Who to Tell?

DH and I are totally opposite personalities. Opposites attract, right? I am loud and I'm a talker, I wear my emotions of my sleeve...DH is quieter, a thinker and his face for happy, sad, mad all look the same. When we first started TTC, I didn't tell anyone because I wanted it to be a huge surprise when it happened, well, after January and I knew something was up, I had to talk about it but talking to DH was not helping. His emotionless expression while I cried and repeated, Why? Why? Why? did not help the situation any.

So I branched out to a couple friends. Then a few more then a few more...I wasn't throwing it out there as public information but my friends know me and they could tell something was up. I wasn't going to lie to them or let them watch DH and I fight over who forgot to bring the spoon for the dip at trivia night because Flo arrived and I was a crying hysterical mess as we walked out the door. As I told all of them, I don't mind talking about it but I would appreciate you not talking or discussing it with anyone else or on any social media.

Let me just pause right here and say how awesome and receptive my friends have been. I love you all and each and every one of you have helped me in a different way...some with laughs, some admitting your own struggles and some just nodding and listening. THANK YOU doesn't say enough but it's all I can say.

DH and I were also raised VERY differently. I was raised in a family where we talked to each other about struggles or issues and supported each other no matter what. DH was raised in a family where tears or fears were seen as a sign of weakness. You only went to your parents if you were in MAJOR trouble. So as we entered into the infertility journey, the question came up as to WHEN to tell our parents.

We went back and forth and back and forth...finally, I made the decision to tell my family because I needed some info on my medical history and let me tell you, it was like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. They were all receptive and also, very much guilty of saying, "You just need to relax!"I did tell my sister a few times, "Oh whatever...you wouldn't know, you got pregnant the first month you tried!" She understood where I was coming from and, as it runs in our family, she too began to research and seek out advice from others in similar situations to help me out. All I can say is my family is awesome.

We haven't told DH's family and I don't know if or when we will, its his decision and his information to tell. We've discussed it a little more and if we try IVF, we might tell them AFTER we try, successful or not, then that way they know the truth if it happens and if it doesn't, it will be a long time before we try again because of finances so the case will be open and shut.

False Hope

About 2 weeks before our first appointment with Dr. Val, it was day 29 of my normal 25-28 day cycle, I tried not to get my hopes and think about it too much but some random thoughts couldn't help but cross my mind. I told myself I'd wait until later this week to go get a test, sure enough 8pm Sunday night here comes Flo. This is the closest we've ever been to being pregnant and we weren't even close at all. Cried, usually I don't cry each month when Flo comes, I'm kind of used to it, but with the faint hope of a late period this month, I cried, I cried hard. DH was actually very supportive, holding me as I cried and told him everything that had been in my mind this weekend. Then we watched tv and something was on about kids and moms and I said, "I think I'd be a good mom...pause...but I won't ever get the chance." More tears, DH looks at me and says, "I know you'll be a good mom." We've never talked about being "mom" or being "dad" because we don't want to get our hopes up, I mean we did in the beginning when we were trying but not since like December have we discussed it that way. Wow-another punch in the stomach.

The next day, it was like for a small two day period, I thought to myself maybe I just overreacted and had "slapped that label" on us too soon and we aren’t really going through this, I’m just being impatient. Then this morning it was like back to reality and that hopeless feeling.

Excited to See Flo

So back in March when I made the appointment to see the fertility doctor, I decided I was going to do something positive for me, something that I could succeed at, something to take my mind off this crazy IF world I was entering...I decided to run a half marathon. I am in no way, shape or form a runner nor do I pretend to be so this alone was going to be a task.

I can happily tell you that this past Saturday, I completed my first half marathon and under my goal of three hours with a time of 2 hours 46 minutes and 42 seconds. It was a pretty awesome day! Prior to the race, my ovulation calendar was telling me that I was supposed to start my period on race day-ugh...not what I wanted!!! Luckily, Friday night before I went to bed, Flo arrived and for the first time in 8 months, I was actually excited to see her. Funny how those things work out.

I must tell you that I've really enjoyed the training and running. It HAS given me something to focus on instead of not getting pregnant and hopefully it's making me a healthier person which has to be good, right? I plan on taking a rest week and then finding my next running goal which may take me up to the month where we decide to try IVF, weird to think about, hmm...

If you ARE pregnant

If you are pregnant, I'm happy for you-really! I am! But please, don't start off by announcing to me, "I didn't know how to tell you this. I know that you've been trying and having issues..." Yes, we have been trying and yes, we are having issues but we don't need to reiterate that. And when you say, "I didn't know how to tell you." Well, that right there gives it away.

