Please EVERYONE stop telling me who you think I should tell!!! It's my story, it's my journey and I'll tell who I want to tell when I want to tell it. The more you tell me who YOU think I should tell, the more I regret telling you so just STOP!
Okay, thanks for letting me get that out...I feel much better!
Remember my my post about being overwhelmed? Well, Kayee (a fellow blogger whose story I love following) left me a comment saying that the time would go really fast. I'm torn...I want it to go by fast because it's exciting and I really want it to work and to know the end result but honestly...I hope it goes by slow. As I've stated multiple times, if this doesn't work and we decide to try again, it won't be for a LONG time when we can raise the funds again. If it doesn't work, my heart will be crushed. If it doesn't work, I really worry about how my marriage will handle it (financially, emotionally, physically). If it doesn't work, we can't do anything to move forward in the baby making business except raising funds...no more treatments, no more doctor's visits until we have another $15,000 in the bank. If it doesn't work, I think time will stand still, I think I'll be totally lost.
So yes, I want it to by fast but at the same time, I want to enjoy the time, the shots, the doctor's visit, the ultrasounds of my ovaries, my short little journey to potential motherhood because it may be all that I have.
When we first started this struggle, we only told our close friends then our family then we took a nice long break because we weren't really doing anything and it wasn't forefront on our mind. Then we got serious in August, dropped caffeine, alcohol, etc...and DH started telling his friends. Rather than simply saying, "Nah, I'm not drinking tonight," he felt compelled to them our whole TTC history (which I'm sure the guys at the bachelor party really cared about!). Once he started telling them and making it public, I did as well. He was really the one originally not okay with telling everyone and I didn't want to tell EVERYONE because I wanted some element of surprise!
Now I have word vomit and I can't stop telling people whether they ask, care or even want to know. It's awful, I feel awful, and I feel like it's pending me for doom. I don't know why I keep telling everyone, maybe because it's all that's on my mind right now and I'm having to plan around it? Maybe because I know my hormones are going to be jacked up and I'm apologizing to the co-workers I'm telling in advance? Maybe because this is the closest news I'll ever have to announcing a pregnancy? Now that I've word vomited, I'm going to have to deal with telling everyone whether it worked or not and putting up with their...did it happen and other crazy questions. I had one person ask me the other day if I was inseminated yet...weird...
Okay, I've tried to start this paragraph like three times because I know what I want to say but I don't know how to make it not come across wrong so bear with me, ok? I am trying really hard to be a "good person" especially right now. I mean I always try to be but lately I feel like I've been put in situations where I feel like I haven't...does that make sense at all? Plus DH is driving me bananas! I don't know if I'm just more on edge, starting to get scared or what but I am constantly reminding him that come 11/7, he can NOT push my buttons like he's been doing lately (our latest and greatest argument was over who dropped the ice cream in the freezer and why it hadn't been cleaned yet). I stress myself enough, work stresses me, the holidays stress me, our families FOR sure stress me, IVF stresses me so I can't handle him stressing me too. I told him that he needs to just smile and get through it and then in January he can take it all out.
So the point of this post, I really tend to get off track a lot, don't I?...the point, right, is that I can't keep my mouth shut about it and I hate it...so I'm zipping my lips and throwing away the key. Mmkakdjfo, k? (<---that was me talking with my lips zipped!)
My dear college roommate just gave birth to three beautiful baby boys on October 19! We only lived together for a year and were never super close but we've always seemed to stay in touch with an email here or an email there. Last spring, I got an email from her saying after many years of trying they were pregnant with TRIPLETS!!! We began emailing back and forth and she's been an excellent source of encouragement and advice.
She just now got around to posting pictures of her sons, which I absolutely love all the names she picked out...Elias, Gabriel and Jacob. The boys are all in NICU but doing well. There's one picture of her looking at Elias and even though you can't see her entire face, you can see the emotions...love, pride, amazement. It's a really awesome picture and gets me even more excited about our IVF that maybe one day there will be a picture like that of me and my child.
I look forward to watching her boys grow and seeing her be the great mother that I know she is! Congrats J and family!
So remember my post yesterday that I was relieved? Well that only lasted until my meds were delivered today (and yes! They arrived before noon-woohoo!!!). It was this ginormous box and here are most of the contents. I had already taken out the prescription prenatals (which looked exactly like the Walgreens ones I was taking) and the gonal stuff because it needed to be refridgerated.
We laid it all out on the bed and checked everything off the list. I kept telling DH, I see all these needles but hardly ANY medicine. I had a slight panic attack in which I told DH, I don't think I can do this! So many meds, things to mix, times to inject...it seriously makes me loose my breathe when I think about it. THEN to top it all off, all I really need until my visit 11/17 is the lupron and I could not find it anywhere!?! I calmly called the pharmacy in which I asked if the big white box in the upper left corner was the lupron. She said yes and I felt a huge wave of anxiety leave me...whew! I opened the box and it had the meds, the needles and even the alcohol pads! So all I have to do is pull that box out on 11/7 and I should be good to go. I can't believe this is really real...I can't believe I have all the meds here, I can't believe in just 2 months we'll know! It's flippin' bananas!
