Believe!

Jen just bought a necklace off Etsy so I decided to go take a gander myself. OMG! So many options, I was totally overwhelmed. I know there are lots of signs of infertility/fertility but the main one I stick to is the pomegranate. I browsed all the options, found one store Bugaboo Jewelry that I absolutely loved. I emailed her the piece I liked, told her what I wanted and she designed it for me! I absolutely love it!!! Here's the final product (she sent me the pics):

I've said before but one of my main goals before our FET is to be more positive. Hopefully with this reminder around me neck to BELIEVE, it will help me keep a positive mindset.

Thanks for the idea Jen!

Awards All Around!

I got two awards! How exciting!!! Howver, if you know me IRL then you know that I'm ANYTHING but stylish. I'm more of the jeans, tshirt and hair in a pony kind of gal. But I've grateful for the award and want to send a big thank you to Christa over at I Can't Control Everything and Bridget at Our Lost Stork.

The rules for accepting this award are:

1. Thank and link back to the person who awarded you the award.

2. Share 7 things about yourself.

3. Award 15 other bloggers.

4. Contact these bloggers and tell them about the award.


7 Things About Myself

1. Despite having run a half and full marathon last year and having two half marathons this spring, I absolutely HATE running.
2. If you read my non-IF blog then you know this but I have an ABSOLUTE obsession with peanut butter-I heart it!
3. I went to Egypt in November 2007 and depending on how the FET goes this fall, I may be headed to Japan or China in spring 2012. My mom and I love to travel and our goal is to visit all 7 continents.
4. I never know what to with my hair...at any length.
5. I have one older sister and we're as opposite as night and day. Me-brunette, her-blonde. Me-loud, her-quiet. Me-infertile, her-prego first try. I love her so much and she takes good care of me!
6. My sister is 8 years older than me, my stepsister is 8 years younger than me so my poor dad gets done with one of us then he has to start over again!
7. I heart blog friends-they're the best!

15 of my favorite blogs!
(In no particular order and I'm going to try not to repeat but I'm sorry if I do!).
1. Shawna-heart this girl and love that aside from IVF that we have in common, we also have the same clinic!
2. Bobbi-I just found her blog but feel we have similiar journeys.
3. Bridget-love her banner! Tagging you for the Stylish Award.
4. Kim-she always knows the right things to say.
5. Michelle-this lady tells it like it is and I love it!
6. SLESE-she's raw, she tells the truth and I share so many of the same feelings as her.
7. Jess-probably one of the first ladies to EVER comment on my blog and I heart her!
8. Jen-I smile and love all of her sweet, sweet comments.
9. Jill-oh the emails we've shared! I love that she doesn't mind dropping an F-bomb for me from time to time, heart her too!
10. Kimberly-she was such an inspiration to me during my IVF cycle-thank you!
11. Kelly-just started following her blog and she's in the middle of a cycle so fingers crossed!
12. Ashley-currently prego from FET, she's giving me hope.
13. Cece-whose followed my journey and encouraged me along the way.
14. Katie-such an amazing woman!
15. Mrs. D-Again, amazing and an inspiration!

Have fun blogging about your award ladies!

Finally, the B**** is here

I went to bed last night, no Flo. Woke up at midnight went potty and she was there. DH came to bed about an hour later and I vaguely remember mumbling to him that she'd arrived. Just to show you why I'm so upset about her being late, here's my list of cycle lengthss since we started trying.

10/4/2009 29
11/1/2009 28
11/29/2009 28
12/25/2009 26 (Christmas!)
1/20/2010 26
2/16/2010 27
3/13/2010 25 (My birthday!)
4/11/2010 29
5/8/2010 27
6/5/2010 28 (My half marathon!)
7/3/2010 28
7/29/2010 26
8/27/2010 29
9/22/2010 26
10/17/2010 25 (Florida!)
11/22/2010 36-first part of IVF, was on lupron
12/25/2010 33-after ET, on PIO
1/25/2011 31-first period after IVF, no drugs in body other than prenats

I'm going to chalk this period up to a "recovery" cycle but Flo, you'd better show up on time for the next 6 months or we're going to rumble. Funny, when you're TTC you usually hope that AF DOESN'T come. For me though? I hope she shows on time, every month because I know it's not going to happen naturally so for me, Flo showing up on time let's me know that my body is "okay" and "on track" for when we do the FET. Thanks for the encouragement for Flo to get here.

