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Saturday, July 3, 2010

Angry

I hate IF...with a passion. Besides the huge financial, emotional, relationship-al toll it's taken on me and my marriage, it's turned me into a bitter person. I'm kind of at the point where pregnancy announcement or pregnant women don't really bother me any more, I've come to terms with it but then sometimes it'll hit me, and hit me hard out of no where.

So I was supposed to start my period either Thursday or Friday. It didn't come Thursday so all day Friday I'm waiting for it...nothing. Saturday, I wake up nothing. Now I should be excited right? OMG! I might be pregnant but I know better and I know that hell would have to freeze over before I become pregnant naturally so instead of being excited I'm irritated. Come on body, you're always on time and we're close to starting this IVF process so don't go screwing up on me now. I'm just irritated that it isn't here yet. So all day yesterday and today, I'm doing the TP check, hoping that my period is here and it FINALLY came about 12:30 today-whew!

I'm working when this happens, grab my lunch, heat it up and take one bite when I get called to come show a customer around. So I'm showing her around when I see a lady who comes in all the time, has a one year old and I notice she's pregnant again. I feel the anger and frustration growing inside me while I act like nothing's wrong at all.

It just pisses me off that so many people out there just decide they want to be pregnant or accidentally get pregnant. They have no idea about the people struggling through IF and how they would like a "normal" getting pregnancy story. They don't know all the emotions, finances, frustrations that IF couples go through. I mean, yes, I know there are emotions, finances and frustrations with couples when they are pregnant and have a child(ren) but IF gets to go through all of that without even being pregnant! And IF couples may go through all that and NEVER GET PREGNANT!!!

I'm not angry at pregnant women, I'm angry at IF. I'm angry at the situation, I hate the fact that I can't get pregnant on my own. That I can't make my own decision to get pregnant. That I have to consult my doctor and 500 other medical experts to TRY to get pregnant. That I now censor myself to not make, "When I'm pregnant..." or "When I'm a parent..." statements. So anyways, the whole basis of this post was that IF has turned me into a bitter woman.

3 comments:

Conceptionally Challenged said...

(hugs)
It makes me bitter, too. There were several pregnant women at the conference this week, and I just wanted to avoid them. Not their fault, of course, but I just didn't want to deal with it.

kayee said...

I know EXACTLY how you feel. I have become sooo bitter.
This weekend I was told by someone that "I think I'm going to have another baby." Just like that. It must be so nice to just decide to have a baby and it happens. I must have not gotten the invitation to that BABY MAKING 101 class.

JC said...

I hear ya. I feel the same way and IF has turned me into a different/bitter person too. I hate it!