?"
Dr. Val: "It's basically pointless but if you want to try it, we can."

She then goes on to explain IUI as I feel the disgusting, uncontrollable sobs coming on. I point to the empty Kleenex box, " you have a box that isn't empty?" OMG! You would have thought I'd said, "CODE BLUE!" Both Dr. Val and doctor-in-training were up running around getting a brand new box and apologizing profusely.

I didn't say much as she explained IUI and IVF, just listened and soaked it in. DH was super sweet, reaching over to rub my back and my leg, trying to console me. Luckily, I was able to control the sobs as I hid behind the tissue, the barrier that saved me from a huge breakdown in front of these two strangers who just ROCKED MY WORLD even more than I thought it could be. I'm so thankful for the info I found the night before so I at least knew that was coming. DH did a great job asking questions since I was incapacitated.

At the end of the consultation, Dr. Val looks at me, "Why are you crying? What did I say to upset you?"
I removed my security tissue and told her, "Well, I'd read up on this and I knew what you were going to say..." Oh no, sob coming on...
Dr. Val took it from there, "Yes, that's good you educated yourself and I know it's just different to hear it from an actual person, right?"
Nods, "Exactly."

As we left the office and I finally calmed down, I told hubs I wasn't sure if I liked Dr. Val or not. He responded, "I like her...she's exactly like you!"

So there we had it, our answer.

Friday, May 21, 2010

'Twas the Night Before

So it's the night before the meeting with the fertility specialist. I feel like I'm not prepared, I had done so much research when we first made this appointment but that was almost 2 months ago. I decide to research online and typed "success rate of IUI..." then Google suggested, "...with low sperm count" and then I came across this website.

Here's what I read when my stomach dropped, "If the sperm count, motility and morphology scores are low, intrauterine insemination is unlikely to work." Here's some food for thought: DH's sperm count is less than 1 million. Our chances of conceiving naturally: .2%, IUI with/without drugs/injectables: .4-.5%

Wow! That is not what I was expecting at all. I knew the lower the sperm count, the lower the success rate of IUI. DH and I were expecting to walk in to the doctor tomorrow and her be like, "Okay, let's do an IUI." According to this, it sounds like IVF is the only option which I know is out of our price limit. To say I broke down would be an understatement, to say my world was rocked (even more than it already could be) then I'd be lying, to sum it up picture me in front of the computer with big crocodile tears rolling down my cheeks trying NOT to get sick from what was looking back at me.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Hi, Anyone but Diane

Get home from work and the test results are in the mail but still no phone call. Before I get online to try to research myself, I call the doctor's office, "Hi, this is I think I'm Infertile but don't meet the definition Myrtle....I'm sure you're sick and tired of me but I received these tests results in the mail and before I start to look online and tell myself I'm dying could I please speak to someone, anyone, well anyone except that rude nurse Diane, and have them explain this to me?" About an hour later, the doctor calls me. It was a good talk, finally got some information we'd been waiting on. Turns out DH's doctor was being hopeful, not honest about his semen analysis. Long story short, our chances of conceiving naturally are slim to none. Set up an appointment with a fertility specialist on April 29. Felt hope for about 12 hours. Then I started researching IUI, which is probably the route we're going, and the hope faded away...

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Birthday Gift

March 13, 2010
Happy birthday to me-got my period!

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Just F OFF!

The day before my birthday and I've been waiting since Monday to get my test results back. I called yesterday to get them and nothing. So a nurse calls this AM to tell me she'll send me DH's test results and mine and that there's a note saying the doctor will call me about mine. I ask, "So that means she saw something on mine?" She responds that something looks high and she'll call me in 1-2 days to discuss what she wants me to do next which in doctor world means around next Wednesday. So thanks for just calling to tell me something's wrong and happy birthday to me!

