Past October

We scheduled our IVF orientation in August. I'm anxious about it...I have so many questions about the procedure, the time frame, the success...I just can't wait for it to get here. With that being said, I'm also starting to kind of freak out because I'm a planner. I know in IF, planners aren't allowed.

As I've said before, I'm a...runner (kind of, it took all my might to type that because I really just feel like a runner wannabe) and there's so great races in December but I can't plan for it until after the IVF. I know you can still exercise but if it works I plan on being extremely careful, I'm going to try to not even sneeze hard.

My best friend is getting married in Florida in October which is at the start of my cycle so now I'm waiting for orientation to know what the time commitment is so I can know if I can go.

I need to know how much time to plan to be off work.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining about putting in the time. I know if I want a baby this is what I have to do. I just want the orientation to get here so I have a better idea what to expect. I hate not having control. I hate not knowing. I just want to know past October...

Starting to Freak Out

So today I called to get the results of our blood work that we both had done last week. Let me first off say that I love Dr. Val's office because when I call, I know someone will follow up with me in about an hour. What I hate-why am I calling to get test results? Shouldn't you be calling me? But I don't dwell on it because I'm getting my info...I'm just having to ask for it-fair enough. I just hate when they call because I give them my cell because I don't want to talk to them at my desk so the whole office can hear so I have to grab my cell and dart outside!

So they are still waiting on my prolactin results and to see if I have antibodies against chicken pox (never had it, had vaccine in 8th grade) and a couple of the tests from DH's tests. She tells me after that is done we'll start the practice embryo transfer some other tests and then I need to be financially "cleared" before we schedule a date. She transfers me to the finance lady who I leave a message for.

Okay, let me pause...we scheduled our orientation for August 26. So I'm sure they'll go over all this stuff at the orientation and everything she mentioned sounded vaguely familiar from the first meeting with Dr. Val. As soon as I hang up the phone leaving the message for the finance lady, I start to freak out! I mean we're going for it, there's no turning back now, it's forward march which is exciting and scary at the same time.

Within 20 minutes, the finance lady calls me back to tell me once I've been medically "cleared" then they need a deposit of $5,108 and then on the day of the transfer the remaining balance is due not to mention we have to pay for the meds sometime in there. Okay, now I'm even more confused...wait for the rest of our blood work, schedule a practice transfer, be medically cleared, then financially cleared then schedule the IVF...as I hung up the phone all I could think was being an adult sucks.

This is the first major "medical" issue I've had to face on my own (AKA with hubs and my parents not involved). I hate not knowing what's going on and when they call and I'm talking quietly outside the office, I can't ask the questions I want and I don't want to be like, "What the hell are you talking about?" So I sat down tonight and emailed Dr. Val, I don't have high hopes that she'll email back, but basically I told her your office is telling me to do 500 things and our orientation isn't until the end of August so can you or someone in your office please just email me back and let me know what to do from here? I do like the fact of making two payments to space them out.

So after the minor freak out, which I was quickly distracted and forgot about once I walked back into the office, I called DH during lunch. Originally, he said let's wait to do all this stuff (the MRI, blood work, etc...) until after the orientation but I had told him I thought we needed to get the ball rolling if we wanted to try this fall so they had time, he FINALLY stated on the phone at lunch, "Wow babe, good thing you decided to get us started early!" Yeah, sometimes I do know what I'm talking out...even if I'm freaking out.

Today's An Off Day

Today was really an off day for me. I woke up early to meet some friends to run...they were late. I ran a mile warm-up before they got there. Once they got there, we ran and it was a good run...didn't run as far as I wanted/needed but I felt good (although I did have to pee the entire time and there were NO bathrooms ANYWHERE). After completing my half-marathon three weeks ago, I decided I was going to start training for a full in October. While running today, I came to the realization that there's no way I can do that. Like I said, the run went well today, we got in six miles, I didn't hurt but I just don't think there's any way I can do a full marathon. That thought alone hurt me because I've been using running as something to focus on and take my mind off IF.

I came home to get ready to go to DH's aunt's house for her kids' graduation party. I knew we'd be outside and swimming so I didn't put on any make-up (which I rarely do anyways). I look in the mirror and hate what I see. Aside from a pudgy girl, I see an almost 30 year old with acne as horrible as a middle school girl. This was one of the benefits of being on birth control but I will never again be on birth control because there is that .2% chance that we could get knocked up the "natural" way. UGH!!! No amount of face wash, soap or scrubbing will keep this acne away-I HATE IT!!!

