Please EVERYONE stop telling me who you think I should tell!!! It's my story, it's my journey and I'll tell who I want to tell when I want to tell it. The more you tell me who YOU think I should tell, the more I regret telling you so just STOP!
Okay, thanks for letting me get that out...I feel much better!
Remember my my post about being overwhelmed? Well, Kayee (a fellow blogger whose story I love following) left me a comment saying that the time would go really fast. I'm torn...I want it to go by fast because it's exciting and I really want it to work and to know the end result but honestly...I hope it goes by slow. As I've stated multiple times, if this doesn't work and we decide to try again, it won't be for a LONG time when we can raise the funds again. If it doesn't work, my heart will be crushed. If it doesn't work, I really worry about how my marriage will handle it (financially, emotionally, physically). If it doesn't work, we can't do anything to move forward in the baby making business except raising funds...no more treatments, no more doctor's visits until we have another $15,000 in the bank. If it doesn't work, I think time will stand still, I think I'll be totally lost.
So yes, I want it to by fast but at the same time, I want to enjoy the time, the shots, the doctor's visit, the ultrasounds of my ovaries, my short little journey to potential motherhood because it may be all that I have.
When we first started this struggle, we only told our close friends then our family then we took a nice long break because we weren't really doing anything and it wasn't forefront on our mind. Then we got serious in August, dropped caffeine, alcohol, etc...and DH started telling his friends. Rather than simply saying, "Nah, I'm not drinking tonight," he felt compelled to them our whole TTC history (which I'm sure the guys at the bachelor party really cared about!). Once he started telling them and making it public, I did as well. He was really the one originally not okay with telling everyone and I didn't want to tell EVERYONE because I wanted some element of surprise!
Now I have word vomit and I can't stop telling people whether they ask, care or even want to know. It's awful, I feel awful, and I feel like it's pending me for doom. I don't know why I keep telling everyone, maybe because it's all that's on my mind right now and I'm having to plan around it? Maybe because I know my hormones are going to be jacked up and I'm apologizing to the co-workers I'm telling in advance? Maybe because this is the closest news I'll ever have to announcing a pregnancy? Now that I've word vomited, I'm going to have to deal with telling everyone whether it worked or not and putting up with their...did it happen and other crazy questions. I had one person ask me the other day if I was inseminated yet...weird...
Okay, I've tried to start this paragraph like three times because I know what I want to say but I don't know how to make it not come across wrong so bear with me, ok? I am trying really hard to be a "good person" especially right now. I mean I always try to be but lately I feel like I've been put in situations where I feel like I haven't...does that make sense at all? Plus DH is driving me bananas! I don't know if I'm just more on edge, starting to get scared or what but I am constantly reminding him that come 11/7, he can NOT push my buttons like he's been doing lately (our latest and greatest argument was over who dropped the ice cream in the freezer and why it hadn't been cleaned yet). I stress myself enough, work stresses me, the holidays stress me, our families FOR sure stress me, IVF stresses me so I can't handle him stressing me too. I told him that he needs to just smile and get through it and then in January he can take it all out.
So the point of this post, I really tend to get off track a lot, don't I?...the point, right, is that I can't keep my mouth shut about it and I hate it...so I'm zipping my lips and throwing away the key. Mmkakdjfo, k? (<---that was me talking with my lips zipped!)
My dear college roommate just gave birth to three beautiful baby boys on October 19! We only lived together for a year and were never super close but we've always seemed to stay in touch with an email here or an email there. Last spring, I got an email from her saying after many years of trying they were pregnant with TRIPLETS!!! We began emailing back and forth and she's been an excellent source of encouragement and advice.
She just now got around to posting pictures of her sons, which I absolutely love all the names she picked out...Elias, Gabriel and Jacob. The boys are all in NICU but doing well. There's one picture of her looking at Elias and even though you can't see her entire face, you can see the emotions...love, pride, amazement. It's a really awesome picture and gets me even more excited about our IVF that maybe one day there will be a picture like that of me and my child.
I look forward to watching her boys grow and seeing her be the great mother that I know she is! Congrats J and family!
So remember my post yesterday that I was relieved? Well that only lasted until my meds were delivered today (and yes! They arrived before noon-woohoo!!!). It was this ginormous box and here are most of the contents. I had already taken out the prescription prenatals (which looked exactly like the Walgreens ones I was taking) and the gonal stuff because it needed to be refridgerated.
We laid it all out on the bed and checked everything off the list. I kept telling DH, I see all these needles but hardly ANY medicine. I had a slight panic attack in which I told DH, I don't think I can do this! So many meds, things to mix, times to inject...it seriously makes me loose my breathe when I think about it. THEN to top it all off, all I really need until my visit 11/17 is the lupron and I could not find it anywhere!?! I calmly called the pharmacy in which I asked if the big white box in the upper left corner was the lupron. She said yes and I felt a huge wave of anxiety leave me...whew! I opened the box and it had the meds, the needles and even the alcohol pads! So all I have to do is pull that box out on 11/7 and I should be good to go. I can't believe this is really real...I can't believe I have all the meds here, I can't believe in just 2 months we'll know! It's flippin' bananas!
I called this past Monday to report the start of my period. My favorite person in the office, Mary, was out sick. I finally got to talk to her today and I'm like whew-super relieved! As stated before I'll take the BCP until November 10. On November 7, I start the Lupron shots and I go to visit Dr. Val on November 17. I'm relieved because I only have to take the Lupron shots and no other shots before I go to visit Dr. Val which means I can be a total freak at my doctor's visits and ask 5 million questions about the other shots and mixing and storing and injecting...that's such a load off my shoulders because I was really freaking out about that! I'm pretty sure I can handle one injection a day at 20 units...seems easy enough.
Now on to those injections, I've been on the fence about whether DH or I would give the shots. After all the poking and prodding I've had done the past few months, I'm not scared about the needle, my biggest fear with the self injections has always been the dosage...am I giving too much, not enough or just right. In my mind I think I can give myself the shots on my own but I don't know, and won't know, until the syringe is in hand and I have to stick it in my belly. Okay so DH can do it but I'm not 100% sure with myself doing it as a non-medical professional so I'm definitely not 100% okay with him.
Guess what? The decision was made for me...I'll be giving myself the shots. Why? I switched a bunch of shifts at work so that I wouldn't have to take a half day to go to the doctor's all the time, this way I could go in at 2 and no worries. My Lupron shot has to be done between 6-7pm. Day 2 on the shots, I have to work that evening. I'm a little worried about being interrupted and rushed but I'll deal with that when it comes. The good news is that the first shot is on a Sunday which means I'll have plenty of time to read, reread, watch the video, rewatch the video, measure, measure again, clean, clean again a million times until I'm ready to give myself the shot.
The jist of this post is that I'm relieved that its only one shot before I see Dr. Val again, I'm relieved that I know whose giving the shots now I just hope the meds get delivered in a timely fashion tomorrow!
Today I start my BCP. To me this is the official start of our IVF. I'd be lying if I didn't say I was really scared. I know I said I was trying to take it a month at a time but really I'm just trying to survive a day at a time. I know the first couple weeks will be easy since it's just BCP but I'm already nervous about the shots as in I can't stop thinking about it! Oh well, I'm going to try to "relax" (all of our favorite words of wisdom, right?) and go to my happy place (I took this picture from our trip last week, I didn't just find it online somewhere):