Later that day...
The Internet is the devil! I've been researching and self-diagnosing all morning, so much for my day off before my birthday. I also indirectly asked my mom about my childhood PP so I called the doctor's office to tell her what I found out and that stupid bitch nurse was like, "I told you this morning when I called that she'd call you in 1-2 days." I wanted to say, "Look here bitch, calling me the day before my birthday and saying you've got something wrong with your test results that I can't tell you but the doctor will call you in 1-2 days is NOT COOL! So shut up and let me call because I've been going crazy all day now just F OFF!!!"

Monday, May 17, 2010

How Many Does That Make?

Went to doctor to get some blood work done to see if I'm ovulating. Found out two more women I know are pregnant.

Found out another couple is prego with their third baby. Hubs bought a new vehicle, we tried to keep it secret because we knew that we wouldn't ever have the big "baby surprise" news for his family so that's why we wanted to surprise his family with the vehicle, closest we'll ever get.

I've lost track of the pregnancy announcements plus least 10 in the past month, if not more...

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Not Infertile Enough

For those of you that know me, and those of you that are just getting to know me, I'm really upset about stupid anon and their comment that basically summed up, I'm not infertile enough in her eyes. First off, I don't WANT to be infertile, I can't help it but we are. I'm sorry that I'm in tune with my body and our medical histories that I knew not to waste time. I guess according to the definition, we aren't infertile but on my second wedding anniversary than I can officially be dubbed that even though after six months of trying our fertility doctor told us our only shot at getting pregnant was through IVF but no, I don't meet the definition so I'm not infertile, just can't get knocked up the good 'ole fashioned way.

I seriously am having problems letting this go. I feel like I've been black balled in the IF world. I won an awesome pair of earring from Baby on Mind and I was so excited when she left me a comment to say I'd won. I called DH at work and told him that maybe our luck was changing and that if/when we have the one and only IVF that we can afford, that it would work. I told him I planned on wearing those earrings to every single meeting, appointment, IVF, everything to bring us good luck and baby dust. Then I got that comment and I no longer feel that I have the "right" to wear them because I don't belong in the IF world because I don't meet the definition.

I feel even more alone NOW than before I started this blog all because one anon reader, who doesn't have the balls to say to my face, much less read any more than my profile, doesn't think I'm infertile enough for her. So now I've set my profile to private which totally negates the whole point of having a blog, which is to relate to each other and give each other encouragement, but I'm going to continue blogging if only for me.

For those of you out there in the IF world, I apologize because I'm at the beginning of my journey and I haven't gone through near as much as you all have and that I don't fit the definition. I'll try not to call myself the IF word until October when I officially meet the definition. For those of you actually reading this, thank you.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Definition of Infertility

It seems as though according to an anonymous commenter that I'm not infertile enough for her. She kindly left me a definition and a few words of wisdom in her comment, "The definition of Infertility is after trying 1 year with no luck for those under 35 and 6 months with no luck for those over 35. I wouldn't be so quick to slap that label on yourself."

Hmm....yes, that would seem to be the definition of infertility. However, going into trying to have a baby, I knew about my medical history and I knew about DH's. I had a feeling we would have issues and we asked the doctor if they felt the same way which is what got this whole ball rolling. I guess I'll clue you in NOW so you know what you have to look forward to but at only SIX months into our journey, the medical professionals "slapped the label" of infertility on us and yes, we're both under 35.

Infertility is different for every single person and while yes, there's a definition, it may not be the same for everyone. In no way, did I think or WANT to "label" us as infertile but that's how the cards fell and we have to move forward with it. I didn't start this blog just for fun, I started it to share my story, to vent, to let me get my thoughts out and also, to get some support, some encouragement and to gain knowledge NOT to be put down.

So I apologize if our story isn't infertile enough for anyone out there. All that I ask if for everyone to remember the golden rule, if you don't have anything nice to say then don't say anything at all.


