Believe!

Jen just bought a necklace off Etsy so I decided to go take a gander myself. OMG! So many options, I was totally overwhelmed. I know there are lots of signs of infertility/fertility but the main one I stick to is the pomegranate. I browsed all the options, found one store Bugaboo Jewelry that I absolutely loved. I emailed her the piece I liked, told her what I wanted and she designed it for me! I absolutely love it!!! Here's the final product (she sent me the pics):

I've said before but one of my main goals before our FET is to be more positive. Hopefully with this reminder around me neck to BELIEVE, it will help me keep a positive mindset.

Thanks for the idea Jen!

Awards All Around!

I got two awards! How exciting!!! Howver, if you know me IRL then you know that I'm ANYTHING but stylish. I'm more of the jeans, tshirt and hair in a pony kind of gal. But I've grateful for the award and want to send a big thank you to Christa over at I Can't Control Everything and Bridget at Our Lost Stork.

The rules for accepting this award are:

1. Thank and link back to the person who awarded you the award.

2. Share 7 things about yourself.

3. Award 15 other bloggers.

4. Contact these bloggers and tell them about the award.


7 Things About Myself

1. Despite having run a half and full marathon last year and having two half marathons this spring, I absolutely HATE running.
2. If you read my non-IF blog then you know this but I have an ABSOLUTE obsession with peanut butter-I heart it!
3. I went to Egypt in November 2007 and depending on how the FET goes this fall, I may be headed to Japan or China in spring 2012. My mom and I love to travel and our goal is to visit all 7 continents.
4. I never know what to with my hair...at any length.
5. I have one older sister and we're as opposite as night and day. Me-brunette, her-blonde. Me-loud, her-quiet. Me-infertile, her-prego first try. I love her so much and she takes good care of me!
6. My sister is 8 years older than me, my stepsister is 8 years younger than me so my poor dad gets done with one of us then he has to start over again!
7. I heart blog friends-they're the best!

15 of my favorite blogs!
(In no particular order and I'm going to try not to repeat but I'm sorry if I do!).
1. Shawna-heart this girl and love that aside from IVF that we have in common, we also have the same clinic!
2. Bobbi-I just found her blog but feel we have similiar journeys.
3. Bridget-love her banner! Tagging you for the Stylish Award.
4. Kim-she always knows the right things to say.
5. Michelle-this lady tells it like it is and I love it!
6. SLESE-she's raw, she tells the truth and I share so many of the same feelings as her.
7. Jess-probably one of the first ladies to EVER comment on my blog and I heart her!
8. Jen-I smile and love all of her sweet, sweet comments.
9. Jill-oh the emails we've shared! I love that she doesn't mind dropping an F-bomb for me from time to time, heart her too!
10. Kimberly-she was such an inspiration to me during my IVF cycle-thank you!
11. Kelly-just started following her blog and she's in the middle of a cycle so fingers crossed!
12. Ashley-currently prego from FET, she's giving me hope.
13. Cece-whose followed my journey and encouraged me along the way.
14. Katie-such an amazing woman!
15. Mrs. D-Again, amazing and an inspiration!

Have fun blogging about your award ladies!

Finally, the B**** is here

I went to bed last night, no Flo. Woke up at midnight went potty and she was there. DH came to bed about an hour later and I vaguely remember mumbling to him that she'd arrived. Just to show you why I'm so upset about her being late, here's my list of cycle lengthss since we started trying.

10/4/2009 29
11/1/2009 28
11/29/2009 28
12/25/2009 26 (Christmas!)
1/20/2010 26
2/16/2010 27
3/13/2010 25 (My birthday!)
4/11/2010 29
5/8/2010 27
6/5/2010 28 (My half marathon!)
7/3/2010 28
7/29/2010 26
8/27/2010 29
9/22/2010 26
10/17/2010 25 (Florida!)
11/22/2010 36-first part of IVF, was on lupron
12/25/2010 33-after ET, on PIO
1/25/2011 31-first period after IVF, no drugs in body other than prenats

I'm going to chalk this period up to a "recovery" cycle but Flo, you'd better show up on time for the next 6 months or we're going to rumble. Funny, when you're TTC you usually hope that AF DOESN'T come. For me though? I hope she shows on time, every month because I know it's not going to happen naturally so for me, Flo showing up on time let's me know that my body is "okay" and "on track" for when we do the FET. Thanks for the encouragement for Flo to get here.