You're pregnant-awesome, just because I can't have a baby doesn't mean that I'm not happy for you. Yes, I may be bitter for a day or two, I might randomly cry throughout the next few days, I may even throw out comments to DH about how unfair it is and WHY not us but I'm still really happy for you!

If fact, after I get over my 2-3 day "Why Not Me???" period, I'll probably be your biggest cheerleader. I'll be the annoying one saying, "OH I have this one pregnant friend that had this..." or "I heard that morning sickness means..."

But face the facts, I'm a baby deprived momma so when your little bundle of joy arrives, guess what? I won't mind babysitting for you from time to time and when I'm in the store and see an adorable outfit too cute to pass up, I'll think of you and being the coupon clipper that I am, I'll even save formula and diaper coupons for you.

So please, if you're pregnant don't be afraid to tell me.

My MRI

So this morning I went to get my MRI done to check out my prolactin gland. I'd had MRIs before when I tore my ACL back in high school so I was actually looking forward to it. I remember them being so relaxing and falling asleep so I figured I'd get a little break in my day with a nap, right?

I'd purposely worn a sports bra, tshirt and shorts and had left my wedding ring and other jewelry at home in hopes that they wouldn't make me wear a gown and I'd be all good to go. I get in the room, take out my last couple earrings as the tech asks me some questions and explains the procedure to me. Then he tells me to lay down and I didn't even have to take my shoes off, I was a little bummed about that.

Then as I'm laying down and he's rising the thing so I can slide into the big machine, he says, "We'll do about 10 minutes of testing then I'll pull you out, give you your IV and we'll do 10 more minutes." Wait a minute! Hold up! Since when do you get an IV for an MRI? Apparently when you're checking out your head and not your knee-sucky! As I'm about to go in, he also throws out, "Oh I'm going to put this thing on you like a football helmet."

Great! The whole time I was in there I get thinking I looked like an insane asylum patient and when he pulled me out to start the IV, I felt super fat like I had 14 chins since I was stuck in this helmet thing. Then the IV tech was there so I asked, "Would it be okay if I sat up to watch?" I've always been a watcher-I like to know what's going on and in my body especially when it inflicts pain. Know what she said, "No...I prefer if you just lay down."

Seriously? So here I am in insane asylum patient position, football helmet on and I can't even see my arm, only feel the blood draining to my hand. I closed my eyes and told myself, "This is what you have to do to have a baby" and then I rationalized that if I were to ever get pregnant I won't be able to see everything going on...down there, so this is good preparation. I started asking them what the difference between a CT Scan and an MRI were and that quickly passed the time and then it was done.

So step one towards having a baby....MRI-check! Just have to wait to see what the doctor says and start some meds. At least I feel like we're doing something, right?

Planning-HA! What a Joke!

So when we started TTC, I had it all planned out in my head. We'd start in October and be pregnant by December. I hadn't quite figured out how we'd tell our immediate families but for our Christmas card list, I was going to put, Happy Holidays! P.S. We're pregnant! This is how we announced our engagement so I thought how fitting, super cute, I'm all about tradition-it was going to be great.

Did I mention that my best friend got pregnant in September as did another good friend? Awesome! I was super excited when I found out because I was going to be pregnant with them. I mean, how much fun would it be to be pregnant with your best friends. To sit around together or on the phone comparing stories, "No my stretch marks are bigger than your stretch marks...no really, I measure, 4 inches-top that!" I mean it would be amazing!

I'd be 27 when baby #1 came out, then we'd wait 4 years and start for #2 and I'd be 31-32ish, things were going to work out great. I'd even started thinking about who would watch the baby. I had this person in mind who would do a fantastic job, she actually started her own at home daycare in January.

See, I had it all planned out...HA! WHAT A JOKE!!!

Facts and Figures from Dr. Val

In case you were wondering, here are some facts and figures from Dr. Val's office that she gave us.

From 2002-2008

Clinical Pregnancies 664/1315 (50%)

Delivered Pregnancies 582/1315 (44%)

Multiple Delivered Pregnancies 193/582 (33%)

So basically, it's a 50/50 shot...encouraging, huh?

Dr. Val also gave us some information on ARC which is a program that hmm...how to explain, well basically, it's like taking a gamble on IVF. Basically, if we go through ARC, you can choose different plans (1 cycle, 2 cycles, 3 cycles, etc...) and you have to pay them all up front for your IVF. If it isn't successful, you get SOME money back. If say you do a 2 cycle plan and get pregnant on your first cycle, well then you just paid double. I'm not 100% sure how this works, I'll post more about it as I get details.