Wednesday, November 17, 2010

They Just Keep Coming

I've had tears pretty much off and on all week. Today though, they've been non-stop. My eyelashes are clumped together, my eyeballs bloodshot and my throat hurts from all the crying. Okay so where to start. Well, I posted last night about how I haven't had a "bleed." So this morning, my appt is at 9:10, I left the house at 8:15, realized I needed gas then was on the verge of tears the whole way down there knowing I wouldn't be getting any good news, or even news for that matter. I kept staring at the clock as we'd move quickly then be at a standstill, I had tears as I thought, "What if I'm late? Will they turn me away?" Sometimes the receptionist isn't very friendly.

I pulled into the parking lot at 9:10, almost running some woman over and I thought to myself, wow-I'm a really bad person. I waved and mouthed sorry then ran upstairs. I grabbed a tissue as I was told to head back and sit on the "ultrasound bench." Umm...okay, where's that? I had to ask three different people before I found it. I took a seat and luckily, Tracy came out, the same one who did my sonalhist and TET. I go in and start to change telling her I haven't had a bleed yet and telling her how I was confused and I knew I should of called and I messed up. She looks at me and says, "What do you mean you messed up? OH! Don't cry!" Yeah, the tears came...hard. I grabbed that tissue I'd picked up and apologized. She told me that they would probably just have come back when my period/bleed started and do all this again and they'd probably have me do medicine to start my period. Okay, this pisses me off (not the doctors, my body) because I have NEVER missed a period in my entire life (yep, that's right, no possible pregnancy scare...EVER, no possible BFP...EVER) and here when I need it to effing happen so that I can start my stim meds, it's not. As she did the ultrasound, tears just rolled down my cheeks and I realized about halfway through that I had every single muscle in my body tensed. After the ultrasound, I headed to have blood drawn and then left.

From the moment, I stepped out of the office and was waiting for the elevator, I was bawling hysterically. Luckily, it was a quiet cry so no one heard me but one look at me and "Woo! This lady is cuckoo!" I bawled until I got on the interstate and then I just stopped. I was blank, I was numb, I didn't think or feel anything the rest of the way home until I pulled off the interstate and then the tears came on hard again.

I'm stressed people...uber stressed and I know, I shouldn't be but I can't help it, I am. I don't feel good about this cycle, call it non-mother's intuition if you will and today's visit didn't help much. DH and I haven't been seeing eye to eye lately. He told me that he didn't think the shots were a big deal and I did. He said that the hormones WERE working because I'm super moody, I agree the past two days I have been but I don't think it has to do with the hormones.

So we're just in a holding pattern. We might possible be the 1-2 couples in our orientation class that has their cycle cancelled. Mary just called me and said she had to wait for my bloodwork but that we're just waiting for my period. I asked her about what Tracie said about giving me meds to start my period and she said she couldn't give me any right now because I just came off BC. And the meds would have me starting during the time they're shut down. SO now we just have to wait for my period and if it's not here by December 3, then we have to wait until January to do this. Freakin' awesome...

I wore the socks Shawna sent me today. I love them! So there, I'm ending on a happy note.


Jill said...

Our bodies suck and for whatever reason know what's going on... only to screw up everything. I know the thought of relaxing sounds great... but the thought of getting there is untouchable. I bet your body is a little wacky because you're doing new things and it doesn't totally understand.

I hope it works out! I'm sorry you're so upset! I've totally been there!

Kristina said...

It never fails that my body messes up the times that I need it to work the MOST! Seems so strange to pray FOR a cycle to start, right?