Second Guessing and Freaking Out

UgH! I already typed up this whole post when stupid blogger effs up...Blogger I hate you sometimes. Let's see if I can word this just right and even remember what I typed...

First off, update on my last post. I called the second hospital and calmly and politely (both two very difficult things for me to do!) explained the situation about having to pay 2 ER co-pays when the doctor at the first hospital was the one who didn't know what to do and made us transfer. I then waited a week and finally got an email saying "as a one time courtesy" we won't charge you-WOOHOO!!! Moral of this story: 1. We will drive the 45 minutes to the main hospital downtown anytime we have an emergency and 2. It never hurts to ask.

Now to the meat and potatoes of this post...


Second Guessing
I'm getting ready to gear up for our FET this fall. When we did the fresh cycle back in December, I think I weighed around 215. I'm currently at 175-180 which has got to be a good thing, right? (Also, pretty sure another 10 lbs and I can qualify as an egg donor at my current clinic!!! This was a pretty big motivator for me so I can help pay it forward). During this weight loss journey, in an effort to not deprive myself and to stay on track, I "diet" for about 8-10 weeks then give myself a cheat week meaning no counting calories and no working out if I don't want to. I took FULL advantage of it this past week. Starting tomorrow, I plan on going into full FET mode so my body is in the best physical condition it can be in meaning no caffeine, no alcohol, prescription prenatals, etc...Now don't get me wrong, I take prenatals daily, just the cheap OTC kind (small effort to save up for the big bucks treatments). I can count on one hand the number of alcoholic drinks I've had in the last year and I really only drink soda when I'm totally over the taste of water. Well this past week, I've drank soda like it's going out of style knowing I won't be able to have it the next few (or longer!) months and I had two beers yesterday (whoa, I'm getting buck wild!) which is 2 more beers than I've had in the past 6 months. I've also eaten out 3-4 times this past week which is about the number of times I usually eat out a MONTH. So I know that's not too bad for just one week but why then am I freaking out??? Thinking I should have been gearing up longer, afraid all the work I did is ruined...ugh, I know it's ridiculous but I can't help second guessing...


Freaking Out

So this time around, I'm trying to do everything OPPOSITE than I did before...acupunture, losing weight and trying to be healthy, picturing my totsicles in my arms, not being afraid to dream of them. I picture telling people our exciting news, deciding how I'll deliver, what our house would look like with a baby (possibly and hopefully three!) and I picture getting the phone call about a BFP and then I stop. Because when I think of D-Day, finding out yes or no, I can't help but get that feeling of absolute, sheer panickness as I picture Mary calling about the fresh cycle, "Oh A, I'm so sorry..." My heart sinks to my stomach and beats really fast, I lose my breath and then I think about transfer day and how they may tell me we don't have any and that's when the tears come and I can't think any more because I don't know what we'll do then. Le sigh...


So there, that's what's going on inside my crazy, little mind of mine. Please leave me a comment and tell me to stop second guessing and freaking out...it'll make me feel a little bit better. :)