I called this past Monday to report the start of my period. My favorite person in the office, Mary, was out sick. I finally got to talk to her today and I'm like whew-super relieved! As stated before I'll take the BCP until November 10. On November 7, I start the Lupron shots and I go to visit Dr. Val on November 17. I'm relieved because I only have to take the Lupron shots and no other shots before I go to visit Dr. Val which means I can be a total freak at my doctor's visits and ask 5 million questions about the other shots and mixing and storing and injecting...that's such a load off my shoulders because I was really freaking out about that! I'm pretty sure I can handle one injection a day at 20 units...seems easy enough.
Now on to those injections, I've been on the fence about whether DH or I would give the shots. After all the poking and prodding I've had done the past few months, I'm not scared about the needle, my biggest fear with the self injections has always been the dosage...am I giving too much, not enough or just right. In my mind I think I can give myself the shots on my own but I don't know, and won't know, until the syringe is in hand and I have to stick it in my belly. Okay so DH can do it but I'm not 100% sure with myself doing it as a non-medical professional so I'm definitely not 100% okay with him.
Guess what? The decision was made for me...I'll be giving myself the shots. Why? I switched a bunch of shifts at work so that I wouldn't have to take a half day to go to the doctor's all the time, this way I could go in at 2 and no worries. My Lupron shot has to be done between 6-7pm. Day 2 on the shots, I have to work that evening. I'm a little worried about being interrupted and rushed but I'll deal with that when it comes. The good news is that the first shot is on a Sunday which means I'll have plenty of time to read, reread, watch the video, rewatch the video, measure, measure again, clean, clean again a million times until I'm ready to give myself the shot.
The jist of this post is that I'm relieved that its only one shot before I see Dr. Val again, I'm relieved that I know whose giving the shots now I just hope the meds get delivered in a timely fashion tomorrow!
Today I start my BCP. To me this is the official start of our IVF. I'd be lying if I didn't say I was really scared. I know I said I was trying to take it a month at a time but really I'm just trying to survive a day at a time. I know the first couple weeks will be easy since it's just BCP but I'm already nervous about the shots as in I can't stop thinking about it! Oh well, I'm going to try to "relax" (all of our favorite words of wisdom, right?) and go to my happy place (I took this picture from our trip last week, I didn't just find it online somewhere):
Yep, Aunt Flo made her debut while on vacay late on Saturday night which would technically be a start date of Sunday. I called Dr. Val's office to inform them. I start my BCP on Thursday, meds are getting delivered on Saturday, and I start my lupron shots on 11/7. Holy cow!?! Can you believe this?! It's really time to start!!! It's exciting, overwhelming and really freakin' scary all at the same time! I just hope I don't screw anything up. I am hoping that the 3 weeks I'll be on BCP that I'll have a clearer complexion but I guess we'll just have to wait and see.
Now for a couple side stories...
*On the last leg home from our road trip last night, I called my SIL. Our meds are to be delivered on Saturday. I have to be at work no later than 2:30, DH has to be at work no later than 3:30. I called to ask her if she was available Saturday and the meds weren't there by 3 if she could come hang out at our house and sign for them (she lives literally 30 seconds away from us). Her response, "Um...okay..." Okay, granted I'd been in the car for 10+ hours already but really? Just say yes or no. You offered if there was anything that you could do to help, let her know...well, I'm asking for help. I mean you're signing for a package, not selling drugs or injecting drugs or anything like that. Grrr...cross your fingers that they get here before 3.
*I went to my MIL's house today to print off a coupon (I'm a total nerd, I know!). I was talking to her about my trip and then my FIL said, "Okay get to the important stuff, how's the grandbaby making going?" Umm...AWKWARD!!! How do you respond to that? Um...we're trying every other day...I just started my period. Seriously, more people know about my period now than I care to count!
Anyways, that just leads into this two hour convo with my MIL (FIL left when I said nothing to report and I never made it to the store with my coupon!). In which she asks if we'd just wait another year and keep trying naturally it might work, give DH more time to clear out his system from his "party days." She also tells me all these things I need to tell my doctor (like that I was in the car for 10 hours because that could mess up your cycle), vitamins to take, and that she doesn't like my doctor. All things that I do NOT NEED TO HEAR RIGHT NOW! Sometimes I think she thinks that we just decided to have IVF for the fun of it and didn't do any research. I don't think she believes the things we tell her. I don't think she realizes that DH's sperm count ain't getting any better and the sooner we try, if it doesn't work then the sooner we can save up the money again (if we choose to do it again) and still be somewhat young.
