Monday, January 17, 2011

I Know I'm Not & Maybe Won't

All you IF ladies out there, I'm sure you've said, "I know I'm not a parent..." Well, I always follow up with, "I know I'm not a parent, and maybe won't be..." Part of this is to let the person I'm talking to know that I'm in touch with reality and understand I have a, wait for it..."50-50" chance of being a mother. Another part is for me to be honest with myself and understand, I may NOT ever be a parent. Before our IVF cycle, I felt like I had to throw that in there, just to clarify I understood that but I didn't really believe it. I felt like the IVF would work and I would be a parent and I was just being over-dramatic.

Since the BFN, I've heard myself say it again, "I know I'm not a parent and maybe won't be..." but this time I feel different when I say it. I feel like there's truth behind that second part. Our IVF cycle failed, we've got three totsicles and then our chances of having a child are a few years away IF we decide to go through all this again. When I was talking to DH about something last week and made this comment, that's when I recognized this feeling and for the first time, DH didn't get upset or exasperated with me when I said so maybe he's accepting it too. Weird how in just a month's time, your entire mind set can change.


Jessica White said...

IF has an astounding way of changing how you view EVERYthing: Hope the "won't be", never becomes reality.

Anonymous said...

I am new to your blog and say this post... I can't say anything to take your pain away but know what you express is felt by others too; at least it holds true to me. I think the feeling of a 'failed' IVF cycle is so different and speaks to us so differently than a natural cycle or IUI. It's a terrible feeling. I am sorry you are dealing with this as well.