FYI-I've been a mess of emotions lately over FET and what happens after that.

Post IVF Period

What was everyone else's like? Was it longer than normal? Pre-IVF, my period was always 26-29 days long. If my period had started yesterday, it would have been 28 days. Today is CD 29 and nothing. I'm going to be really pissed if all those drugs and stuff messed me up because my periods were ALWAYS normal. GRR!!! Dr. Val said not to freak out unless they ar 35+ days long. If my period's still not here by noon tomorrow (day 30), I'm going to call Mary and ask her if this is normal or happens to other people.

Please if you've had a failed IVF cycle, let me know how long your cycle was after the BFN. Thanks ladies!

I Heart Blogging!!!

Today I got to meet Shawna for lunch at one of my favorite restaurants-double score!!! We're actually both going through the same clinic and her doc, Dr. K, is the one that did my ER. It was great to talk to someone who knows EXACTLY what's going on. I heart all my friends who ask me lots of questions and I don't mind answering but to chat with someone whose going through the exact same thing, with the exact same people-it was pretty cool.

I hope I helped her out by answering some of her questions and I hope I didn't talk too much! LOL On thing that she asked me was how did I find my way to move on after my BFN? I know I've talked about all the crazy emotions I went through but here's what I told her, or at least what I hope she heard! That Wednesday of the BFN, I went through every emotion in the book. And me and God? We were NOT on good terms that evening. I knew at that point after I was feeling hopeless, angry, letdown that I did NOT want to feel that way. I needed to talk to someone because I knew that it was NOT healthy. Even after talking to our pastor friend, I still upset and depressed so I took my time to grieve and I think part of what pulled me out of my funk was NYE and a night out with my friends.

I have made my mind up that I really need to work on being more positive before the FET. I'm feeling really good about Shawna's cycle so I'm crossing my fingers, legs, hair, eyes for her. It was great to meet her and I hope we have many more lunches together!

I Know I'm Not & Maybe Won't

All you IF ladies out there, I'm sure you've said, "I know I'm not a parent..." Well, I always follow up with, "I know I'm not a parent, and maybe won't be..." Part of this is to let the person I'm talking to know that I'm in touch with reality and understand I have a, wait for it..."50-50" chance of being a mother. Another part is for me to be honest with myself and understand, I may NOT ever be a parent. Before our IVF cycle, I felt like I had to throw that in there, just to clarify I understood that but I didn't really believe it. I felt like the IVF would work and I would be a parent and I was just being over-dramatic.

Since the BFN, I've heard myself say it again, "I know I'm not a parent and maybe won't be..." but this time I feel different when I say it. I feel like there's truth behind that second part. Our IVF cycle failed, we've got three totsicles and then our chances of having a child are a few years away IF we decide to go through all this again. When I was talking to DH about something last week and made this comment, that's when I recognized this feeling and for the first time, DH didn't get upset or exasperated with me when I said so maybe he's accepting it too. Weird how in just a month's time, your entire mind set can change.

Trying to Stay Postive

Trying to keep my thoughts positive...

*Picked the lower insurance which will save about $1,000 in 2011.
*Mountain Dew & Excedrin! This was really only the week after the BFN, now I'm on my diet and trying to stay away from sodas.
*My mom had me when she was 29, my sister had my neice when she was 29...if we do the FET in 6-10 months and I get a BFP then I'll be 29 when I'm due so that's gotta be something, right?
*Now I can get in shape, lose weight and be healthier before we try this again. I've got a 42 flight stairclimb in March and a half marathon in May and April so now hopefully I can focus and train well for these.
*I added up all the money spent and the grand total was just shy of $13,000 so I guess stimming faster saved us some money and we have $2,000 more for the next cycle than we expected.