FYI-I've been a mess of emotions lately over FET and what happens after that.

Post IVF Period

What was everyone else's like? Was it longer than normal? Pre-IVF, my period was always 26-29 days long. If my period had started yesterday, it would have been 28 days. Today is CD 29 and nothing. I'm going to be really pissed if all those drugs and stuff messed me up because my periods were ALWAYS normal. GRR!!! Dr. Val said not to freak out unless they ar 35+ days long. If my period's still not here by noon tomorrow (day 30), I'm going to call Mary and ask her if this is normal or happens to other people.

Please if you've had a failed IVF cycle, let me know how long your cycle was after the BFN. Thanks ladies!

I Heart Blogging!!!

Today I got to meet Shawna for lunch at one of my favorite restaurants-double score!!! We're actually both going through the same clinic and her doc, Dr. K, is the one that did my ER. It was great to talk to someone who knows EXACTLY what's going on. I heart all my friends who ask me lots of questions and I don't mind answering but to chat with someone whose going through the exact same thing, with the exact same people-it was pretty cool.

I hope I helped her out by answering some of her questions and I hope I didn't talk too much! LOL On thing that she asked me was how did I find my way to move on after my BFN? I know I've talked about all the crazy emotions I went through but here's what I told her, or at least what I hope she heard! That Wednesday of the BFN, I went through every emotion in the book. And me and God? We were NOT on good terms that evening. I knew at that point after I was feeling hopeless, angry, letdown that I did NOT want to feel that way. I needed to talk to someone because I knew that it was NOT healthy. Even after talking to our pastor friend, I still upset and depressed so I took my time to grieve and I think part of what pulled me out of my funk was NYE and a night out with my friends.

I have made my mind up that I really need to work on being more positive before the FET. I'm feeling really good about Shawna's cycle so I'm crossing my fingers, legs, hair, eyes for her. It was great to meet her and I hope we have many more lunches together!

I Know I'm Not & Maybe Won't

All you IF ladies out there, I'm sure you've said, "I know I'm not a parent..." Well, I always follow up with, "I know I'm not a parent, and maybe won't be..." Part of this is to let the person I'm talking to know that I'm in touch with reality and understand I have a, wait for it..."50-50" chance of being a mother. Another part is for me to be honest with myself and understand, I may NOT ever be a parent. Before our IVF cycle, I felt like I had to throw that in there, just to clarify I understood that but I didn't really believe it. I felt like the IVF would work and I would be a parent and I was just being over-dramatic.

Since the BFN, I've heard myself say it again, "I know I'm not a parent and maybe won't be..." but this time I feel different when I say it. I feel like there's truth behind that second part. Our IVF cycle failed, we've got three totsicles and then our chances of having a child are a few years away IF we decide to go through all this again. When I was talking to DH about something last week and made this comment, that's when I recognized this feeling and for the first time, DH didn't get upset or exasperated with me when I said so maybe he's accepting it too. Weird how in just a month's time, your entire mind set can change.

Trying to Stay Postive

Trying to keep my thoughts positive...

*Picked the lower insurance which will save about $1,000 in 2011.
*Mountain Dew & Excedrin! This was really only the week after the BFN, now I'm on my diet and trying to stay away from sodas.
*My mom had me when she was 29, my sister had my neice when she was 29...if we do the FET in 6-10 months and I get a BFP then I'll be 29 when I'm due so that's gotta be something, right?
*Now I can get in shape, lose weight and be healthier before we try this again. I've got a 42 flight stairclimb in March and a half marathon in May and April so now hopefully I can focus and train well for these.
*I added up all the money spent and the grand total was just shy of $13,000 so I guess stimming faster saved us some money and we have $2,000 more for the next cycle than we expected.

While all these things are great and grand, I'd still rather have my two babies in my belly growing along (I'd be about 7 weeks right now). Trying to stay positive but I really miss them. :(