The Update That Isn't Really an Update

So yesterday was day 1 of my period so I called Dr. Val's office to set up my trial embryo transfer and sonalhis only to find out that Dr. Val is out of the office this week and next. I can either wait until my next cycle or have another doctor in the department do this. I tried getting ahold of DH who is on man-cation with his best friend this week for 2.5 hours!?! Let's think about this, day 1 of my period, first major decision with our IVF, add in PMS and a headache from hell...not a good combination!!!

Since I couldn't get ahold of DH, I finally told the office someone else can do it because we want to stay on track for our IVF in October. When DH finally calls me back, he makes the comment, "Everything is so urgent with you." Then I, as calmly as possible which wasn't very calm at all, explained to him what was going on and then he felt really awful. He assured me that I made the right decision and that's what he would have said too.

Once that's done, headache from hell turns into massive migraine and as I'm laying in bed with an ice pack on my head, I realize-wait, if a different doc does the trial transfer then what's the point since Dr. Val will be doing the actual IVF. UGH! Why didn't I think of that earlier? Um...because I was in a panic frenzy that's why.

So this morning, I call DH back and explain that to him. We decide to call Dr. Val's office and let them know what we're thinking. I leave a message, go to work and come back to a message saying we could wait until September for this procedure (which is nice since we'll have the orientation on August 26 and know WAY more info). BUT that the doctor's all rotate weeks that they do IVF so Dr. Val may not even be the one that does our IVF!?! So really, we're just working with the entire office and Dr. Val will just be the one preparing us for the IVF.

I'm a little disappointed that we're basically still at the wait stage, I'm excited for the orientation and I know that my little OCD self needs to be prepared to get a little off schedule. I mean I should know better than anyone that things don't go according to plan because if they did, I'd have just given birth to my own child. So patience....patience...I'll keep telling myself that.

Tink, Tink!

Hello! I'm here, I promise! Just nothing to update you on really. Waiting on Aunt Flo to get here so I can call and schedule my procedure and fun stuff and make our first payment. I'm anxious to get started but hesitate too because I hate doctors "being down there."

I also took a slight break from this blog because I can't re-iterate enough how this is MY blog for ME. It is MY true feelings and thoughts. I'm scared, I'm angry, I'm anxious, I'm excited and that's just the start of my feelings. Some days I'm positive, some days I'm negative, some days I'm confused and most days I'm just really overwhelmed. This blog allows me to write about all of this so that I don't let these feelings take over my life, this is my journal for me, my thoughts, my feelings. I understand if you don't want to read this but I want to write it.

With all that being said, sorry I've been gone but I needed to get away from the IF world since nothing's going on with us and just take a break. So that my friends is where I'm at...where are all of you? Enjoying summer I hope! Please let me know what you've been up to.

Reason, Season or Lifetime

Well, we all know that God has a plan for us...the fertiles out there want to tell us that all the time, right? Well, I may be a believer...for the time being.

I have a friend who I met in high school and we worked together. After college, we both kind of went our ways and fell out of touch. When I moved back into the area, we met up a couple of times but that was it. Then this past December, we met up for lunch and both realized that we were possibly entering the world of IF.

After that, we emailed our frustrations to each other, helped each other translate our doctor's words, exchanged IF books, met for dinners and lunches to say hey and find out how our journeys were going...it was honestly a great relief to have someone going through the same (yet totally different) thing.

This past week, my friend lost her one-of-a-kind brother in what can only be described as a tragedy. My heart is just aching for her and her family and I'm trying to do everything possible to help them out. On the day that I found out, I told DH, "Maybe God is having both of us go through IF because it brought us back together. Maybe God wanted me to be here to help her through this time. Maybe that's why we're going through this..." Maybe this is the answer to all my whys that I've been asking over the past few months...

This reminds me of a poem (and forward that I used to get all the time) that has stuck with me and I honestly find to be very true...

People come into your life
for a reason, a season or a lifetime.

When you figure out which one it is,
you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON. . .
It is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty,
to provide you with guidance and support,
to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are!
They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then, without any wrongdoing on your part,
or at an inconvenient time, this person will say
or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die.

Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met,
our desire fulfilled, their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered.
And now it is time to move on.

Then people come into your life for a SEASON....
Because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons
: things you must build upon in order to have
a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
and put what you have learned to use in all
other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Unknown Author

So please, I don't ask for this often, but please send any prayers, if you're the praying type, and positive thoughts for my friend and her family. Thanks...

Test Results

Finally some good news after a day of awful news yesterday (un-IF related)! I talked to Dr. Val's office this morning about our test results. DH and I are both STD free-whew (actually no worries there so that was no suprise). I AM immune to chicken pox-woohoo!!! Party, party, party!!! No chicken pox for me.

But the BEST news of all...my prolactin was 13!!! What I've been told is that under 23 is normal and my last two tests were 25 and 33 so I'm really excited. This means no medicine for me which I think may have been in shot form so WOO-flippin'-HOO!!! So moving forward from here, on day one of my next period, I call and set up some tests and then pay the first half of our IVF. This will probably be the first week or so of August. Then our orientation will be on August 26 and the ball will really get rollin'.

So happy to hear some good news and I was actually able to take my time and talk to the nurse today so I feel much better about everything!

