Saturday, June 26, 2010

Today's An Off Day

Today was really an off day for me. I woke up early to meet some friends to run...they were late. I ran a mile warm-up before they got there. Once they got there, we ran and it was a good run...didn't run as far as I wanted/needed but I felt good (although I did have to pee the entire time and there were NO bathrooms ANYWHERE). After completing my half-marathon three weeks ago, I decided I was going to start training for a full in October. While running today, I came to the realization that there's no way I can do that. Like I said, the run went well today, we got in six miles, I didn't hurt but I just don't think there's any way I can do a full marathon. That thought alone hurt me because I've been using running as something to focus on and take my mind off IF.

I came home to get ready to go to DH's aunt's house for her kids' graduation party. I knew we'd be outside and swimming so I didn't put on any make-up (which I rarely do anyways). I look in the mirror and hate what I see. Aside from a pudgy girl, I see an almost 30 year old with acne as horrible as a middle school girl. This was one of the benefits of being on birth control but I will never again be on birth control because there is that .2% chance that we could get knocked up the "natural" way. UGH!!! No amount of face wash, soap or scrubbing will keep this acne away-I HATE IT!!!

DH and I are driving to the party when he tells me that his friend is pregnant. They only "tried" once and he didn't realize it would happen the first time. Up until this point in the day, I could shrug everything else off but this just immediately reminded me how I thought it would happen in the first couple months. How we will try and try and try and it would probably never ever happen. How we're spending almost our entire savings over the past 6 years to "try" just once and pray to God that it happens. How if it doesn't happen, that it'll take us another 6 years to save that much money to "try" again but we'll be in our 30s then. How we may not even try again. How by the end of this year, I'm going to have to start facing the facts that I'm going to be childless for the rest of my life. How much this whole thing sucks.

We got to the party and I tried to forget about it (although I did learn that the aunt's dogs have been trying to get pregnant and it's not working so they are going through doggie infertility) only to come home to a missed phone call from work. Which totally stresses me out! I just want ONE weekend where I don't have to work or don't get a phone call from work. I want one entire weekend of relaxation and no worries...JUST ONE!!!

The one good thing that happened today? I got a bill in the mail for my MRI and I only owe $11 and some change.


Kim said...

I hate off days like that. It starts off with small things and theb everything just keeps adding onto it. So sorry....

A 6 mile run to me is impressive. Is a half marathon 13 miles? Or something like that? i can barely finish 5k's, and barely run a 10 minute mile, so I am always impressed with runners.

Hope today is a better day for you.


Anonymous said...

Oh man...sounds like a rough day. =( I'm sorry. Hope things turned up the rest of your weekend. I can relate to the work stress and phone calls and stuff...I cherish any days off these days and pray no one calls me. My stomach drops every time my phone rings.

Sarah said...

Yay about the MRI! Boo about the rest of it. Thanks for your comment on FB yesterday. I can totally relate to just wanting some time off. I love e-mail and being able to work from home, but unfortunately that means I do a lot of work from home. Ironic isn't it?

Jessica White said...

I shake my fist at off days like that! *hugs* I don't blame you for wanting some time off, you need it and deserve it.