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Tuesday, June 8, 2010

False Hope

About 2 weeks before our first appointment with Dr. Val, it was day 29 of my normal 25-28 day cycle, I tried not to get my hopes and think about it too much but some random thoughts couldn't help but cross my mind. I told myself I'd wait until later this week to go get a test, sure enough 8pm Sunday night here comes Flo. This is the closest we've ever been to being pregnant and we weren't even close at all. Cried, usually I don't cry each month when Flo comes, I'm kind of used to it, but with the faint hope of a late period this month, I cried, I cried hard. DH was actually very supportive, holding me as I cried and told him everything that had been in my mind this weekend. Then we watched tv and something was on about kids and moms and I said, "I think I'd be a good mom...pause...but I won't ever get the chance." More tears, DH looks at me and says, "I know you'll be a good mom." We've never talked about being "mom" or being "dad" because we don't want to get our hopes up, I mean we did in the beginning when we were trying but not since like December have we discussed it that way. Wow-another punch in the stomach.

The next day, it was like for a small two day period, I thought to myself maybe I just overreacted and had "slapped that label" on us too soon and we aren’t really going through this, I’m just being impatient. Then this morning it was like back to reality and that hopeless feeling.

2 comments:

Conceptionally Challenged said...

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad. Crying about my fertility frustration every now and then actually helps me -- I need to get it out. Maybe it will help you too.
And please don't think you won't ever get a chance (unless this is your way of coping with this situation). Nobody can promise you that "everything will be fine", but I very much hope that you will get your chance. ART has made many people parents that thought the wouldn't get this chance. (hugs)

~Jess said...

*hugs* The last cycle before treatment I think is the worst. You think, Maybe this time it will work, and then it doesn't, all hope is gone.

Hang in there.