THEN she asks whose going to watch the baby next year when we have it. WHAT?! Insert my head spinning in circles! I was like that's too far off to think about in which she tells me, "No, it's not." Um, yes it is...my new mantra is focus on a month at a time and try not to get your hopes up. Right now I'm focused on shots, next month will be ER then the next month will be ET. I told her that DH and I already played this game when we first started trying. We can't do that because I'll be pregnant...we'll have a baby at that time...researching childcare prices and providers...etc...I'm NOT doing that again. It's like a MAJOR disappointment and letdown. Seriously, all I wanted was to print my coupon and instead I just got bombarded with STRESS!!! And this my friends is exactly why I didn't want to tell his family because guess how many questions they've asked him...ZERO! Me? A MILLION!
Yesterday marked our second wedding anniversary and our first anniversary of TTC. Year #2 was quite the roller coaster for us and I definitely think it should have counted for a couple years instead of just one. We had a great evening at home, relaxing and me trying to finalize everything for our IVF since I'll be gone later this week and my period is supposed to start next week. I can't believe it's really here...it's almost IVF time! Crazy!!! I hope year #3 and #2 is a good one for us.
A friend of mine had told me about a spiritual center here in town that has a statue of St. Therese who performs miracles. I'm not Catholic so I'm not sure how saints and such work but I read up about her on their website and thought I'd go visit Therese. I mean, what have I got to lose, right?
We got there and the man in charge, Jack, greeted us. He was meeting with another couple and their friend so we joined them and he was telling us about the local miracles she performed. He looked right at DH and I and said, "I was just telling them how 11 couples had gotten pregnant after visiting Therese." We hadn't mentioned a WORD about us other than our names but he felt the need to tell us that. I hope we're couple #12! We listened to the rest of the stories and then he took the other people on a tour of the rest of the place.
I handed DH the handout on her so he could read. Jack had told us to be sure to look Therese in her eyes because they were so lifelike. While DH read, I sat on the floor and looked Therese in the eyes. In my mind, I spoke to her and told her all about our journey and what we were headed into. Jack had told us that other people had seen her move and I really wanted to see her move but I didn't but that's okay. I asked DH if he wanted to pray to Therese and his response was, "I pray to Jesus." I knew at that point that he was just there for me, letting me try what I thought I needed to try and I appreciated that.
I wrote down my prayer on a piece of paper and added it to the basket. They had rose petals there that Therese had blessed and I took a couple home then I lit a candle for us. I touched Therese and looked her in the eyes again, asking her for help and guidance. Then I snapped a picture which I'm not sure is allowed. He didn't say you couldn't take a picture, there was no sign stating that and someone else had but just to be on the safe side, I haven't posted it.
I thanked Jack for letting us visit and told him I'd be back. Therese is about two exits from Dr. Val's office so I'm going to make it a point to try to stop by and visit with her either before or after my visits to Dr. Val.
Since we were in a different part of town, we decided to grab dinner in that area. Here was our convo at dinner:
Me: Know what I prayed for?
DH: I hope a baby!
Me: No, well yes...I actually prayed for patience and understanding and to bless us with a child. Don't you think that was good to pray for because we all know I don't have patience?
DH: Yeah, you're right about that but you can't tell me what you pray for.
Me: (confused) What? Yes I can, it's not like a birthday wish! If I tell you, it's not like it won't come true!
DH: Oh....
He's so goofy sometimes! Oh, at the spiritual center, you have to take your shoes off. Well, today was a hot, fall day and I was wearing sandals. Know what good 'ole OCD me did? I took a pair of socks to change into!
It was a very interesting day and it gave me hope. I'm feeling good going into the start of our IVF and I'm actually looking forward to more visits with Therese.
I was on my Itouch the other night sending a message to someone about our IVF. Know what it automatically corrected IVF to? OCD.
I ran a marathon yesterday. 26.2 miles. I did it for me and for our "baby." Someone I know that struggled with IF told me that they'd told themselves that they were either going to run a marathon or get pregnant one year...she didn't do either. I knew I had to do this and I did. It was a long, emotional day full of pain and tears but my running partner was great. She asked me about the IVF and how it worked and what room would be the baby's room and she kept reminding me, "Once we get through today's challenge, then you have your baby to focus on." It really felt great to hear that encouragement.
Amazingly, even though my body is in major achiness and soreness mode, I feel tons better about IVF. I mean my thought process was if I can do this, I can do anything. So now I'm going to close the chapter of my life on running and focus on the next chapter which is IVF and having a healthy baby. It feels great!
Or at least I hope I did! This is a crazy weekend for DH and I. We just got home from a friend's bonfire, a celebration/hangout before his wedding tomorrow. We met one of his friends that we've NEVER met before. He asked how long we were married and if we had any kids. We said no but that we had two furbabies that were our family so it would be awhile before we had kids. That's how I answer that question because then usually the convo turns to dogs and away from kids. I missed what DH said but he kept saying, oh she's ready, she's definitely ready for kids. Then this guy that we just met who knows absolutely NOTHING about us says, "Oh it'll be soon...it'll happen by the end of this year...you'll know by Christmas." I shot DH a look like WTH!?! Have you told him anything? Because that's all true!!! We will know by the end of the year and we'll be finding out right around Christmas time. He said it would happen so I'm really hoping this man is a prophet and that he's telling the truth!!!