So I took OPK tests all weekend and it doesn't even say I'm ovulating so I think I figured out why we can't have a baby...I'm screwed up-yah! Then to top it off, I found out ANOTHER person is pregnant and oh, guess what? They weren't even trying. I just feel like for the next few years, we're going to keep trying every month only to be disappointed every month. DH just told me that the couple that found out they're pregnant is really happy and excited, a happy and excited that we will never know. I just feel so no one is on our side, like hubs doc is a child doctor so he doesn't care because we're adults and my doc doesn't care because I'm not pregnant...this isn't the doctors fault, it's just my own way of thinking.

When you're in this situation all I want to know is why? Why am I not pregnant? Why will I never get to have a child of my own and experience pregnancy? Why are you letting people who aren't even trying or don't even want a baby get pregnant? WHY? WHY? WHY?

Friday, May 14, 2010

Are you encouraged?

Just got home from my visit with the doctor. She explained all my tests and it was all positive and she seems to think things will work. Basically, we'll try for 9 months before she goes in to check my tubes and all that inside stuff. I have to go back on March 8 or 9 to have blood work to make sure I'm ovulating and other than that, that was it. She did look at me halfway through and asked, "Are you encouraged?" I stared at her blankly and answered honestly, "No, not really." She admitted she could tell from my face that I wasn't. I can't help it...that's just me. Apparently everything is fine then WHY AM I NOT PREGNANT!?! I'm sitting here waiting to go get DH and holding back tears. Here goes another month of trying...

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Not Shooting Blanks!!!

Found out another real-life and blogger friend is pregnant (that's 4 in the past week and I have 3 showers in upcoming week). As stated previously, it's bittersweet, salt in the wound...Yesterday was a horrible day! We fought like crazy because I was so upset about it and blah-I don't even want to rehash it, it.just.sucked! I'm trying to get my mind into the set of realizing, I will never have children. During church last night, I just watched people with their families and kept telling myself, I won't ever get to take a child for communion, I won't ever get to show them off at church, this is my life sitting alone in the pew while DH and his family take communion...5, 10, 15, 20 years from now, I'll be sitting there watching people with their children and none of my own. Okay, enough pity party, back to listening to the women in my office discuss their pregnancy and how awful it is...I'll never know.

2/18/10 9PM
DH just came home and HIS DOCTOR FINALLY CALLED HIM!!! Basically, his doctor told him that he's not shooting blanks!!! So that's good news, his sperm count is low but nothing that could keep us from getting pregnant. His doctor said at worse that they'll have to take his concentrated sperm and insert it into my uterus when I'm ovulating, DH didn't think it sounded like in vitro but we're not sure (this is what happens when DH passes along a story to me, I only get HALF the story). His doctor is talking to a fertility specialist and he'll get back to DH either tomorrow or early next week to give us recommendations about how to proceed. So in HIS doctor's terms tomorrow or early next week means...two-three weeks from now. This is a relief but now I'm worried that it's me...most of the time infertility is in the woman. Now I'm going to totally stress about MY doctor's appointment. I know I should just take the good news and enjoy it for the time being, right? Right!

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Hanging on a Maybe

Started my period last let down. After five months of trying and five months of failing, I try not to even get my hopes up but there's still always that small chance. We used OPK this month but didn't "try" very much due to hives plus the whole pregnancy test at the doctor's office so I knew there was no chance this month but all day yesterday was day 28 (my cycles usual run 26-28) and I hadn't started so I silently started to get my hopes up then bed time rolls around and BAM! HA HA!!! Gotcha...what a good joke, my body cracks up. UGH! I don't even know what to think any more. It's been three weeks (this Friday) since DH's test and still no results. Of course, once I start, I go off on him about how he needs to get in touch with his doctor TOMORROW and find out the freakin' results! I'm sick and tired of hanging on a maybe...just tell me yes, no or here are the options.

