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Thursday, April 21, 2011

The Wave

The wave...you all know it, everything's fine and dandy, enjoying your day then something happens and you feel that wave of defeat. First off, let me say that I love all my bloggy friends out there. All the love and support you've shown me is amazing. My feelings just come naturally, I don't WANT to feel this way but I do. Whenever I talk to someone IRL or online that knows about our TTC/IVF failure and then they say, "It'll happen for you. You'll be a parent." or something along those lines, I feel the wave starting to creep. My collarbone starts to feel hollow and tingly and the wave of defeat hits me. I go from perfectly happy and normal to defeated and pissed off. Because it may not happen, I may not be a parent. I don't let myself go to "that place" of thinking that it might happen, it hurts too much. The wave also comes when I read about BFPs too and spreading the news and seeing the ultrasound pics because I may not ever get ANY of that. Our life as it is now may be our life forever and while that will be okay (it'll have to be, right?), there will always be something missing. And the wave is different than when we first started TTC and I'd hear about pregnancy announcements because then I would cry and scream and rant that "It's not fair! Why not me!" but now it's the wave of defeat that hits me. Sigh...does this ever get any easier?

7 comments:

SLESE1014 said...

I hate that. The IRL people who haven't been there just don't get it. I wish I had their power of positive thinking or knowing. I always get, "I know you're gonna have a baby." or "I know you'll be a mom soon." Really, how in God's name do you know that? My docs seem to be having a hard time seeing that. Yes it is our goal, but who knows anything for sure!

You're not alone. That feeling of defeat hits me too. It sucks!!!!

I'm not waving at you...or waving you off...just totally getting it!

Baby Hopes said...

I think these posts are so important because they get to the core of how painful infertility is. I feel the same defeat, frustration, and reluctance every time someone tries to assure me that I'll be a mother... that I'll surely be pregnant soon and that something will work. I'm glad that they feel so confidence and I know it comes from a heart of compassion, but I immediately put up a wall... there is no certainty on this end of this journey. Thanks for putting into words what so many of us feel. I've been feeling this a lot lately... I try to express my fears and frustrations and I'm met with the ever optimistic assurances of others to "keep hope... this will work... you'll be a parent." All I can say is that there are many of us here in the same place... and we're here to support you...

COME ON BABY said...

Ahhhh the wave. You have such a great way of explaining this crappy little journey we are on. I freaking love you!!

And I wish my layover was in your state!!!!!!! Just one hug from my fav bloggie girl would set me off on a great trip :)

Krissi said...

The wave is definitely not pretty and it has the power to take away the one thing you need the most and that is hope. I have been there and I'm sorry. I know that nothing comes with gaurantees and that is quite scary! But, there's a world of support out there. It can be comforting to know, many of us have been there and while it doesn't get easier, it does help to get it out so I applaud you for writing such hard truths. I just found your blog and I added your link to mine.

Do I Have to Be a D.I.N.K.? said...

Ugh...I totally know the wave. It is not an easy thing to deal with.

amiracle4us said...

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~Jess said...

I have no words, because I know there aren't any *hugs*