Just When I Think I've Accepted It

So I've been focusing on trying to lose weight and being positive for the FET this fall. But the truth is I'm also trying to make our game plan if it doesn't work. I know it's still a long time away and I can change my mind (and I probably will) but I've decided that if FET fails then I'm just done. DH says he wants to try another fresh cycle of IVF when we can afford it but I know a couple years down the road, he won't want to spend the money on that.

I told him that I don't want to be that couple that spends years TTC and end up with nothing. Adoption is not something we want to do so if IVF/FET doesn't work for us, then that's it. I don't want to spend the next 5 years getting my hopes up, having them crushed, watching every little cent, planning life around "well we might have a kid then", etc...etc...

So while I'm trying to be positive, I'm also trying to accept life without children. It's really weird things that I picture like us at church on Christmas Eve 10 years from now without kids, us attending friend's birthday parties without kids, going to baby showers knowing I won't have ever kids, knowing we won't ever have a first day of school to be nervous over or a birthday party to plan, merging our emergency savings account with our future kids savings account-see, just really random things.

And then it's just when I think I'm okay and have accepted the fact that we may not have kids, I hear another pregnancy announcement or see a pregnant woman and the pain starts all over again. I've become...not sure what the word is, either selfish or insensitive, to people who talk about their kids, I try to politely excuse myself from the convo and move on. I mean I don't have anything to add-no advice, no we went through that.

So now I'm off to get ready for work. Tonight I'll be hosting a dance. A dance for dads to bring their daughters and have a "date" together. Just one more of those things that we won't ever be doing...