After a horrible night of sleep, DH and I are riding to work this morning where I tell him that I feel like I'm all alone in this whole predicament. He doesn't get his hopes up every month to have them crushed and he never really says much about it when I vent or get upset (have I mentioned that DH really isn't a man of many words?). He then says if he could do anything else to get me pregnant, he would and I look at him like he's lost his mind, "THEN call your freakin' doctor, get the test results and have him refer you to someone else!" If I haven't mentioned this before, DH's doctor is a children's doctor he saw when he was younger...he doesn't get it. This doctor takes care of kids, not adults wanting kids, he may have been great and awesome when you were younger but you are no longer his specialty or his priority-move on! Seriously, day one of my period is the worst day ever, you could look at me wrong and I will shoot laser beams out of my eyes burning holes in you, DH could say hey and I'll fly off the handle about why we aren't pregnant...can I just say that this really sucks?

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

A Good Mom

Found out yesterday that one of my sorority sister's, whose wedding I was in, is due ANY day with baby #2!?! How in the world did I fall out of the loop? I 100% blame her for just getting Facebook (kidding! but seriously, how would I stay in touch with anyone without FB?)! So I emailed our other friend, it was a great email conversation back and forth about TTC because her and her hubs are in a similiar situation (different reason for infertility) and she informed me that they decided to quit trying because of the costs. Seriously, my heart is breaking for her, this girl RAISED me in college and was/is always awesome taking care of EVERYONE around her. She would rock as a mom and I know how much I hurt for her so I can only imagine how hard the decision was for her and her husband to make it. It makes me think about when DH and I will have to make that choice...

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Legs Up!

Found out that one of my sorority sister's is pregnant...without trying. These days finding out anyone is prego is bittersweet, how exciting and awesome for them but another reminder, like a hard slap in the face, that nothing you're doing is right or working. I talked to one of my best friends from back in the day yesterday, I'd been thinking about her a lot because I knew that her and her hubs had issues trying to have a baby. Maybe this is TMI but hello, I'm sharing this story with you so I'm allowed a little TMI...she said the month they did get pregnant that after they had sex she held her legs up forever so I made a mental note, next time legs up...check! She also told me to pray like crazy because that's what helped her through it. Yes, I am a Christian and when things get tough, my dad always tells me to pray or talk to God about it. But honestly, I don't go to church every week and I don't feel like I'm a great Christian so I don't really feel like I have the right to pray to ask for God's help. I know this isn't right but this is the type of person I am...

Friday, May 7, 2010

Waiting and Waiting and Waiting

We had dinner at DH's parents tonight where they gave us his birth certificate and other important documents they felt that he was now "old enough to be responsible with." FYI-I'm pretty sure my dad still has my birth certificate. They also gave us some documents they'd typed up for doctors about DH's medical history so when we got home I started reading through it. Bad I'm just frustrated! I told DH that at this point, I'm really frustrated with both of our doctors. Neither are giving us any information nor making this seem important at all. I feel like neither him or I know enough about this to know what to do so we're kind of putting all our eggs in one basket waiting for them. I feel like they don't really care because it's only been 5 months and we just need to be patient but HELLO!?! I'm TELLING YOU SOMETHING IS NOT RIGHT!!! It's a gut feeling that I knew all along, I KNEW we'd have trouble conceiving and I just want ONE medical professional to give a shit and help us out! I know you're busy with more important patients, patients that ARE pregnant BUT I just want to know that there's no way in hell we can have a baby, there's a small possiblity and here are your options or everything's all good...keep up the sex but I'm getting nothing but waiting, waiting and more waiting.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

We Now Interrupt Baby Making Time

In February, I woke up with the worst case of hives EVER! I thought that they would probably prescribe prednisone which is a steroid and I read online that it could cause miscarriages. So before I called my family doctor, I called my OB/GYN to see if it was okay to take that while TTC. While looking online for the office number, I came across where you can review your doctor. There were only 3 posts, two good and one bad. Of course, the bad one is what stuck out on me so when they called me back to say it was okay, I didn't really believe her. So I called my family doctor and got in to see him. He was about to put in a prescription when I explained that I was TTC and he was like, well, let's do a pregnancy test just to be sure. Okay I had just peed right before I went back so I didn't think I had ANYTHING in me and I barely did, it didn't even fill the bottom of the cup. So, of course, it came back negative which I expected it had so he went ahead and prescibed me the prednisone.

