To Switch or Not to Switch?

Okay, so DH and I did virtually NO research on the clinic we're using. Both of our doctors recommended we go there, they are nationally known so that's where we went. Halfway through our IVF cycle, I found out that there's another clinic maybe 10 minutes from my house.

I was irritated we hadn't researched but when I really thought about it, I decided we still would have gone with our current clinic just because we "knew" them, therefore, we would have been more comfortable. We decided we'd go ahead and do our FET with the current clinic because our totsicles are already there and we know what to expect. If it failed, we would at least look into pricing at the other clinic and if we decided to try IVF again then we would go for a consult there before deciding who to do IVF #2 with. In my mind thinking this is a ways away, like 1-2 years at least.

Well, now I'm having doubts/concerns with our current clinic for our FET. I had a failed IVF cycle, another friend had a failed IVF cycle there and another friend has had 4 failed IUIs (all of these within the last 6 months). I know another blogger that went to the other clinic and is pregnant after her first IVF. So let's look at the odds here? See my concern? So sigh...I know we still have time, I still have 2 months before I have to call to get on the schedule but I don't know what to do. Stay with my current clinic for the FET and hope it works? If it fails, then check out the other clinic? Decisions, decisions....I hate them!

UPDATE: I talked to a co-worker last week about the "other" clinic. Her OB said she's hesitate to send people there because the doctor isn't board certified BUT he does think outside the box, so he's good in that sense. See more to think about!!!

She Doesn't Even Know Me!!!

This morning I woke up in a funk, upset at a comment DH made. My good friend B called me to discuss the half marathon we're doing together in May. Then we got to chatting about our hubs and how they sometimes drives us bananas (admit it-yours do too!) then she wanted to tell me a story. She told me when we were going through IVF, she had told her co-workers about it and asked them to pray extra hard for us. She said there was one lady in particular that would ask about me daily and kept telling B she was praying for us. Then B had to break the news to this lady that it didn't work and the lady started crying!!! She told B that she really wanted this to work for us and was upset that it didn't. How sweet is that! She doesn't even know me!?!

I told B to tell her thanks, that we appreciated it and we needed all the prayers we could get. This just totally touches my heart but at the same time it makes me sad. I know SO many people were rooting and praying for us and all we got was a BFN. I've been praying lately, not for our FET to be successful, but for God to give me patience, guidance, and understanding and not to make me a resentful person. So far, I've received none of those prayer requests. It's frustrating but like B told me, maybe the prayers are being answered in another way that I just don't see. Sigh...I wish I could see!!!

Tagged!

Jill from Steps to Baby tagged me =).

Rule #1: the tagged person must write their answers on their blog and replace any question they dislike with a new question formulated by themselves.

Rule #2: tag 4 people to do this quiz; they cannot refuse (ok, so nothing bad will happen if you don’t participate but I would love to see your answers). The tag-ee must state who tagged them.
1. If you have pets, do you see them as merely animals or are they members of your family? Totally members of the family! DH dreads the day when something happens to one of them because he knows I'll be a big 'ole basketcase.

2. If you could have a dream come true, what would it be? To get pregnant naturally but let's be realistic, how about for our FET to work and to bring home a happy, healthy baby!

3. What would you do with a billion dollars? Hmm...do IVF after IVF until it worked, pay off the house, get a new car, start a grant/scholarship to help others going through IF.

4. What helps to pull you out of a bad mood? FOOD! It's bad, I know, but it's true.

5. What is your bedtime routine, with your kids? No kids.

6. If you are currently in a relationship, how did you meet your significant other? The first time we met was in line at a Port-A-Potty but we didn't date for another 7 months! Friends introduced us.

7. What kind of books do you read? Lovey stuff.

8. How do you see yourself in 10 years? Sigh, I wish I knew...

9. What’s your fear? FET won't work which will crush me and I have no idea how our relationship will hold up.

10. Would you give up all junk food for the rest of your life for the opportunity to see outer space? No way!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

11. What’s the first thing you do when you wake up? Let the dogs out then go potty myself.

12. If you could change one thing about your significant other, what would it be? That he communicated better.

13. If you could pick a new name for yourself, what would it be? I like my name because it's different but I hate it because no one can spell or prounounce it correctly. I've always liked the name Katie, not sure why.

14. If you had to choose between six months of sun or six months of rain, what would you choose? Really? This is a question? Who in their right mind would pick rain unless they were a vampire?

15. If you could only eat one thing for the next 6 months, what would it be? Cheese dip.

16. What is the thing you enjoy about blogging the most? Connecting with others going through IF and helping each other-agreed Jill!

17. Do you prefer salty or sweet foods? Both!

18. What items are in your purse right now? What isn't in my purse! LOL

19. If you had to choose between vacationing at the beach or in the mountains where would you go? Although I hate wearing a swimsuit, I think I'd pick beach.