While all these things are great and grand, I'd still rather have my two babies in my belly growing along (I'd be about 7 weeks right now). Trying to stay positive but I really miss them. :(

Your Help Please!!!

I got a new layout, like it? Yeah, I hate changing my layout because it always deletes my blog list-boo!!! So check out my blog list and if you're not on it, leave me your link in a comment so I can add it or if you think there's a MUST follow blog, leave me a link to that too!

Thanks ladies!

My Meeting with the Pastor

Thursday, the day after the BFN, I went to visit with a pastor/family friend of ours. It went much better than expected because 1. I was able to talk through tears. 2. I didn't cry nearly as much as I thought I would. and 3. I walked away feeling just a little bit better.

A brief review of what we discussed:

Me: I understand that God has a plan for everyone but why would He have this be our plan and cause us so much heartache.

Pastor: He really didn't have a direct answer for this but he did assure me that this was normal feelings. It was okay to be upset and ask why. It's all in how I respond to it. I should take time to grieve and heal. DH and I should pray about what to do next, take our time and don't let others rush us, and see what God leads us to do.

Me: I know this is a little late but God's already told me that we can't have a child naturally. So by doing IVF am I trying to get around God? (This one has really been weighing on my mind).

Pastor: He personally believes that God gives us science and knowledge for a reason. He 100% thinks that we should try IVF if that's what's in our hearts and where God is leading us. He says if it gets to a point financially or emotionally where we can't handle it then that's when we may not really be listening to God and should re-evaluate.

Me: Since we're taking some time off, I'm really dreading the "trying" every month. All you IFers know how much it takes out of you and takes away the intimacy and it just sucks. My fear is that if we DON'T try every month then we'll miss our chance to fulfill the 2%.

Pastor: Life is short. Part of a marriage is intimacy. If we can handle it emotionally, then go ahead and try but if you can't, just enjoy life and if it happens during ovulation then it does.

A big issue in our marriage, even before we started trying, is that we can't find a church we both agree on. The pastor and I discussed this and he's going to try to help us find a church in our area (about 2 hours from where he's at). That's a huge relief. Hopefully DH will go for what he finds. I REALLY need to work on my relationship with God before we go through another cycle.

We also discussed other things. He thinks we should really think about switching to Dr. K. He thinks we should take our time and not let others rush us to our next "move." He was really sweet and asked how DH was handling it. He let me know that he was more than welcome to call him too. It was nice to talk to someone and just let it all out.

On the night we found out about the BFN, my good friend's dad called me to let me know he was sorry and that he was still going to pray for us (the same dad from when I went to Florida). He didn't make me feel better but he just said the perfect thing. He said that some people don't understand that a failed cycle whether it be IVF, IUI or any other treament or way is just as hard as a miscarriage or losing a child after birth. It's so true! While I may have only carried our embryos for a day, a week or maybe just an hour, they were still mine, they were the closest I've ever been to being a mother.

The pastor prayed with me as we finished. Then he told me a Bible verse that really kind of hit home, Romans 8:28, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." I had told him that you know maybe my calling was to bring knowledge to others about infertility and at some point maybe help raise funds for others. That's when he said this verse. Of course, we hope that the "good" is a baby in the future for DH and I but also that I do "good" by informing others.

I don't know if any of this makes sense to you all, I may have phrased it wrong but it made me feel just a bit better and have a little understanding. Anyways, its one step of healing that I needed.

Dr. Val & FET

Seriously, if I hear "it's 50-50" one more time then I might scream!!! Last night was the doctor's round table to discuss how my cycle went. I was waiting all day for Dr. Val to call so at noon I called and left my work number. Of course, she called during our weekly staff meeting! I call back and about an hour later, she calls me on my cell on my way home.

To sum things up, she thinks things "went beautifully" with my stim process, she might have added one more day but other than that thought it went great. We have 3 "really good" looking totsicles so they suggest moving forward with the FET. I asked if we did this, could we put all three in instead of just two (so that we don't have to pay for another full FET cycle with only one embryo). She said of course (Sorry I forgot the figure!) but basically when they thaw them out that not all could make it so hell-we may not have ANY!