DH and I are driving to the party when he tells me that his friend is pregnant. They only "tried" once and he didn't realize it would happen the first time. Up until this point in the day, I could shrug everything else off but this just immediately reminded me how I thought it would happen in the first couple months. How we will try and try and try and it would probably never ever happen. How we're spending almost our entire savings over the past 6 years to "try" just once and pray to God that it happens. How if it doesn't happen, that it'll take us another 6 years to save that much money to "try" again but we'll be in our 30s then. How we may not even try again. How by the end of this year, I'm going to have to start facing the facts that I'm going to be childless for the rest of my life. How much this whole thing sucks.

We got to the party and I tried to forget about it (although I did learn that the aunt's dogs have been trying to get pregnant and it's not working so they are going through doggie infertility) only to come home to a missed phone call from work. Which totally stresses me out! I just want ONE weekend where I don't have to work or don't get a phone call from work. I want one entire weekend of relaxation and no worries...JUST ONE!!!

The one good thing that happened today? I got a bill in the mail for my MRI and I only owe $11 and some change.

Touching the Copy Machine

Today I went to the hospital for some bloodwork. When I got there at 8am, there was a line of people waiting to register. As I got to the front the lady asked if I had my paperwork and I said no, my doctor was going to send it over (Dr. Val's office is like 45 minutes from my house but she also operates out of a hospital that is like 5 minutes from my work-so thankful for this although when IVF time rolls around, I know I won't be able to use this hospital but for the time being, I am grateful). So I go sit down then about 5 minutes later she calls me back up, reads my paperwork and asks if I'd been fasting. I commented, "Oh yes...that's why I'm so crabby this morning." Ha ha...okay, she didn't think it was so funny.

I don't think I've mentioned this but during the start of our IF journey, I got into it with my girl doctor's office for broken HIPAA laws and mass confusion (my SIL went to the same doctor and they could NEVER keep us straight which there's seriously like 3 women with our last name in the entire county-how hard is it PLUS I got billed for a $1,900 surgery I didn't have plus I fear that my SIL may know information about our IF journey because of this mix-up). After numerous, pointless arguments with staff at Dr. L's office, I finally "broke up" with her, wrote a letter to her office, the president of the hospital she operates out of and to the Better Business Bureau (of course, nothing has happened but I feel like I did what I needed to do to hopefully stop this from happening to other women and my insurance company got the check back for the $1,900 surgery they paid very quickly after that). People can learn better business practices
while receiving a business degree online.

Okay, so the point of that tangent, as I was waiting for the lady to type in my insurance info, who do I see walking in the lobby? DR. L!!! OMG!!! This is NOT the confrontation I want at 8am on a Tuesday morning on an empty stomach. I quickly turn my back to her, pulling my hair to the side of my face right as the receptionist asks, "How do you spell your last name?" I quietly start to whisper the spelling to which she replies, "I can't hear you!" I turn around and see Dr. L getting in the elevator-whew! Crisis averted.

I get taken back to the lab right away and the lady gets on the phone to order the labels for the multiple viles of blood she's about to take. I couldn't really understand her but apparently we were waiting on something, which I later saw was a list of labels the size of legal paper. She asked if she could get the next patient and I said, no that's fine so she pulls the curtain, however, I'm sitting next to the door so the new patient walks right past me, smiles and says hello. I did found out that our birthdays are only three days apart, I wanted to tell him this but I felt it would be an invasion of privacy since that piece of cloth was separating us. He finished up, walked out and told me good luck before he left.

As he left, she opened the curtain and started doing things WITH HER GLOVES ON!!! She was throwing away stuff, putting labels on the viles, TOUCHING THE COPY MACHINE!?! Doesn't this defeat the purpose of wearing the gloves??? I don't know, maybe I'm a little too OCD or something.

Anyways, we finally get to draw some blood in which she stuck me and couldn't find a vein. I almost started crying because this was just the kind of last few days I had...ugh! So then rather than try the other arm...she moves from my elbow crease (sorry don't know the technical name) to the right so she's drawing blood from almost my forearm!!! Then she put on the tape so tight when I went to use my phone, I couldn't bend my arm. Anyways, it was quite the experience...whew! I'm exhausted now.

