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Monday, October 25, 2010

Word Vomit

When we first started this struggle, we only told our close friends then our family then we took a nice long break because we weren't really doing anything and it wasn't forefront on our mind. Then we got serious in August, dropped caffeine, alcohol, etc...and DH started telling his friends. Rather than simply saying, "Nah, I'm not drinking tonight," he felt compelled to them our whole TTC history (which I'm sure the guys at the bachelor party really cared about!). Once he started telling them and making it public, I did as well. He was really the one originally not okay with telling everyone and I didn't want to tell EVERYONE because I wanted some element of surprise!

Now I have word vomit and I can't stop telling people whether they ask, care or even want to know. It's awful, I feel awful, and I feel like it's pending me for doom. I don't know why I keep telling everyone, maybe because it's all that's on my mind right now and I'm having to plan around it? Maybe because I know my hormones are going to be jacked up and I'm apologizing to the co-workers I'm telling in advance? Maybe because this is the closest news I'll ever have to announcing a pregnancy? Now that I've word vomited, I'm going to have to deal with telling everyone whether it worked or not and putting up with their...did it happen and other crazy questions. I had one person ask me the other day if I was inseminated yet...weird...

Okay, I've tried to start this paragraph like three times because I know what I want to say but I don't know how to make it not come across wrong so bear with me, ok? I am trying really hard to be a "good person" especially right now. I mean I always try to be but lately I feel like I've been put in situations where I feel like I haven't...does that make sense at all? Plus DH is driving me bananas! I don't know if I'm just more on edge, starting to get scared or what but I am constantly reminding him that come 11/7, he can NOT push my buttons like he's been doing lately (our latest and greatest argument was over who dropped the ice cream in the freezer and why it hadn't been cleaned yet). I stress myself enough, work stresses me, the holidays stress me, our families FOR sure stress me, IVF stresses me so I can't handle him stressing me too. I told him that he needs to just smile and get through it and then in January he can take it all out.

So the point of this post, I really tend to get off track a lot, don't I?...the point, right, is that I can't keep my mouth shut about it and I hate it...so I'm zipping my lips and throwing away the key. Mmkakdjfo, k? (<---that was me talking with my lips zipped!)

4 comments:

JC said...

Lol!!! It sounds like you are excited and a little nervous/anxious too (which is totally normal). =)

Lindsay said...

I totally understand where you are coming from on "trying to be a better person" lately. I have been doing the exact same thing and I don't think that I consciously realized it until I read your post just now. Maybe it's that I want to 'deserve' a baby (which is ridiculous because we all 'deserve' babies). I think maybe it's all the negativity and jealousy that I've been feeling as it seems that everyone I know, married or not, is pregnant. I'm not sure, but I don't think you're weird and I totally get where you're coming from.

COME ON BABY said...

Oh dear I am the same way. I tell everyone about infertility and IVF. They look at me with wide eyes and ask the weirdest questions :) I hope your honey behaves for the next couple months!!!

Josey said...

Interesting - I agree with Lindsay - I don't think I had realized that I've been trying to "be a better person" lately as well... and yeah, that's the shitter about IF - we sometimes start feeling that we're not KU b/c we don't "deserve" the baby. Ugh. Thanks for the email this morning - I'm excited to start following your journey!