After discussing how my stimming went, she went on to say her famous, "it's 50-50" phrase. I asked her what that meant, like 50% that it could have been DH's sperm or 50% my body rejecting it. She said that there's a 50% success rate with my age so 50% get pregnant and 50% don't (I think 50 is her favorite word). She also told me that she can't ever guarantee me 100% like that I'll be on the other end of the 50% next time. She said sometimes women get pregnant on the first time and then on the second time they don't.

She explained to me again about the FET, how it cost less, was less time (only about a month) and less meds. She said there was no difference between doing it right away and waiting 6-10 months. I told her our game plan and she said she filled out the paperwork so I just had to call in May to get on the schedule.

I was wishy-washy about the FET, not that I don't want to do it, I'm just trying to be positive about it. But after hearing the whole 50-50 speech...again and that not all our totsicles may not make it, it kind of makes me sad. I may build up all this hope and excitement for our FET only for them to thaw them out and nothing. For those that have done a FET, at what point do they thaw them? The week of ET or before you cycle? Like would I have to do all the drugs and then find out nothing?

OH! And before we hung up, since she was gone and missed the whole "missed meds" freakout/adventure that we had. I told her briefly what happened and sung my high praises of Dr. Miyagi. She said she's be sure to pass that on to him, umm...I was just wanting to let you know since you're kind of like his "boss." Great, now I'm going to look like the freak lady whose obsessed. Sorry Dr. Miyagi-I'm just trying to help you out!

She went on to tell me that unless my periods are weird (longer than 35 days) then she'll just hear from me in May. And so the waiting continues...

For the Love!

We need a BFP around here ladies!!! So whose it going to be? Someone take one for the team! In all seriousness, I really hope all of our luck gets turned around...SOON! I've read about one too many BFNs lately and I'm praying every night for you ladies so hopefully some prayers will be answered soon.

Whew-blowing baby dust out into the IF Blog Land!

2011 So Far & The Banana Thief

Well, I rang it in with a beer and a hockey game. While I would have preferred to ring it in with a hot chocolate on the couch and two babies in my belly, I still had a great time with awesome friends. 2011 so far has been bananas-seriously!!!

Saturday we spent the day home and lounging and I made a GREAT dinner for us if I do say so myself. Sunday we got up and headed to church but on the way there, I realized that the renewal tag for my license plate had fallen off so I spent most of church stressing about that-ugh!

Monday I headed back to work, it was a busy day catching up with everyone, working and trying to find the banana thief. What you ask? Well, on Friday I brought in 5 bananas so that DH wouldn't eat them at home. I don't think I've ever addressed it here but DH has a tendency to eat my lunch and other things I plan on eating. This morning, I found that one banana was missing!?! Here is the email I sent to my co-workers:

"Hello all! I hope you had a great and wonderful holiday. Today I’m starting my half-marathon training and diet-woohoo! Part of my diet is to eat a banana every morning. Last Friday, I brought in 5 bananas and left them on my desk in hopes that DH wouldn’t eat them. I come in today and one is missing! Apparently now I have to worry about my husband eating my bananas at home AND someone eating them off my desk.

Could you please let your staff know that they shouldn’t eat things on people’s desk without their permission? If you know who took this banana, please let them know that they are ruining my diet and I would like it replaced.

Thanks so much for your time and Happy New Year!

PS
I did also have a bag of M&Ms on my desk for camp so kudos to the culprit for making the healthy choice! "

Today I also started my diet and half marathon training. I will have you know that it's now 6:33PM and I've stuck to my diet, didn't drink nearly enough water but I'm happy so far! I was supposed to walk 2 miles, run 1 and walk 2 more but I only walked one mile due to some hella shin splints. I decided to just take it easy and ease into this first week back since I haven't done ANYTHING in 3 months exactly (which was a full marathon!). Hopefully, I'll be able to keep all this up!

So aside from the missing banana and tag for my license plate, 2011 is going well. Now I'm off for some TI that is if I'm even ovulating, guess we'll have to find out!