The Post Office

Who knew that it was an IF trap? Last Thursday, I was waiting in line with my six year old niece. This lady in front of me felt the need to keep trying to talk to us, like it was okay because child was in tow. Anyways, there was this guy in line buying stamps obviously for his wedding invitations. The old lady in front of me plus the two ladies in front of her thought this was just so cute!

Then he leaves so old lady turns to the other lady and comments, "Well he's no spring chicken." The other lady comments that it's a good idea to wait until later. Old lady comments, "Yes, it's good to wait but I'm a social worker in adoption and waiting really takes a toll on the woman's fertility." Then they carry on about IF and adoption and blah blah blah.

It's a good thing my eyes didn't get stuck in the back of my head from all the eye rolling I was doing. Seriously, who knew that the post office who spark an IF statement? And that poor guy...he was just trying to get stamps for his wedding!

You Can Always Adopt

Yes, adoption is an option but when we've only been trying for 9 months and you say to me, "Have you thought about adoption?" That makes my heart sink because it's hard enough to keep up hope for myself but I feel like you've given up on me too.

Adoption is expensive and if that's an option we decide to go for...it'll be a long ways down the road. Plus, and this is totally just my opinion, but if God already tells me no you can't have a baby, my fear about adoption is rejection. What if we apply to adopt and get told again, sorry, you're not going to be able to be a parent...I couldn't handle that rejection. My heart would literally break into a million pieces.

28

I had planned on getting pregnant at 26 and having our first child at 27. We'd wait four years to have our second so I would be 31 (and we wouldn't have to pay double child care). We both agreed that we wanted to have our first by 30 and that we wanted to have two. Now my entire year of 27 won't be seen pregnant or as having a baby, heck-we may not even be able to *try* (try as in in-vitro) this entire year of 27.

So 27 is a wasted year in baby making speak. At the earliest, I will be 28 when we have our first child and a second child isn't even a question, heck a second try at a child if the first IVF doesn't work may not even be in the question. In other words, I'll know by age 28 if we're having any kids or not. By age 28, I'll know if I'm ever going to be a mother. At age 28, there may possibly be finality in our infertility journey.

At 28, I'll feel old...older than I'll ever be yet 28 is such a young number.

Feeling Cheated

This is how infertility works, you can be going about your day, minding your own business not thinking about the fact that you can't have a child then BAM! It hits you...out of no where!!! So I was driving home from work today and suddenly I started thinking about all the pregnant women out there and then I started thinking about my situation.

I don't think it's fair and I feel cheated that I have to raise $15,000 to even TRY to have a baby. I mean, for those that haven't experienced infertility, they got to get pregnant the good 'ole fashion way but for me, I have to raise $15,000 plus some to make sure that if I DO get pregnant, I can afford to get started with a baby, does that seem fair?

I've posted some thoughts before similar to this but I also feel cheated because I don't get to "accidentally" get pregnant. I will have one shot at *hopefully* getting a BFP and if I don't then I don't get another chance or if I do...I'll have to come up with another $15,000. I feel as though I've been cheated or is it that I'm trying to cheat the system? I've been told that I can't have a baby unless I raise $15,000 so whose REALLY being cheated...me? Or the system?

All I know is, IT'S NOT FAIR!!! (Yes, I'm whining and yes I'm throwing a tantrum!!!)

Grieving

So I started seeing a therapist. He's said a few helpful things. Here are two things he told me that have stood out. Infertility is a grieving process, one that is harder than death. Death makes sense, there's a finality to it. Infertility is unknown, no end answer, you've had something taken away from you and you don't know if you'll get it back. Working with dealing with infertility, he said I should also work on the grieving process.

Another thing he said about relationships is that you have to think about what you know about each other and then remember that. For instance, DH never shows emotion, I know that but I still take his lack of emotion as a sign that he doesn't care or isn't hurt by our infertility journey. So I have to remember that while I wear my emotions on my sleeves for the whole world to see my feelings, DH doesn't but that doesn't mean he's not hurting, upset or even grieving...

Hopefully the grieving thing makes sense and maybe puts some things into perspective for those who haven't ever been on the IF journey.

