Thursday, January 6, 2011

My Meeting with the Pastor

Thursday, the day after the BFN, I went to visit with a pastor/family friend of ours. It went much better than expected because 1. I was able to talk through tears. 2. I didn't cry nearly as much as I thought I would. and 3. I walked away feeling just a little bit better.

A brief review of what we discussed:

Me: I understand that God has a plan for everyone but why would He have this be our plan and cause us so much heartache.

Pastor: He really didn't have a direct answer for this but he did assure me that this was normal feelings. It was okay to be upset and ask why. It's all in how I respond to it. I should take time to grieve and heal. DH and I should pray about what to do next, take our time and don't let others rush us, and see what God leads us to do.

Me: I know this is a little late but God's already told me that we can't have a child naturally. So by doing IVF am I trying to get around God? (This one has really been weighing on my mind).

Pastor: He personally believes that God gives us science and knowledge for a reason. He 100% thinks that we should try IVF if that's what's in our hearts and where God is leading us. He says if it gets to a point financially or emotionally where we can't handle it then that's when we may not really be listening to God and should re-evaluate.

Me: Since we're taking some time off, I'm really dreading the "trying" every month. All you IFers know how much it takes out of you and takes away the intimacy and it just sucks. My fear is that if we DON'T try every month then we'll miss our chance to fulfill the 2%.

Pastor: Life is short. Part of a marriage is intimacy. If we can handle it emotionally, then go ahead and try but if you can't, just enjoy life and if it happens during ovulation then it does.

A big issue in our marriage, even before we started trying, is that we can't find a church we both agree on. The pastor and I discussed this and he's going to try to help us find a church in our area (about 2 hours from where he's at). That's a huge relief. Hopefully DH will go for what he finds. I REALLY need to work on my relationship with God before we go through another cycle.

We also discussed other things. He thinks we should really think about switching to Dr. K. He thinks we should take our time and not let others rush us to our next "move." He was really sweet and asked how DH was handling it. He let me know that he was more than welcome to call him too. It was nice to talk to someone and just let it all out.

On the night we found out about the BFN, my good friend's dad called me to let me know he was sorry and that he was still going to pray for us (the same dad from when I went to Florida). He didn't make me feel better but he just said the perfect thing. He said that some people don't understand that a failed cycle whether it be IVF, IUI or any other treament or way is just as hard as a miscarriage or losing a child after birth. It's so true! While I may have only carried our embryos for a day, a week or maybe just an hour, they were still mine, they were the closest I've ever been to being a mother.

The pastor prayed with me as we finished. Then he told me a Bible verse that really kind of hit home, Romans 8:28, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." I had told him that you know maybe my calling was to bring knowledge to others about infertility and at some point maybe help raise funds for others. That's when he said this verse. Of course, we hope that the "good" is a baby in the future for DH and I but also that I do "good" by informing others.

I don't know if any of this makes sense to you all, I may have phrased it wrong but it made me feel just a bit better and have a little understanding. Anyways, its one step of healing that I needed.


COME ON BABY said...

Your Pastor seems like a lovely man. I am happy to hear he offered you some comfort. It's always nice when someone listens to you with with an open heart and mind. xoxo

Anonymous said...

I'm glad you posted this. And thanks for sharing what you two talked about. It sounds like it was even helped me reading it =). I'll be praying for you guys. We went back to church last Sunday too (after I refused to go for months b/c of my IF/pain/greiving). I'm hoping my sense of peace about things sticks around.

Shawna said...

Your post moved me, again. They are always so special. The Bible verse brought tears to my eyes. Most of the time, I think we all feel alone. And it has helped so much having your support. Thank you so much for everything you have done and said to me. I pray for a miracle baby for us both.

Shawna said...

BTW- I am in love with your new background!!!

Jessica White said...

I'm glad you had such a good meeting with your pastor....I struggled a lot with the (still do) idea of us having circumvented nature and using donor sperm to have a child: But, only God can create life...regardless of everything we may do.

Here's another verse that has helped me:
New International Version (©1984)
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
2 Cor 12:9

Kim said...

I love your new blog design! and aI am so happy you shared the dialgoue between you and your pastor. I liked his answers and they helped bring a sense of calm and relief upon me. So thank you, I think many of us share the same questions and fears as it pertains the religion God and crossing boundries. xoxoxoxoxox

Angie said...

Your pastor does seem like a great man. I lost my relationship with and faith in God long ago (not regarding a baby, something else that happened to me when I was 12). A priest actually told me God would send me to Hell for what happened to me. That was 20 years ago. (OMG I just realized that was 20 years ago) As far as I know, nothing positive has come out of my situation. I would love to talk to your Pastor and get his take on things. 20 years later and I'm still pondering "why" I'm so glad you have him in your life. xoxo