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Saturday, February 5, 2011

Just When I Think I've Accepted It

So I've been focusing on trying to lose weight and being positive for the FET this fall. But the truth is I'm also trying to make our game plan if it doesn't work. I know it's still a long time away and I can change my mind (and I probably will) but I've decided that if FET fails then I'm just done. DH says he wants to try another fresh cycle of IVF when we can afford it but I know a couple years down the road, he won't want to spend the money on that.

I told him that I don't want to be that couple that spends years TTC and end up with nothing. Adoption is not something we want to do so if IVF/FET doesn't work for us, then that's it. I don't want to spend the next 5 years getting my hopes up, having them crushed, watching every little cent, planning life around "well we might have a kid then", etc...etc...

So while I'm trying to be positive, I'm also trying to accept life without children. It's really weird things that I picture like us at church on Christmas Eve 10 years from now without kids, us attending friend's birthday parties without kids, going to baby showers knowing I won't have ever kids, knowing we won't ever have a first day of school to be nervous over or a birthday party to plan, merging our emergency savings account with our future kids savings account-see, just really random things.

And then it's just when I think I'm okay and have accepted the fact that we may not have kids, I hear another pregnancy announcement or see a pregnant woman and the pain starts all over again. I've become...not sure what the word is, either selfish or insensitive, to people who talk about their kids, I try to politely excuse myself from the convo and move on. I mean I don't have anything to add-no advice, no we went through that.

So now I'm off to get ready for work. Tonight I'll be hosting a dance. A dance for dads to bring their daughters and have a "date" together. Just one more of those things that we won't ever be doing...

8 comments:

Kelly said...

I understand how you feel. I keep thinking that if this doesn't work then I don't think I can do anything else. I mean I cannot continue to put myself through this. It is killing me. That is exactly how I felt yesterday. Then I woke up today feeling a little bit more positive (might have something to do with the sun coming out!!). I guess we just have to take it a day at a time. Sending positive thoughts your way!!

Bobbi said...

I felt my heart sinking as I read this post. Motherhood is something nobody should miss out on, ESPECIALLY a woman experiencing infertility. I pray your FET in the Fall works for you because the thought of you living a child-less life makes me truly sad. You have a lot of time between now and the Fall to create a back-up plan because, like you said, your attitude shifts every time you see a pregnant woman or hear a pregnancy announcement. I mean, at the end of the day, you don't want to always have "resentment" towards couples that get pregnant with easy and have a seemingly perfect life. Your life is perfect...there will be a silver lining to this storm of infertility. That is what I tell myself everyday. :)

amiracle4us said...

These thoughts are things we all struggle with daily and it is amazing how they can change so quickly and easily. We talk about our upcoming cycle and what we will do after if it doesn't work and, well we don't yet agree on a scenario. I have realized though recently that instead of investing my thoughts in what to do if it doesn't work, I will invest those thoughts/time into something different and try to think like it will work. Hoping both of our next cycles bring positive results and we can begin the rest of our lives with children :)

Stephany said...

This post made me cry, Alyssa. I am so sorry you have to go through this. You deserve to have a houseful of children and it just SUCKS that you can't.

I'm praying my little heart out that you will have a babe in your arms one day.

Love you.

JC said...

I'm thinking of you and hope things work out. It's so hard to ponder all the what ifs and wonder what life is going to be like. I'm praying the FET works. ((hugs))

Cecilia said...

Girl, I'm so sorry. I wish there was something I could do for you.

Bridget said...

This post made me sad :( There are times I feel like this too and I feel your pain. Keep your chin up- it's going to happen!!

Jess said...

Sorry you are experiencing these tough trials. Never say never. One foot in front of the other. I pray you do get pregnant. Be positive! :)