So What CAN I Say?

After my post about what NOT to say, I'm sure you're thinking, okay...well, what should I say? The truth is, I have no idea. Asking questions is good...for me at least, it helps to explain to you what I know because then I hear it out loud and sometimes it causes you to ask questions that I DON'T know but should so I add that to my list to ask the doctor.

Just a nod and listening is great too. If I've trusted you enough to tell you then you're one of the few and I might just want to bitch and vent about the whole situation, the doctors, DH and I might just want to cry because there's not a damn thing that anyone can do about this. So just an ear to listen and maybe a shoulder to cry on is nice too.

A friendly call or email just to let me know that you're thinking about me is nice too, it might even make me cry. Funny how I'm the complete OPPOSITE of pregnant but I feel like I have the same crazy hormones and ability to cry at the drop of a hat as a pregnant woman does.

Other than that, I don't really know what you CAN say. Just be my friend, don't treat me differently...love me for who I am, fertile or not!

What NOT to say

"You just need to relax!"
OMG! If I hear this one more time, I'm going to SCREAM!!! And quite possibly pull out all the hairs in your head...this is just a warning. When you say this, you make it seem like it's MY fault we aren't pregnant. If you care to read more, read this post here.

"Don't think about it."
Umm...I track every day of my cycle, I can tell you when I started my period for the eight months and how long each cycle was, you really think I can just flip the switch and not think about it?

"Take a vacation."
Sorry saving up for infertility procedures...vacay sounds great but I can't afford it.

"Do you know whose fault it is?"
Yes, I do but I'm not about to share that with you.

"Have you thought about adoption?"
See upcoming post.

"Pray about it."
I have and did you know that every night, I pray for every single infertile woman out there...those that I know personally by name and I always list myself last, if at all. I've prayed and prayed and prayed...

Don't ask me every month, "So..."
Trust me, you'll notice the month I don't have giant bags under my eyes from crying over Flo or instead of being mega-bitch, I'm actually pleasant the entire month so...yeah, you'll know, you don't have to ask.

"I bet it'll happen this month."
Really? I've been telling myself that every month but now that YOU'VE said it then it must really going to happen now.

"I'm sorry...Hang in there."
I'm sorry too but you feeling sorry for me just makes me feel worst.

In all honesty, I appreciate your support and that you care enough to ask. I appreciate that you aren't afraid to broach the forbidden topic of infertility. So thanks for being my friend and loving me despite all my bitchy days of the month and random cryings and ramblings and feel free to tell me to put a sock in it when I start acting like the pregnancy know-it-all to you, deal?

MRI=All Good

Dr. Val herself called me on Tuesday to let me know that my MRI was all good. I was 99.9% sure that it would be. I mentioned when I was younger that I had precocious puberty which is caused by a lesion or tumor on your prolactin gland or is unexplained. Mine was unexplained so I was fairly certain that a lesion/tumor hadn't magically grown on my gland since 7th grade when I last had it checked out and I was right.

So where do we go from here? Well, I have to a fasting prolactin blood test. Luckily, it'll probably be at 8am and I just can't eat anything after midnight so that shouldn't be too bad. I'm just waiting for Dr. Val's office to call me back and let me know when that will be. DH and I also will get the good 'ole regular blood work done plus I have to do something with chicken pox because I've never had them. I had the vaccine in 8th grade but I'm not for sure how long it's good for so Dr. Val told me to look into that before we move forward.

I also scheduled our IVF orientation for the end of August, I'm starting a list of questions...Dr. Val is probably going to hate me after the orientation and I ask so many questions! So that's all I have to report at this time but its a relief to know I'm not walking around with a tumor on in my head!

Who to Tell?

DH and I are totally opposite personalities. Opposites attract, right? I am loud and I'm a talker, I wear my emotions of my sleeve...DH is quieter, a thinker and his face for happy, sad, mad all look the same. When we first started TTC, I didn't tell anyone because I wanted it to be a huge surprise when it happened, well, after January and I knew something was up, I had to talk about it but talking to DH was not helping. His emotionless expression while I cried and repeated, Why? Why? Why? did not help the situation any.

