Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Who to Tell?

DH and I are totally opposite personalities. Opposites attract, right? I am loud and I'm a talker, I wear my emotions of my sleeve...DH is quieter, a thinker and his face for happy, sad, mad all look the same. When we first started TTC, I didn't tell anyone because I wanted it to be a huge surprise when it happened, well, after January and I knew something was up, I had to talk about it but talking to DH was not helping. His emotionless expression while I cried and repeated, Why? Why? Why? did not help the situation any.

So I branched out to a couple friends. Then a few more then a few more...I wasn't throwing it out there as public information but my friends know me and they could tell something was up. I wasn't going to lie to them or let them watch DH and I fight over who forgot to bring the spoon for the dip at trivia night because Flo arrived and I was a crying hysterical mess as we walked out the door. As I told all of them, I don't mind talking about it but I would appreciate you not talking or discussing it with anyone else or on any social media.

Let me just pause right here and say how awesome and receptive my friends have been. I love you all and each and every one of you have helped me in a different way...some with laughs, some admitting your own struggles and some just nodding and listening. THANK YOU doesn't say enough but it's all I can say.

DH and I were also raised VERY differently. I was raised in a family where we talked to each other about struggles or issues and supported each other no matter what. DH was raised in a family where tears or fears were seen as a sign of weakness. You only went to your parents if you were in MAJOR trouble. So as we entered into the infertility journey, the question came up as to WHEN to tell our parents.

We went back and forth and back and forth...finally, I made the decision to tell my family because I needed some info on my medical history and let me tell you, it was like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. They were all receptive and also, very much guilty of saying, "You just need to relax!"I did tell my sister a few times, "Oh wouldn't know, you got pregnant the first month you tried!" She understood where I was coming from and, as it runs in our family, she too began to research and seek out advice from others in similar situations to help me out. All I can say is my family is awesome.

We haven't told DH's family and I don't know if or when we will, its his decision and his information to tell. We've discussed it a little more and if we try IVF, we might tell them AFTER we try, successful or not, then that way they know the truth if it happens and if it doesn't, it will be a long time before we try again because of finances so the case will be open and shut.


Conceptionally Challenged said...

That's a tough one. Your description reminded me of when my mom was first diagnosed with cancer. I was a teenager, and after the first few weeks of fear and confusion I needed my friends to know what was going on, to have someone to lean on (other than my parents who were already worried enough).
Now that I live far from most of my friends and family, not telling is easier. If the topic comes up during visits I'll tell, but currently I'm not planning to bring it up except with a few close people. I agree with you that telling his family is his decision, and that it might be difficult if their culture isn't much in favor of talking about issues.
Hope that your family is supportive and drops the "relax" line soon!

Anonymous said...

I'm glad your friends are such a huge support system, and your family! That's great! My family is great, I told my Mom after TTC about 6 months and it not happeneing. I knew something wasn't right. I told F's Mom and that ended up being a huge mistake. We eventually told his Dad's side about a year into it. They've been alright. Nothing's like the support of your own family and close friends who get you. I did have some friends that it pushed them away but I guess you learn who your real friends are. I guess a lot of people don't know how to react or be supportive. I really don't know, it's mind boggling. I'd say trust your gut and only do it if/when you want to.