20. What do you watch on television that you know you shouldn’t? Horrible reality shows i.e. Bad Girls Club and Top Model

The four people I tag are:
1. Bridget at Our Lost Stork
2. Bobbi at The Johnson's Journey
3. Kelly at Candid Confessions of a Southern Princess
4. Jen at Come on Baby

Tax Time

Whoever said having a kid was the only way for a tax deduction? We get to count our IVF!!!

I went to have our taxes done today. I asked our accountant if fertility treatments could be counted for deductions. He consulted two books and his co-worker and said YES!!! WOOHOO!!! Anything that wasn't covered by insurance and all of our medical miles.

So out of pocket, we paid $12,263.53 out of the grand total of $12,988.77. As for our medical miles, well, I thought we lived pretty close to our clinic but when I actually added it all up, DH and I drove 868 miles roundtrip!!! That's bananas!

Now we can use our tax return for our FET!!!

It's About Time!!!

Happy Valentine's Day!!! After a month of all BFNs, we're finally getting some positives around here!!! A big shout out to the new prego mommas: Bridget, Christa, Erin, Michelle, and Kelly!!!

I feel like I missed the boat, maybe we should have gone ahead and done our FET. I asked DH what he thought and he said we should do what we planned and wait until the fall. I told him we had our tax refund coming so we could do it now if we wanted, he said wait. I did not like that answer but at the same time, once we do the FET, it's over, we're either pregnant or we're not. I'm really excited for you ladies, it gives me hope that it CAN work but it also scares me that it won't for us. Sigh...

Anyways, happy Valentine's Day!!! Snuggle up to the one you love! I'm working tonight so DH will be snuggling up to our pups!

Let Me Explain

In another post, I wrote that is adoption is not something we want to do. I want to clarify that we are NOT against adoption, it is simply not something that is for us. Our minds may change, as they always do with IF, but at this point, adoption is not something we're considering.

For me, I guess it's mainly out of fear. We've already been told that we can't have a child naturally. If we adopt then we've been "told" we can't have a child through IVF/FET. I know with adoption there are lots of home studies, interviews, physicals, etc...My fear, and reason for holding back on adoption, is that I'm afraid we're going to get rejected again and I don't know that I would be able to handle that. I fear that our house wouldn't be good enough, our health wouldn't be good enough, our relationship not good enough. Sigh, I just wouldn't be able to handle that...

So I just wanted to clarify that in NO way are we against adoption, it's just not part of our game plan...for now. You all know IF is a daily game and who knows, our minds might change but that's my thoughts at the current time. When we come to that point in our TTC journey, we'll pray about it, discuss it and then DH & I will make the best decision...for us.

Really Mom!?!

Remember I told you last weekend I had to work a dance for dads to take their daughters for a Valentine's date? Well, my mom had asked if she could stay the night with us, she was passing through town. I told her sure, if she helped with the dance. Of course, she said yes and she had a great time. It really was entertaining to watch all the dads singing along to Justin Beiber.

Anyways, on Sunday, DH and I met up with her and my stepsis for lunch. We walked in and my mom was telling my stepsis about the dance. As we sat down, she looked at DH and said, "Oh DH, I hope you all have a little girl so you can take her!" In mid-sitting, I looked at her and said, "Really mom? Why in the WORLD would you say that?" The three of them went silent and she bite her lip knowing she'd said something wrong.

UGH! It's moments like these that make me hate IF even more, as if that's possible!

Just When I Think I've Accepted It

So I've been focusing on trying to lose weight and being positive for the FET this fall. But the truth is I'm also trying to make our game plan if it doesn't work. I know it's still a long time away and I can change my mind (and I probably will) but I've decided that if FET fails then I'm just done. DH says he wants to try another fresh cycle of IVF when we can afford it but I know a couple years down the road, he won't want to spend the money on that.

I told him that I don't want to be that couple that spends years TTC and end up with nothing. Adoption is not something we want to do so if IVF/FET doesn't work for us, then that's it. I don't want to spend the next 5 years getting my hopes up, having them crushed, watching every little cent, planning life around "well we might have a kid then", etc...etc...

So while I'm trying to be positive, I'm also trying to accept life without children. It's really weird things that I picture like us at church on Christmas Eve 10 years from now without kids, us attending friend's birthday parties without kids, going to baby showers knowing I won't have ever kids, knowing we won't ever have a first day of school to be nervous over or a birthday party to plan, merging our emergency savings account with our future kids savings account-see, just really random things.

And then it's just when I think I'm okay and have accepted the fact that we may not have kids, I hear another pregnancy announcement or see a pregnant woman and the pain starts all over again. I've become...not sure what the word is, either selfish or insensitive, to people who talk about their kids, I try to politely excuse myself from the convo and move on. I mean I don't have anything to add-no advice, no we went through that.

So now I'm off to get ready for work. Tonight I'll be hosting a dance. A dance for dads to bring their daughters and have a "date" together. Just one more of those things that we won't ever be doing...