So I branched out to a couple friends. Then a few more then a few more...I wasn't throwing it out there as public information but my friends know me and they could tell something was up. I wasn't going to lie to them or let them watch DH and I fight over who forgot to bring the spoon for the dip at trivia night because Flo arrived and I was a crying hysterical mess as we walked out the door. As I told all of them, I don't mind talking about it but I would appreciate you not talking or discussing it with anyone else or on any social media.

Let me just pause right here and say how awesome and receptive my friends have been. I love you all and each and every one of you have helped me in a different way...some with laughs, some admitting your own struggles and some just nodding and listening. THANK YOU doesn't say enough but it's all I can say.

DH and I were also raised VERY differently. I was raised in a family where we talked to each other about struggles or issues and supported each other no matter what. DH was raised in a family where tears or fears were seen as a sign of weakness. You only went to your parents if you were in MAJOR trouble. So as we entered into the infertility journey, the question came up as to WHEN to tell our parents.

We went back and forth and back and forth...finally, I made the decision to tell my family because I needed some info on my medical history and let me tell you, it was like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. They were all receptive and also, very much guilty of saying, "You just need to relax!"I did tell my sister a few times, "Oh whatever...you wouldn't know, you got pregnant the first month you tried!" She understood where I was coming from and, as it runs in our family, she too began to research and seek out advice from others in similar situations to help me out. All I can say is my family is awesome.

We haven't told DH's family and I don't know if or when we will, its his decision and his information to tell. We've discussed it a little more and if we try IVF, we might tell them AFTER we try, successful or not, then that way they know the truth if it happens and if it doesn't, it will be a long time before we try again because of finances so the case will be open and shut.

False Hope

About 2 weeks before our first appointment with Dr. Val, it was day 29 of my normal 25-28 day cycle, I tried not to get my hopes and think about it too much but some random thoughts couldn't help but cross my mind. I told myself I'd wait until later this week to go get a test, sure enough 8pm Sunday night here comes Flo. This is the closest we've ever been to being pregnant and we weren't even close at all. Cried, usually I don't cry each month when Flo comes, I'm kind of used to it, but with the faint hope of a late period this month, I cried, I cried hard. DH was actually very supportive, holding me as I cried and told him everything that had been in my mind this weekend. Then we watched tv and something was on about kids and moms and I said, "I think I'd be a good mom...pause...but I won't ever get the chance." More tears, DH looks at me and says, "I know you'll be a good mom." We've never talked about being "mom" or being "dad" because we don't want to get our hopes up, I mean we did in the beginning when we were trying but not since like December have we discussed it that way. Wow-another punch in the stomach.

The next day, it was like for a small two day period, I thought to myself maybe I just overreacted and had "slapped that label" on us too soon and we aren’t really going through this, I’m just being impatient. Then this morning it was like back to reality and that hopeless feeling.

Excited to See Flo

So back in March when I made the appointment to see the fertility doctor, I decided I was going to do something positive for me, something that I could succeed at, something to take my mind off this crazy IF world I was entering...I decided to run a half marathon. I am in no way, shape or form a runner nor do I pretend to be so this alone was going to be a task.

I can happily tell you that this past Saturday, I completed my first half marathon and under my goal of three hours with a time of 2 hours 46 minutes and 42 seconds. It was a pretty awesome day! Prior to the race, my ovulation calendar was telling me that I was supposed to start my period on race day-ugh...not what I wanted!!! Luckily, Friday night before I went to bed, Flo arrived and for the first time in 8 months, I was actually excited to see her. Funny how those things work out.

I must tell you that I've really enjoyed the training and running. It HAS given me something to focus on instead of not getting pregnant and hopefully it's making me a healthier person which has to be good, right? I plan on taking a rest week and then finding my next running goal which may take me up to the month where we decide to try IVF, weird to think about, hmm...

If you ARE pregnant

If you are pregnant, I'm happy for you-really! I am! But please, don't start off by announcing to me, "I didn't know how to tell you this. I know that you've been trying and having issues..." Yes, we have been trying and yes, we are having issues but we don't need to reiterate that. And when you say, "I didn't know how to tell you." Well, that right there gives it away.

You're pregnant-awesome, just because I can't have a baby doesn't mean that I'm not happy for you. Yes, I may be bitter for a day or two, I might randomly cry throughout the next few days, I may even throw out comments to DH about how unfair it is and WHY not us but I'm still really happy for you!