Now side note, he and the lady at the OB/GYN office both asked, "Is there a chance you could be pregnant right now?" I said yes, because I had just ovulated but deep down, I wanted to say, probably not because at this point (and yes, I know in February, we'd only been trying for 5 months) I felt like, we were trying during ovulation times, using ovulation predictor kits, having sex every other day and nothing was happening. The roller coaster and disappoint every month had gone from tears to being pissed off for a good day or two and it seemed like the more I couldn't get pregnant, everyone around me was. In February, I had 3 baby showers in one week.

It also seems that the more we try, the more I'd come across stories of parents that hid their babies under the bed and called the cops that they were missing, a lady who was so drunk and smothered her 6 week old baby or "16 and Pregant" on MTV and all I could think was why? Why not me? Why do those people get to have a baby but not me? I wouldn't hide my baby under a bed or pass out drunk on my baby. Why? Every night, I fall asleep asking, "Why?"

Monday, May 3, 2010

Baby Making Time!

I figure my story of infertility will be the closest to parenthood that I'll ever have so I want to tell my story and document everything along my journey while it's fresh in my head. So here's the story from the beginning and this is your WARNING that this may not even make sense at times.

Remember this is ME and MY THOUGHTS and FEELINGS, I can't help how I feel. This post isn't meant to be a pity party, its just my story. So this is the raw story, here goes...

When DH and I originally got married, we had decided that we wanted to have a baby in the springtime but after further thought, we decided to try to have a baby at the end of the summer when things slowed down for us. So starting on our one year anniversary in October, we decided to start baby making time!

I went off the pill back in July, I was on Yasmin and started seeing all the commericals and researching online. Not a great idea...I basically thought I was going to die from the things I read online so that's why I went off the pill a good four months before we really wanted to try. I started taking prenatal vitamins in September because everyone around me was getting pregnant just by looking at their spouse so I KNEW that we'd get pregnant in October and I'd be ready to go. Well, October came and went, November came and went and no baby. Let me just tell you that if you haven't ever tried to have a baby-wow, what an emotional roller coaster!!! You think you're going to get pregnant, the smallest thing, oh that smell almost made me puke...I must be pregnant...My boobs are sore...I'm pregnant...then Aunt Flo comes and your heart is smashed....month after month after month.

So in November, I heard another woman's story and their struggles to have a baby and a couple thing she said got my wheels spinning. First off, growing up I had precocious_puberty (PP). Basically, without clicking that link it just means that I grew too fast so when I was in first grade, I was like the height and size of a fifth grader (think the movie Jack but not as extreme). I did have hormone shots given to me so I started to wonder if maybe that could have an effect on fertility. When DH was younger, he had a bunch stuff not working right which I thought might also have an effect on fertility. So the first week of December, I tried calling my nurse practioner to see if she had any idea if those things would have an effect on trying to conceive (TTC). It took us almost a week to get in touch with each other and she had no idea so she told me to make an appointment to see the main OB/GYN. So the second week of December, I called and the earliest she could get me in was January 4. I told DH to call his doctor but he said that he would call after the holidays.

So January 4, I go to the doctor, we chit chat, she was going to get my charts from when I was younger and I had some blood work done. All looked good from the blood work but she wanted to see me again February 25 and told me DH should have a semen analysis. DH on the other hand couldn't get in touch with his doctor for like THREE WEEKS!!! I was beyond pissed. I knew it would take him awhile to get in touch with his doctor but he insisted on waiting until after the holidays. So on January 29, DH finally went in for his test.

We'll pause there so your eyes don't glaze over from staring at the computer screen. I started writing out our journey back in February, so I'll be posting as I journaled until I get caught up...hope this doesn't confuse everyone.