Angry

I hate IF...with a passion. Besides the huge financial, emotional, relationship-al toll it's taken on me and my marriage, it's turned me into a bitter person. I'm kind of at the point where pregnancy announcement or pregnant women don't really bother me any more, I've come to terms with it but then sometimes it'll hit me, and hit me hard out of no where.

So I was supposed to start my period either Thursday or Friday. It didn't come Thursday so all day Friday I'm waiting for it...nothing. Saturday, I wake up nothing. Now I should be excited right? OMG! I might be pregnant but I know better and I know that hell would have to freeze over before I become pregnant naturally so instead of being excited I'm irritated. Come on body, you're always on time and we're close to starting this IVF process so don't go screwing up on me now. I'm just irritated that it isn't here yet. So all day yesterday and today, I'm doing the TP check, hoping that my period is here and it FINALLY came about 12:30 today-whew!

I'm working when this happens, grab my lunch, heat it up and take one bite when I get called to come show a customer around. So I'm showing her around when I see a lady who comes in all the time, has a one year old and I notice she's pregnant again. I feel the anger and frustration growing inside me while I act like nothing's wrong at all.

It just pisses me off that so many people out there just decide they want to be pregnant or accidentally get pregnant. They have no idea about the people struggling through IF and how they would like a "normal" getting pregnancy story. They don't know all the emotions, finances, frustrations that IF couples go through. I mean, yes, I know there are emotions, finances and frustrations with couples when they are pregnant and have a child(ren) but IF gets to go through all of that without even being pregnant! And IF couples may go through all that and NEVER GET PREGNANT!!!

I'm not angry at pregnant women, I'm angry at IF. I'm angry at the situation, I hate the fact that I can't get pregnant on my own. That I can't make my own decision to get pregnant. That I have to consult my doctor and 500 other medical experts to TRY to get pregnant. That I now censor myself to not make, "When I'm pregnant..." or "When I'm a parent..." statements. So anyways, the whole basis of this post was that IF has turned me into a bitter woman.

Past October

We scheduled our IVF orientation in August. I'm anxious about it...I have so many questions about the procedure, the time frame, the success...I just can't wait for it to get here. With that being said, I'm also starting to kind of freak out because I'm a planner. I know in IF, planners aren't allowed.

As I've said before, I'm a...runner (kind of, it took all my might to type that because I really just feel like a runner wannabe) and there's so great races in December but I can't plan for it until after the IVF. I know you can still exercise but if it works I plan on being extremely careful, I'm going to try to not even sneeze hard.

My best friend is getting married in Florida in October which is at the start of my cycle so now I'm waiting for orientation to know what the time commitment is so I can know if I can go.

I need to know how much time to plan to be off work.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining about putting in the time. I know if I want a baby this is what I have to do. I just want the orientation to get here so I have a better idea what to expect. I hate not having control. I hate not knowing. I just want to know past October...

Starting to Freak Out

So today I called to get the results of our blood work that we both had done last week. Let me first off say that I love Dr. Val's office because when I call, I know someone will follow up with me in about an hour. What I hate-why am I calling to get test results? Shouldn't you be calling me? But I don't dwell on it because I'm getting my info...I'm just having to ask for it-fair enough. I just hate when they call because I give them my cell because I don't want to talk to them at my desk so the whole office can hear so I have to grab my cell and dart outside!

So they are still waiting on my prolactin results and to see if I have antibodies against chicken pox (never had it, had vaccine in 8th grade) and a couple of the tests from DH's tests. She tells me after that is done we'll start the practice embryo transfer some other tests and then I need to be financially "cleared" before we schedule a date. She transfers me to the finance lady who I leave a message for.

Okay, let me pause...we scheduled our orientation for August 26. So I'm sure they'll go over all this stuff at the orientation and everything she mentioned sounded vaguely familiar from the first meeting with Dr. Val. As soon as I hang up the phone leaving the message for the finance lady, I start to freak out! I mean we're going for it, there's no turning back now, it's forward march which is exciting and scary at the same time.

Within 20 minutes, the finance lady calls me back to tell me once I've been medically "cleared" then they need a deposit of $5,108 and then on the day of the transfer the remaining balance is due not to mention we have to pay for the meds sometime in there. Okay, now I'm even more confused...wait for the rest of our blood work, schedule a practice transfer, be medically cleared, then financially cleared then schedule the IVF...as I hung up the phone all I could think was being an adult sucks.

This is the first major "medical" issue I've had to face on my own (AKA with hubs and my parents not involved). I hate not knowing what's going on and when they call and I'm talking quietly outside the office, I can't ask the questions I want and I don't want to be like, "What the hell are you talking about?" So I sat down tonight and emailed Dr. Val, I don't have high hopes that she'll email back, but basically I told her your office is telling me to do 500 things and our orientation isn't until the end of August so can you or someone in your office please just email me back and let me know what to do from here? I do like the fact of making two payments to space them out.

So after the minor freak out, which I was quickly distracted and forgot about once I walked back into the office, I called DH during lunch. Originally, he said let's wait to do all this stuff (the MRI, blood work, etc...) until after the orientation but I had told him I thought we needed to get the ball rolling if we wanted to try this fall so they had time, he FINALLY stated on the phone at lunch, "Wow babe, good thing you decided to get us started early!" Yeah, sometimes I do know what I'm talking out...even if I'm freaking out.