If fact, after I get over my 2-3 day "Why Not Me???" period, I'll probably be your biggest cheerleader. I'll be the annoying one saying, "OH I have this one pregnant friend that had this..." or "I heard that morning sickness means..."

But face the facts, I'm a baby deprived momma so when your little bundle of joy arrives, guess what? I won't mind babysitting for you from time to time and when I'm in the store and see an adorable outfit too cute to pass up, I'll think of you and being the coupon clipper that I am, I'll even save formula and diaper coupons for you.

So please, if you're pregnant don't be afraid to tell me.

My MRI

So this morning I went to get my MRI done to check out my prolactin gland. I'd had MRIs before when I tore my ACL back in high school so I was actually looking forward to it. I remember them being so relaxing and falling asleep so I figured I'd get a little break in my day with a nap, right?

I'd purposely worn a sports bra, tshirt and shorts and had left my wedding ring and other jewelry at home in hopes that they wouldn't make me wear a gown and I'd be all good to go. I get in the room, take out my last couple earrings as the tech asks me some questions and explains the procedure to me. Then he tells me to lay down and I didn't even have to take my shoes off, I was a little bummed about that.

Then as I'm laying down and he's rising the thing so I can slide into the big machine, he says, "We'll do about 10 minutes of testing then I'll pull you out, give you your IV and we'll do 10 more minutes." Wait a minute! Hold up! Since when do you get an IV for an MRI? Apparently when you're checking out your head and not your knee-sucky! As I'm about to go in, he also throws out, "Oh I'm going to put this thing on you like a football helmet."

Great! The whole time I was in there I get thinking I looked like an insane asylum patient and when he pulled me out to start the IV, I felt super fat like I had 14 chins since I was stuck in this helmet thing. Then the IV tech was there so I asked, "Would it be okay if I sat up to watch?" I've always been a watcher-I like to know what's going on and in my body especially when it inflicts pain. Know what she said, "No...I prefer if you just lay down."

Seriously? So here I am in insane asylum patient position, football helmet on and I can't even see my arm, only feel the blood draining to my hand. I closed my eyes and told myself, "This is what you have to do to have a baby" and then I rationalized that if I were to ever get pregnant I won't be able to see everything going on...down there, so this is good preparation. I started asking them what the difference between a CT Scan and an MRI were and that quickly passed the time and then it was done.

So step one towards having a baby....MRI-check! Just have to wait to see what the doctor says and start some meds. At least I feel like we're doing something, right?

Planning-HA! What a Joke!

So when we started TTC, I had it all planned out in my head. We'd start in October and be pregnant by December. I hadn't quite figured out how we'd tell our immediate families but for our Christmas card list, I was going to put, Happy Holidays! P.S. We're pregnant! This is how we announced our engagement so I thought how fitting, super cute, I'm all about tradition-it was going to be great.

Did I mention that my best friend got pregnant in September as did another good friend? Awesome! I was super excited when I found out because I was going to be pregnant with them. I mean, how much fun would it be to be pregnant with your best friends. To sit around together or on the phone comparing stories, "No my stretch marks are bigger than your stretch marks...no really, I measure, 4 inches-top that!" I mean it would be amazing!

I'd be 27 when baby #1 came out, then we'd wait 4 years and start for #2 and I'd be 31-32ish, things were going to work out great. I'd even started thinking about who would watch the baby. I had this person in mind who would do a fantastic job, she actually started her own at home daycare in January.

See, I had it all planned out...HA! WHAT A JOKE!!!

Facts and Figures from Dr. Val

In case you were wondering, here are some facts and figures from Dr. Val's office that she gave us.

From 2002-2008

Clinical Pregnancies 664/1315 (50%)

Delivered Pregnancies 582/1315 (44%)

Multiple Delivered Pregnancies 193/582 (33%)

So basically, it's a 50/50 shot...encouraging, huh?

Dr. Val also gave us some information on ARC which is a program that hmm...how to explain, well basically, it's like taking a gamble on IVF. Basically, if we go through ARC, you can choose different plans (1 cycle, 2 cycles, 3 cycles, etc...) and you have to pay them all up front for your IVF. If it isn't successful, you get SOME money back. If say you do a 2 cycle plan and get pregnant on your first cycle, well then you just paid double. I'm not 100% sure how this works, I'll post more about it as I get details.